Some Days

There are some days when you have to sing this song to yourself often.

a reminder

Oh, to always remember this! 

Romans 5

Romans 8:37-39

from Penal Suffering to Loving Sovereignty

When our church held their Thanksgiving Eve service, i was asked to give a testimony about how I had learned that God didn't just love me because He had to, but that He actually liked me. This past year has been truly one of the most difficult years i have had. This saturday will mark the one-year anniversary of my Dad's death. This is not an anniversary i wanted to have, nor do i celebrate it, though through some tears i am remembering the good things about who he was. Through this year, i have learned more about God, the gospel, and myself than i could have without walking through the suffering and pain.

I share my testimony here....it should take about 7-10 minutes to read :)

From Penal Suffering to Loving Sovereignty ~ Thanksgiving Eve, 2013

(the following paragraph are all song titles that have ministered God's truth to me through the last number of months) 

Though You Slay Me and Move in Mysterious Ways, I will Turn My Eyes Upon Jesus, and cry out, "Jesus, Draw Me Ever Nearer". Because You Walked in Lonely Places, I can now Lift Up My Sorrows, knowing that You Did That For Me. Amazing Grace sets me on A Firm Foundation, knowing that Jesus exchanged His Robes for Mine. In Christ Alone can I truly say "It Is Well With My Soul!" Amazing love, how can it be that Thou, my God, shouldst die for me? Praise the Lord, for GREAT things He IS doing!!

Sara Groves simply, yet profoundly states “I believe in a peace that flows deeper than pain, 

That broken find healing in love; Pain is no measure of His faithfulness, He withholds no good thing from us.”

I could not say that with confidence a few months ago. I grew up overhearing it said about me that i was loved, because i had to be, but that i was not liked. I had wrongly assumed that God felt the same way.  I believed that God loved me out of obligation, because He promised to since i had called on the name of Christ. Yet it was a begrudging love; A love that was just waiting for me to mess up so that He could punish me. I falsely believed that He only tolerated me; that the sufferings and trials i faced in life were punishments for my sin, because Christ’s death simply wasn’t enough. I still had to pay.

But God…!

Over the past months, God has faithfully revealed to me my sinful thinking. Through reading His precious Word, the preaching of His Word, godly counsel, and other books, God has lovingly shown me the Truth through His Holy Spirit.

And what is that Truth? It is that He, God, likes me. He doesn’t love me because He has to, He actually delights in me.. 

 “The Lord your God is in your midst,A victorious warrior.He will exult over you with joy,He will be quiet in His love,He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy. Zephaniah 3:17

His Word says in Ephesians 1:3-7 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, ⁴ just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we would be holy and blameless before ^[d]Him. In love^5 [e]He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the ^[f]kind intention of His will, ⁶ to the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us in the Beloved.

I have learned that God is a loving Sovereign; that the trials and sufferings I face are given to me by a loving Father who is working all things to my good, in order to conform me to the image of His glorious Son. Believe me when I say that the last verse I wanted to hear after my Dad died and all the trials since, was Romans 8:28. But one day, someone pointed out to me that verse 29 follows! Here it is…Here is WHY God causes ALL things (yes, even that really painful situation) to work for the good of the called:  And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. ²⁹ For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son.

I can now truly believe and embrace the truths that Joseph Alliene penned so very long ago:

From the curse of the cross I will deliver you (Psalm 119:71). Afflictions shall prove a wholesome cup to you; your Lord has drunk the venom into His won body, and what remains for you is but a healthful potion which I promise shall work for your good (Romans 8:28). Be not afraid to drink, nor desire that the cup should pass from you. I bless the cup before I give it to you (Job 5:17). Drink all of it and be thankful; you shall find My blessing a the bottom of the cup to sweeten the sharpest afflictions to you (James 1:12; Psalm 94:12). I will stand by you in all conditions, and be a fast Friend to you in every change (Isaiah 43:2). In the wilderness I will speak comfortably to you, and in the fire and water I will be with you (Hosea 2:14). I will be a strength to the poor and a strength to the needy in his distress; a refuge from the storm, and  a shadow from the heat, when the blast of terrible ones is as a storm against the wall (Isaiah 25:4). Your sufferings shall not be a cup of wrath, but a grace cup; not a curse, but a cure; not a cup of trembling, but a cup of blessing to you (Hebrews 12:6-8). They shall not hurt you, but heal you (Psalm 119:67). My blessing shall attend you in every condition (Genesis 26:3).  from The Precious Promises of the Gospel, pg. 10  (note: this book was written from the perspective of God speaking the Gospel truth to His people. It is full of Scripture. It is taking the promises and truths of the Word and writing them out as though God were saying them personally to you. It is not to be read AS Scripture, but as a more devotional reading, with study of the Scriptures mentioned). 

