from Penal Suffering to Loving Sovereignty

When our church held their Thanksgiving Eve service, i was asked to give a testimony about how I had learned that God didn't just love me because He had to, but that He actually liked me. This past year has been truly one of the most difficult years i have had. This saturday will mark the one-year anniversary of my Dad's death. This is not an anniversary i wanted to have, nor do i celebrate it, though through some tears i am remembering the good things about who he was. Through this year, i have learned more about God, the gospel, and myself than i could have without walking through the suffering and pain.

I share my testimony here....it should take about 7-10 minutes to read :)

From Penal Suffering to Loving Sovereignty ~ Thanksgiving Eve, 2013

(the following paragraph are all song titles that have ministered God's truth to me through the last number of months) 

Though You Slay Me and Move in Mysterious Ways, I will Turn My Eyes Upon Jesus, and cry out, "Jesus, Draw Me Ever Nearer". Because You Walked in Lonely Places, I can now Lift Up My Sorrows, knowing that You Did That For Me. Amazing Grace sets me on A Firm Foundation, knowing that Jesus exchanged His Robes for Mine. In Christ Alone can I truly say "It Is Well With My Soul!" Amazing love, how can it be that Thou, my God, shouldst die for me? Praise the Lord, for GREAT things He IS doing!!

Sara Groves simply, yet profoundly states “I believe in a peace that flows deeper than pain, 

That broken find healing in love; Pain is no measure of His faithfulness, He withholds no good thing from us.”

I could not say that with confidence a few months ago. I grew up overhearing it said about me that i was loved, because i had to be, but that i was not liked. I had wrongly assumed that God felt the same way.  I believed that God loved me out of obligation, because He promised to since i had called on the name of Christ. Yet it was a begrudging love; A love that was just waiting for me to mess up so that He could punish me. I falsely believed that He only tolerated me; that the sufferings and trials i faced in life were punishments for my sin, because Christ’s death simply wasn’t enough. I still had to pay.

But God…!

Over the past months, God has faithfully revealed to me my sinful thinking. Through reading His precious Word, the preaching of His Word, godly counsel, and other books, God has lovingly shown me the Truth through His Holy Spirit.

And what is that Truth? It is that He, God, likes me. He doesn’t love me because He has to, He actually delights in me.. 

 “The Lord your God is in your midst,A victorious warrior.He will exult over you with joy,He will be quiet in His love,He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy. Zephaniah 3:17

His Word says in Ephesians 1:3-7 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, ⁴ just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we would be holy and blameless before ^[d]Him. In love^5 [e]He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the ^[f]kind intention of His will, ⁶ to the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us in the Beloved.

I have learned that God is a loving Sovereign; that the trials and sufferings I face are given to me by a loving Father who is working all things to my good, in order to conform me to the image of His glorious Son. Believe me when I say that the last verse I wanted to hear after my Dad died and all the trials since, was Romans 8:28. But one day, someone pointed out to me that verse 29 follows! Here it is…Here is WHY God causes ALL things (yes, even that really painful situation) to work for the good of the called:  And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. ²⁹ For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son.

I can now truly believe and embrace the truths that Joseph Alliene penned so very long ago:

From the curse of the cross I will deliver you (Psalm 119:71). Afflictions shall prove a wholesome cup to you; your Lord has drunk the venom into His won body, and what remains for you is but a healthful potion which I promise shall work for your good (Romans 8:28). Be not afraid to drink, nor desire that the cup should pass from you. I bless the cup before I give it to you (Job 5:17). Drink all of it and be thankful; you shall find My blessing a the bottom of the cup to sweeten the sharpest afflictions to you (James 1:12; Psalm 94:12). I will stand by you in all conditions, and be a fast Friend to you in every change (Isaiah 43:2). In the wilderness I will speak comfortably to you, and in the fire and water I will be with you (Hosea 2:14). I will be a strength to the poor and a strength to the needy in his distress; a refuge from the storm, and  a shadow from the heat, when the blast of terrible ones is as a storm against the wall (Isaiah 25:4). Your sufferings shall not be a cup of wrath, but a grace cup; not a curse, but a cure; not a cup of trembling, but a cup of blessing to you (Hebrews 12:6-8). They shall not hurt you, but heal you (Psalm 119:67). My blessing shall attend you in every condition (Genesis 26:3).  from The Precious Promises of the Gospel, pg. 10  (note: this book was written from the perspective of God speaking the Gospel truth to His people. It is full of Scripture. It is taking the promises and truths of the Word and writing them out as though God were saying them personally to you. It is not to be read AS Scripture, but as a more devotional reading, with study of the Scriptures mentioned). 

