"I Need You!"

There are times when a song moves beyond the realm of "that's a great tune" into the realm of being the very fiber of your being. I am amazed at how, at the right time, one can rediscover a song that is exactly what you need, right now.

There are many difficult things we pass through as we traverse this sod. Things happen and bring back echoes of past pain. Then those echoes become shouts in your head. It is at this point that all the heart can cry is, "Oh, I need YOU! God I need You now!"

One may cry out for God to take away whatever is causing the ache, the pain, the suffering. God, in His great wisdom, goodness, and love sometimes just gives you the strength to keep breathing. This is the rub. This is where one must learn to lean in to His sovereignty. THAT is hard. Trusting in His goodness in the midst of deep, aching pain. Yet, it is the place one must go in the midst of the ache, 

For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” ~Hebrews 13:5

Cry out to Him in your need. He is faithful. Always.

Journals

Despair.
Gloom.
Depression.
Rejection.
Oppression.
Abuse.
Guilt.
Shame.
Manipulation.
Emotionally Driven.
Anger.
Death.

All of those words describe my many journals from the past. This weekend i was going through a box. A box of memories. Some not so pleasant. I found a letter. A letter that forever changed me, and not for the better. A letter that reminded me that i didn't make up things in my past. A letter that showed me how lost i was, and how abandoned i was in the hours i needed protection the most. A letter that put into high-gear the rebellion that was silently, stealthily, growing. A letter. Words. Words that killed the spirit of a 14 year old girl.

Then,

I found journals from when i was in my early 20's. Cries of desperation to God, praises for apparent change (due to my own efforts), and then a deeper plunge into the dark pit. Oh, how my heart broke for this woman. This woman who thought for so long that the cross of Christ wasn't enough. For this woman who thought that she had to earn love and acceptance from God, and that every sin she committed caused her to lose her salvation. Then, if she repented enough and cried out enough, she would be saved....again.
O, my heart broke. broke for the lies that she had believed, for the truth she was not told, for the "works" she performed in hopes of being free, for the times she went to "prayer sessions" to be free, for the fear she lived in every minute of every day. This woman was bound in sin and by the fear of man.

As i read, i couldn't help contrast how different things are today. Today. O glorious today. 

Today. Today i am growing. Today i am learning to lean in to Christ as the All Sufficient One. I have learned to let go of the fear of man (it is still a battle some days, but it no longer controls me). Today i am being challenged to grow in the Word, to rest in the gospel, to put on the armor of God.  Through intense Biblical Discipleship and the tender care of our Pastor, God has transformed my life (and He continues to).

I look back on my journals, and wish that someone would have taught me these truths long ago. I cannot go back in time. I can only move forward, with my eyes fixed on Christ. I now see that i can do NOTHING to add to what Christ has done at Calvary for me, a wretched sinner. I now see that i am loved by God more that i ever deserve, because of what Christ has done. I now see that my salvation is SECURE! I am safe in Christ! No one can snatch me out of His amazing, nail-scarred hands. No one. For those scars were for me, for my sin, so that i could be reconciled to God and have eternity with Him to sing His glorious praise!