In summary, Colossians 3:3 states For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. ⁴ When Christ, who is our life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed with Him in glory. I will just read a part from my journal that I think best expresses how this verse helped me see the love of God:

I have begun to wrestle with being IN Christ. I read Romans 8 again yesterday. Read Col. 3:1-2. prayed. As I started working on the thought that God loves me because he is obligated to because I have followed Christ, but he doesn't like me very much, it started to penetrate.. that I am IN Christ.It hit me. I have to die. die to so many of my fleshly desires. And that all the stuff in Romans 8 is true that He will raise me up to life in Christ. then I realized that Col. 3 is true! I am hidden with Christ, in God. God see's all the goodness of Christ when He looks at me. I am hidden IN Christ, and hidden WITH Christ. So, God looks at Christ, and He doesn't tolerate Christ. He loves Him. He enjoys Him. Christ is His Son. And I am hidden within that.  I am choosing to not despise this small step, to walk on in faith. To press in. To BELIEVE this truth, regardless of feelings; to RECKON IT SO.

A few quotes and I am done. One email I received simply stated this: Jeanette the Lord likes you a lot. I just wept when I read that. And another said this: Your story is being woven together by a Master Artisan Whose ways are so mysterious and often painful, yet so glorious and beautiful!

John Piper has snippets of a sermon piped into a song by Shane & Shane called Though You Slay Me: this song was significant in this journey. He says that our pain is not meaningless. It has a purpose, whether it was cancer, or criticism, sickness or slander… it is producing and eternal weight of glory. We may never see the purpose here, but we can know that we are loved more than we ever deserve, we are liked and delighted in by our loving Sovereign, and He IS WORKING ALL THINGS FOR THE GOOD OF THOSE WHO ARE THE CALLED!

2 Corinthians 4:8-9,  we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing;⁹ persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;…therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, ¹⁸ while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.

Paul Tripp says this: “So God’s grace isn’t always comfortable, because He isn’t primarily working on our comfort; He’s working on our character. With violent grace He will crush us because He loves us, and is committed to our restoration, deliverance, and refinement. And THAT is something worth celebrating.”

I close with a hymn by the Getty’s. May this be the prayer of all of our hearts:

Jesus, Draw me ever nearer

As I labor through the storm

You have called me to this passage

And I'll follow, though I'm worn

May this journey bring a blessing

May I rise on wings of faith

And at the end of my hearts testing

With Your likeness let me wake

Jesus, guide me through the tempest

Keep my spirit stayed and sure

When the midnight meets the morning

Let me love You even more

May this journey bring a blessing

May I rise on wings of faith

And at the end of my hearts testing

With Your likeness let me wake

Let the treasures of the trial

Form within me as I go

And at the end of this long passage

Let me leave them at your throne

May this journey bring a blessing

May I rise on wings of faith

And at the end of my hearts testing

With Your likeness let me wake

Rough and Heavy Crosses

At the end of November I mentioned that we would be considering what it means to take up our cross, and follow in the steps of Christ. You can find the post here. This is the quote that started me thinking:

"Our Christianity loves its ease and comforts too well to take up anything so rough and heavy as a cross. And yet, what does Jesus mean? What is it to walk in His steps?"               ~Charles Sheldon, In His Steps pg. 189 

I have been thinking about this for a long time now. Finally, i am able to get some thoughts down! I understand that each of us have different "crosses" that we carry, yet we also share many that are similar. Many of us,if not all, have walked through the loss of a loved one, and all the situations surrounding that. We have to grieve the physical loss. Most have struggled in relationships with others. Some have parental relationships that are difficult and/or strained. We deal with sadness. We wonder what God wants us to do next? He has possibly burdened your heart for a land you may never get to go to. We walk through difficulties with our children, our spouses, our friends. So, while we all have different crosses, we all also have many that are the same.

I have learned that, though the pain of the cross is hard, the suffering seems unbearable at times, that God is using these things in my life to transform me to the image of His Son.

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren; Romans 8:28-29 bold mine

 Anytime i am tempted to cry out "Why, God?" i think of Christ dying in my place: bearing my cross, drinking down to the dregs the full cup of the wrath of God for me. I think of Christ being forsaken by God on that cross, so that i would never have to be. I think of all the sorrows that Jesus bore as He walked this dusty land: abandonment, death of loved ones, rejection, betrayal, grief over the effects of sin, sorrow over Jerusalem... I think of how God placed upon His precious Son the sins that i have committed, that i continue to commit, and that i will commit in the future.  And i realize that any cross that God puts in my path pales in comparison to what my Lord Jesus suffered. It is through suffering that we draw nearer to God, and grow in ways that we wouldn't otherwise be able to.