In summary, Colossians 3:3 states For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. ⁴ When Christ, who is our life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed with Him in glory. I will just read a part from my journal that I think best expresses how this verse helped me see the love of God:

I have begun to wrestle with being IN Christ. I read Romans 8 again yesterday. Read Col. 3:1-2. prayed. As I started working on the thought that God loves me because he is obligated to because I have followed Christ, but he doesn't like me very much, it started to penetrate.. that I am IN Christ.It hit me. I have to die. die to so many of my fleshly desires. And that all the stuff in Romans 8 is true that He will raise me up to life in Christ. then I realized that Col. 3 is true! I am hidden with Christ, in God. God see's all the goodness of Christ when He looks at me. I am hidden IN Christ, and hidden WITH Christ. So, God looks at Christ, and He doesn't tolerate Christ. He loves Him. He enjoys Him. Christ is His Son. And I am hidden within that.  I am choosing to not despise this small step, to walk on in faith. To press in. To BELIEVE this truth, regardless of feelings; to RECKON IT SO.

A few quotes and I am done. One email I received simply stated this: Jeanette the Lord likes you a lot. I just wept when I read that. And another said this: Your story is being woven together by a Master Artisan Whose ways are so mysterious and often painful, yet so glorious and beautiful!

John Piper has snippets of a sermon piped into a song by Shane & Shane called Though You Slay Me: this song was significant in this journey. He says that our pain is not meaningless. It has a purpose, whether it was cancer, or criticism, sickness or slander… it is producing and eternal weight of glory. We may never see the purpose here, but we can know that we are loved more than we ever deserve, we are liked and delighted in by our loving Sovereign, and He IS WORKING ALL THINGS FOR THE GOOD OF THOSE WHO ARE THE CALLED!

2 Corinthians 4:8-9,  we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing;⁹ persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;…therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, ¹⁸ while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.

Paul Tripp says this: “So God’s grace isn’t always comfortable, because He isn’t primarily working on our comfort; He’s working on our character. With violent grace He will crush us because He loves us, and is committed to our restoration, deliverance, and refinement. And THAT is something worth celebrating.”

I close with a hymn by the Getty’s. May this be the prayer of all of our hearts:

Jesus, Draw me ever nearer

As I labor through the storm

You have called me to this passage

And I'll follow, though I'm worn

May this journey bring a blessing

May I rise on wings of faith

And at the end of my hearts testing

With Your likeness let me wake

Jesus, guide me through the tempest

Keep my spirit stayed and sure

When the midnight meets the morning

Let me love You even more

May this journey bring a blessing

May I rise on wings of faith

And at the end of my hearts testing

With Your likeness let me wake

Let the treasures of the trial

Form within me as I go

And at the end of this long passage

Let me leave them at your throne

May this journey bring a blessing

May I rise on wings of faith

And at the end of my hearts testing

With Your likeness let me wake

Calling Out

This is about all i can say today...

Jesus, Draw me ever nearer
As I labor through the storm
You have called me to this passage
And I'll follow, though I'm worn

May this journey bring a blessing
May I rise on wings of faith
And at the end of my hearts testing
With Your likeness let me wake

Jesus, guide me through the tempest
Keep my spirit stayed and sure
When the midnight meets the morning
Let me love You even more

May this journey bring a blessing
May I rise on wings of faith
And at the end of my hearts testing
With Your likeness let me wake


Let the treasures of the trial
Form within me as I go
And at the end of this long passage
Let me leave them at your throne

May this journey bring a blessing
May I rise on wings of faith
And at the end of my hearts testing
With Your likeness let me wake

by Keith & Kirsten Getty

Grief Observed

It has been over 8 months since my Dad passed away.

I don't talk about him much, though he is most always in my thoughts.

I still get teary-eyed from time to time. I re-live the day of his death often, since i was there with him when he passed.

When my Dad died, everything changed. Everything.

I ended up in some pretty intensive Biblical Discipleship, due to some major upheaval, where i have homework to do: books to read, verses that i pick to memorize, questions to answer, articles to read and pull thoughts out of. It is so good, and so hard all at the same time.

I have seen my sin, as i was immersed in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I saw my bondage to the fear of man, and had to work through some really tough things. But God... God is so FAITHFUL. and gentle. and loving. I even discovered that He doesn't just love me because He has to, but that He likes me as well!

I recently was given God's Healing for Life's Losses: How to Find Hope When You're Hurting by Robert Kellemen. Starting this book has been excellent for me. As i started it, this struck me:

Here's my promise to you. I'm not giving you pabulum. No trite platitudes. No false promises. No pretending. We'll remain real and raw like the Puritans who labeled suffering "losses and crosses." pg. 3

then,

When tragedy occurs, we enter a crisis of faith. We either move toward God or away from God. We'll probe how to move in the direction of finding God in the midst of our suffering

The end in sight is not quick answers through easy steps. Our goal is deep healing through a personal journey--With God, in Christ. He never lets you walk alone.  pg. 7

If you are like me and didn't know what pabulum was, here is the definition:  bland or insipid intellectual fare, entertainment, etc.

