The Story...part 1

Suffice it to say that i had a very difficult past. i can understand most types of abuse people live through. I quickly learned that to get love i had to perform, and i learned that i could never perform enough to earn that love; the standard was always raised, and i failed repeatedly. i was a failure. My sense of worth was non-existent. i was convinced in my teen years that i was a mistake, and should not have been born. Lovely, i know.  i hated myself; hated life, and tried to end it. Went running to anyone who even showed an inkling of interest in me. I tried everything imaginable to deal with the pain...yep, all of it. Nothing worked, or lasted. In fact, it always just added to the pain, shame, and guilt i felt just for living. And for right now, that is enough about my distant past. It was hell on earth for me. i think we all understand. The point of my story is not how horrible my growing up was, but how REDEMPTIVE our great God is!

i need to explain that i don't capitalize the "i" when i type...it is just my style, so bear with me :o)

This story focuses in on the last few years or so, with a brief history.

At age 17, i made a commitment to Christ, after a long time in a treatment center (drug/alcohol abuse), in and out patient. A few friends in high school were instrumental in my conversion, as they kept inviting me to church, even after all the times i said no. I finally said yes.

 When i was in my 20's, i married an amazing, godly man. He is the picture of calm all most of the time. i, on the other hand, was NOT a picture of calm, and we struggled the first few years of marriage. With minimal family support, we were pretty much on our own. His family lives out of town. We were involved in a church, but even then, i don't think people understood just how difficult things had become for us in our marriage, behind closed doors.

Add kids. WOWZERS! If i thought i was doing well, or at least playing the part, having kids just blew my cover! Postpartum depression came down hard. I had struggled with depression from my teen years and on, but this was like nothing i had ever expected.

Enter Depression. Ah yes, the valley i camped out in for years! i mean YEARS! Yep, medication and therapy. i desperately wanted to be "whole" emotionally. i was told by people in the church that i needed more faith, that i must have sin, that i should pray a certain way for 5 minutes a day. i subjected myself to spiritual abuse at very strange prayer meetings, all for the sake of getting "healed" of my depression, and "delivered" from my past. Nothing worked. I entered a crisis of faith. "If God loved me, why....???" Eventually i made it out of that dark night of my soul (with so much loving care and prayer from my husband).

The enemy of my soul would have loved for me to stay there, BUT GOD had a story to write on my life.

I leave you today with lyrics from Sara Groves. The story continues tomorrow as we fast-forward to the last year or so...
Maybe There's A Loving God by
Sara Groves             I'm trying to work things out • I'm trying to comprehend • Am I the chance result • Of some great accident • I hear a rhythm call me • The echo of a grand design • I spend each night in the backyard • Staring up at the stars in the sky • • I have another meeting today • With my new counselor • My mom will cry and say • I don't know what to do with her • She's so unresponsive • I just cannot break through • She spends all night in the backyard • Staring up at the stars and the moon • • They have a chart and a graph • Of my despondency • They want to chart a path • For self-recovery • And want to know what I'm thinking • What motivates my mood • To spend all night in the backyard • Staring up at the stars and the moon • • Maybe this was made for me • For lying on my back in the middle of a field • Maybe that's a selfish thought • Or maybe there's a loving God • • Maybe I was made this way • To think and to reason and to question and to pray • And I have never prayed a lot • But maybe there's a loving God • • Maybe this was made for me • For lying on my back in the middle of a field • Maybe that's a selfish thought • Or maybe there's a loving God • • Maybe I was mad this way • To think and to reason and to question and to pray • And I have never prayed a lot • But maybe there's a loving God • • And that may be a foolish thought • Or maybe there is a God • And I have never prayed a lot • But maybe there's a loving God • •

When i first heard this song, years ago, it just resonated with me. i did this. i was drawn to the safety of the night sky as a teen, and would really wonder these things...