No matter what the cross is you are facing, be strengthened by looking up to your faithful High Priest, who is ever living to make intercession for you, and who was both the sacrifice and the One offering the sacrifice for you. Fix your gaze on Christ. Pick up your cross, and follow Him. The One who is transforming you from glory to glory.

 Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.         Hebrews 4:14-16

 but Jesus, on the other hand, because He continues forever, holds His priesthood permanently. 25 Therefore He is able also to save [i]forever those who draw near to God through Him, since He always lives to make intercession for them. 26 For it was fitting for us to have such a high priest, holy, innocent, undefiled, separated from sinners and exalted above the heavens; 27 who does not need daily, like those high priests, to offer up sacrifices, first for His own sins and then for the sins of the people, because this He did once for all when He offered up Himself. Hebrews 7:24-27

We do not suffer alone. There is One who has gone before us. Also, God has provided His people as a source of comfort, encouragement, correction, and help when we carrying a particularly heavy cross. Lean in to His excellent Word. Lean in to your circle of friends. Lean in to your local church for godly counsel and help if needed. Most importantly, lean in to the sufferings of Jesus, and there find hope for your soul.

Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ. 2 Corinthians 1:2-5

The Gospel of Jesus Christ

Please take 9 minutes to listen to the glorious Gospel of Jesus Christ, presented by Steve Lawson in October. This was an impromptu question he was asked, and he just NAILED it! It is sooo good for us to meditate on the riches of grace that are found in Christ alone..

(the video has embedding disabled, so you will have to click the link to see it)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4exu-7RDdKE&feature=share&list=TLhhXqGXUdHxplWoh0kLn8G0XmWS9RHQiP

Soli Deo Gloria! 

Journals

Despair.
Gloom.
Depression.
Rejection.
Oppression.
Abuse.
Guilt.
Shame.
Manipulation.
Emotionally Driven.
Anger.
Death.

All of those words describe my many journals from the past. This weekend i was going through a box. A box of memories. Some not so pleasant. I found a letter. A letter that forever changed me, and not for the better. A letter that reminded me that i didn't make up things in my past. A letter that showed me how lost i was, and how abandoned i was in the hours i needed protection the most. A letter that put into high-gear the rebellion that was silently, stealthily, growing. A letter. Words. Words that killed the spirit of a 14 year old girl.

Then,

I found journals from when i was in my early 20's. Cries of desperation to God, praises for apparent change (due to my own efforts), and then a deeper plunge into the dark pit. Oh, how my heart broke for this woman. This woman who thought for so long that the cross of Christ wasn't enough. For this woman who thought that she had to earn love and acceptance from God, and that every sin she committed caused her to lose her salvation. Then, if she repented enough and cried out enough, she would be saved....again.
O, my heart broke. broke for the lies that she had believed, for the truth she was not told, for the "works" she performed in hopes of being free, for the times she went to "prayer sessions" to be free, for the fear she lived in every minute of every day. This woman was bound in sin and by the fear of man.

As i read, i couldn't help contrast how different things are today. Today. O glorious today. 

Today. Today i am growing. Today i am learning to lean in to Christ as the All Sufficient One. I have learned to let go of the fear of man (it is still a battle some days, but it no longer controls me). Today i am being challenged to grow in the Word, to rest in the gospel, to put on the armor of God.  Through intense Biblical Discipleship and the tender care of our Pastor, God has transformed my life (and He continues to).

I look back on my journals, and wish that someone would have taught me these truths long ago. I cannot go back in time. I can only move forward, with my eyes fixed on Christ. I now see that i can do NOTHING to add to what Christ has done at Calvary for me, a wretched sinner. I now see that i am loved by God more that i ever deserve, because of what Christ has done. I now see that my salvation is SECURE! I am safe in Christ! No one can snatch me out of His amazing, nail-scarred hands. No one. For those scars were for me, for my sin, so that i could be reconciled to God and have eternity with Him to sing His glorious praise!

Grief Observed

It has been over 8 months since my Dad passed away.

I don't talk about him much, though he is most always in my thoughts.

I still get teary-eyed from time to time. I re-live the day of his death often, since i was there with him when he passed.

When my Dad died, everything changed. Everything.

I ended up in some pretty intensive Biblical Discipleship, due to some major upheaval, where i have homework to do: books to read, verses that i pick to memorize, questions to answer, articles to read and pull thoughts out of. It is so good, and so hard all at the same time.

I have seen my sin, as i was immersed in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I saw my bondage to the fear of man, and had to work through some really tough things. But God... God is so FAITHFUL. and gentle. and loving. I even discovered that He doesn't just love me because He has to, but that He likes me as well!