Oh, how thankful i am already for this book... to be real and raw. While i am reading it, sometimes it seems like i just lost my Dad a week ago. Yet, here i am. 8+ months out. I am realizing i need to talk about my Dad more, not just keep it all in my head. and i must let the tears roll down my cheeks, still.

With the intense discipling has come some real growth. In the beginning i was so tired of hearing Romans 8:28. You know, the one we pull out when we don't know what to say, instead of sometimes sitting quietly with the person and weeping with them...It is true, yes. God's Word is true and powerful and living. It is a beautiful verse, yet in the context of great loss, it can sound hollow. BUT... when someone pointed out to me that verse 29 follows verse 28, well, it meant more to me:

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son... Romans 8:28-29a

 Think of it... ALL things work for good, BECAUSE He is conforming us to the image of His Son! It is quite a bit to wrap our minds around, and reading Romans 8 in its entirety significantly helps. How encouraging! Even the darkest of nights in my life, He is using it to make me more like Christ. In my suffering, i can identify (albeit not to the extent of Christ's) with Christ in HIS suffering.

I am looking forward to finishing the book on grief. I believe it will continue to solidify the healing that has already begun, and it has already given me "permission" to be real and raw with my pain. If you find yourself suffering for any reason, i believe that Kelleman's book could be a real resource to bring hope (aside from THE Ultimate Source ~ Christ Jesus).

God is taking the ashes of my life and creating something far more beautiful than i could have ever imagined. I would not have chosen this path for myself. Who would? Yet, i am finally seeing how beauty can truly come from the ashes, all for His glory, and His fame.

an observation

My husband and I were discussing some music last night. I have been exposed to a singer/songwriter named Josh Garrels. {Um... REALLY like his music!} As we were talking about one song, my sweet hubby noticed something about me.
he looks over at me with a smirk on his snerk, and lovingly says, "You don't passively listen to music."
I had to chuckle. yeah. NO! i hadn't thought of it that way before, but it is absolutely true. I can hear stuff, and it seems like it becomes a part of me. I get wrapped up in the song.  I am sensitive to the tone of voice it is sung in. i can hear the intesity behind the voice. i can feel it. deep inside, i feel the music. and yes, i am one of those ones who will play a song that i am totally "getting" over and over and over.

i don't know.

it moves me. intensely. Even the instrumentals. It speaks.

that being said, i have to take care with what i am listening to!

And that is why the new (to me) sound and voice of Josh Garrels is so refreshing. He is a Believer; a Christ-one. And he is creative. He sings with his soul. it is a breath of fresh air in the cookie-cutter "christian" music scene. He aches over the broken things in this world. He soars with the beauty that is to be found in true, real relationships. He sings the Word of God in a way that is captivating (Revelator).

so, yeah. i don't passively listen to music. i intensely listen. it is part of what makes me, me. As i listen, i learn things; about God, myself, the Bible, and others.

Real love. Really.

Six Months

Six months ago today.

It was Friday.

and it was cold. 

Not as cold as it had been.

but still, cold. 

I was with my Dad.

reading Psalm 34 to him. 

I had no idea that he was actively dying.

He was clammy. 

I thought he was just hot and sweaty.

I prayed. 

and sang. 

Amazing Grace.

and Jesus Loves Me/You.

They came to shift him around.

i came back in and his lips were blue.

running. 

nurses. 

"He is going, honey." 

"He is gone."

God had His people there. 

The head nurse is His. 

She prayed for me, with me. 

"Are you a Christ-one" i mumble.

"Yes. Let's pray." 

It was precious. 

real. 

sincere.

She is a Christ-one. 

I was alone, 

but not alone. 

moved to a room. 

waiting. 

making phone calls. 

crying.

My sister arrived. 

My husband was there

as i went back to the room.

The room where he lay.

still. 

silent. 

no machines. 

no beeps.

no more nurses. 

That day is ingrained in my mind. 

every moment. 

Arrived home to loving friends. 

The Barton's. 

tumbled out of car, 

and finally fell apart.

completely. 

grief. 

oh, grief. 

Friend's stopping in all afternoon, 

and Pastors coming in the evening. 

Tears shed with me. 

love.

absolute love. 

in the midst of deepest grief and pain. 

Christ's hands and feet...every single one of them that came. 

My precious husband. 

Loving me. holding me. letting me weep.

The last 6 months have been some of the most difficult, if not THE most difficult months i have walked through. God is so faithful to carry me. to grow me. to comfort me. to heal me. My dad's passing has brought up so many things. difficult things. i am still surprised at how very much I miss him. I wish i could hear him talk again; see him smile; hear his laugh...even hear him yell. at least he would be here. 