I recently was given God's Healing for Life's Losses: How to Find Hope When You're Hurting by Robert Kellemen. Starting this book has been excellent for me. As i started it, this struck me:

Here's my promise to you. I'm not giving you pabulum. No trite platitudes. No false promises. No pretending. We'll remain real and raw like the Puritans who labeled suffering "losses and crosses." pg. 3

then,

When tragedy occurs, we enter a crisis of faith. We either move toward God or away from God. We'll probe how to move in the direction of finding God in the midst of our suffering

The end in sight is not quick answers through easy steps. Our goal is deep healing through a personal journey--With God, in Christ. He never lets you walk alone.  pg. 7

If you are like me and didn't know what pabulum was, here is the definition:  bland or insipid intellectual fare, entertainment, etc.

Oh, how thankful i am already for this book... to be real and raw. While i am reading it, sometimes it seems like i just lost my Dad a week ago. Yet, here i am. 8+ months out. I am realizing i need to talk about my Dad more, not just keep it all in my head. and i must let the tears roll down my cheeks, still.

With the intense discipling has come some real growth. In the beginning i was so tired of hearing Romans 8:28. You know, the one we pull out when we don't know what to say, instead of sometimes sitting quietly with the person and weeping with them...It is true, yes. God's Word is true and powerful and living. It is a beautiful verse, yet in the context of great loss, it can sound hollow. BUT... when someone pointed out to me that verse 29 follows verse 28, well, it meant more to me:

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son... Romans 8:28-29a

 Think of it... ALL things work for good, BECAUSE He is conforming us to the image of His Son! It is quite a bit to wrap our minds around, and reading Romans 8 in its entirety significantly helps. How encouraging! Even the darkest of nights in my life, He is using it to make me more like Christ. In my suffering, i can identify (albeit not to the extent of Christ's) with Christ in HIS suffering.

I am looking forward to finishing the book on grief. I believe it will continue to solidify the healing that has already begun, and it has already given me "permission" to be real and raw with my pain. If you find yourself suffering for any reason, i believe that Kelleman's book could be a real resource to bring hope (aside from THE Ultimate Source ~ Christ Jesus).

God is taking the ashes of my life and creating something far more beautiful than i could have ever imagined. I would not have chosen this path for myself. Who would? Yet, i am finally seeing how beauty can truly come from the ashes, all for His glory, and His fame.

Change

How do you know when REAL change has taken place? You know what i mean... you say "okay. i am not gonna get upset about ______. I am gonna try harder." and WHALAA! you do okay for a day or two, but then your resolve fizzles and you are blowing it consistently. No amount of pulling yourself up by your boot straps will work.  I would suggest that it is because you have been trying to do it in your own strength, out of a place of pride.

i know. this was me.

There is a TON i could write about this, but i only have time for a short snippet.

Lately, the gospel has been my everything. Every.day. i need the gospel. It is the power of God! As i humbly depend on the finished work of Christ, i notice i am responding to things differently.

Do i blow it? fail? yell?

yep.

but the Holy Spirit is faithful to convict me, to help me to not blame-shift, to take responsibility. i don't wallow in the mud of my failing anymore. i can get up, praise God for the Good News, and keep pressing in.

It struck me this week, how much God has been working. We host a small group 2x's a month. i was actually giddy and joy-filled at the thought of everyone coming over! i wasn't stressed at all. And then yesterday, i spend most of the day just smiling as i did laundry ( i had one hiccup and was frustrated for a bit, but God is faithful to show me my sin, and again i can repent and keep on going). Actually filled with joy in the mundane. Today, mowing and doing yardwork has filled my heart with song. i am realizing that life, every day of it, is a gift from God, that His grace is sufficient, and resting in the finished work of Christ and the knowledge that at this very moment He is ever interceeding for me. Trials WILL come. My faith will stand as it is based in Christ alone, and no longer in my own ability to perform.

Kindred Hearts & Ties that Bind

I am so very thankful for all the kindred hearts at our church. God has abundantly blessed us there, with beautiful relationships that are centered on His Gospel. Thank you, Grace Community Bible Church, for being real and for being so focused on Christ.


 

Love that never lets go

Taking My World Apart

In 1995 the band Jars of Clay released their first album. On that album is a song called "Worlds Apart". This song became my prayer. I couldn't listen to it without tears. I identified so closely with it. I had been a Christian for a few years at that point, and if i knew anything, i knew that God needed to strip me of my selfishness and pride. Strip me of who i thought i was. Strip me of what i allowed myself to be identified by (which was everything but HIM).

 Over the last 18 years, i have continued to pray this prayer, with this song. It is still raw. It still moves me to tears at times.

 The past month has seen my world turned up-side-down. Last week, this song came to my mind. All of a sudden, i realized that my prayers were being answered. God is taking my world apart. He is completely undoing me. "Providential destruction" as i heard it called. I am being completely undone by the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and that is a good thing. Jesus Christ really did have to die for me. He purchased my pardon at Calvary... ALL of my debts. there is nothing i can do to add to the work of the Cross.


 Well, here is a live version of the song. it is about 5 minutes long.