But he is not here. 

He never will be again. 

His death brought about many changes. Familial changes that have been just as difficult to handle. Through it all, God is showing me that He alone is my heritage and my hope. My refuge and my Redeemer. My peace, and my comforter. He is my all in all. 

His Word has become so precious to me. My very life... I long to hide myself in His Word. To cling to the promises. To trust that they are true and that they are for me. My earthly dad is gone. i miss him. i had never gone this long without talking to him. it is so hard. 

But i lift my gaze to heaven, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. I fix my eyes upon Him, the Author and Finisher of my faith. My Jesus. My hope. My security. My God. My Father. My everything. 

Six life-changing months. sorrowful, yet finding moments of joy. hurting, yet finding hope. Biblical hope. REAL HOPE. 

Hold On

Not sure if you have ever been so desperate that all you can do is cling to the promises in God's Word, but if you have, this song will resonate with you.. I know i have found myself on the kitchen floor in tears and praying before...
just bein' real here.

This is actually a song my husband is liking right now too, so you could say this is kind of a post from him ;).

you can click play on the video, but it will make you go to YouTube to watch it...

Are you tired too?

To say stuff has been going on in my life the past number of months would be an understatement. The good news? God is changing me. not my circumstances, necessarily... but me. I am forever grateful for the fire that refines.

a dear friend heard this song on the radio, and sent it to me. i found the story behind the song after i listened, and just wept. This was quite some time ago. I finally feel i can share it here.

Know that in the midst of all the trials, that God IS working. He IS there. Cling to the precious promises in the Gospel.

Here is the story behind the song:




Here is the song (~:

Worn ~ Tenth Avenue North at KLOVE radio

here is the official video

official music video for Worn

Forsaken no more

i grew up listening to Don Francisco. Went to a concert when i was in 5th or 6th grade. His music resonates with me in a way i can't explain. He sings the Word. i heard this song today as i was playing a disc. i can't pick a song that pinpoints what things were like for me growing up better than this one, and the love and security and redemption i have in my Heavenly Father. 

this is why i cry when i hear or sing: 

• of His great love for me. 
• of how He will never leave me.
• of how He will never let me go.
• of the security i have in Him. 
• of what Christ did to redeem me.
• of how much of a Father He is. 

Truly, God will never forsake His own. He will never reject. He will never leave. Praise His glorious name!

The Real Deal, Baby

i am an emotionally intense person. this is not a bad thing, it's just who i am. But, until recently, i thought it was a bad thing. We all get a little intense when talking about things that are important to us, but some of us are intense about everything! I would be one of them.

this is why i can cry most every time i sing Amazing Grace and And Can It Be? It is why i laugh easily and cry easily. i, like one of my sweet daughters, feel everything with every fiber of my being.

i still cry during Wall-E. every.time.
i still cry watching Pride and Prejudice...for the umpteenth time. (Oh, and Facing the Giants, too).
i cry during a cheesy, old, love song.
i cry reading missionary biographies.
i cry reading practical Christian living books. (okay...i have even cried reading the descriptions in the Vision Forum catalogue sometimes). 
i cry listening to God's Word preached.
i cry reading God's Word.
i cry listening to a friend share her heartache or her deepest joys.
i cry when i think of how loved i am by my husband.
i cry when i realize how loved i am by God, my heavenly Father.

i think you get the picture. i cry. A lot. Tears of sadness, understanding, joy, thankfulness, etc.

BUT....

i also laugh. often. and easily.
i laugh during Wall-E. every.time.
i laugh listening to cheesy, old, love songs (especially when i look at my 13 year old's face).
i laugh reading missionary biographies.
i laugh reading practical Christian living books.
i laugh with joy sometimes when reading God's Word.
i smile from ear-to-ear when worshiping.
i laugh with my friends, at their stories.
i laugh with my husband.

I used to think being this way was a weakness. Now i can see it as simply the way God fashioned and formed me...i am, after all,  fearfully and wonderfully made...we all are! (see Psalm 139).  i used to think that if i cried when trying to explain a sermon or a song i heard, that i was too emotional, or too weak. I would try to justify my tears, justify my emotions, like i was on trial. Now i can see that it is the way i was wired....The promises of God are precious and true, living and active. i have been rescued from great darkness, and when i hear something that reminds me of the depth of His amazing love, i am still floored.

We are not all wired the same way :) and we don't all respond to things the same. Trust me, i know.  i married and Englishman. I am Italian. We are a bit different (~;. But i am done trying to hide my  tears when they are flowing. i am embracing how God has made me. He made me an intense person, emotionally. And that is wonderful.

May He use it all to His excellent glory.