We truly sit in the in-between of the now and the not yet, of the known and the unknown.
Here, the mental meanderings of a gal as she lives in the in-between.
The theme lately seems to be love.
What is it? What does it look like? What does one expect?
What am i learning? Well, I am not ready to share all that here right now.
But i have been thinking. a lot.
There was an excellent sermon Sundayabout 1 Corinthians 13:1-3.
If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.
It was so good.
Then, we attended our Sunday School class, which is on marriage. The sermon was a perfect pairing with the session we watched in Paul Tripp's What Did You Expect video series.
All that has led to a lot of introspection. A lot of kneeling at the cross. A lot of processing in the best way.
This is a favorite of ours. It is so beautiful to hear this simple version.
Miracle by Sara Groves
Lay down your arms, give up the fight Quiet our hearts for a little while Things have been spoken shouldn't be said Rattles around in our hearts and our heads
Let's feel what we cannot feel Know what we cannot know Let's heal where we couldn't heal Oh, it's a miracle, it's a miracle
Things have been spoken, shouldn't be said Rattles around in our hearts and our heads
Let's feel what we cannot feel Know what we cannot know Let's heal where we couldn't heal Oh, it's a miracle, love is a miracle
Let's feel what we cannot feel Know what we cannot know Let's heal where we couldn't heal Oh, it's a miracle
Let's say what we cannot say Let's see what we cannot not see Let's hear what we could not hear Oh, it's a mystery, love is a mystery Oh, it's a miracle, it's a miracle, let's be a miracle
When our church held their Thanksgiving Eve service, i was asked to give a testimony about how I had learned that God didn't just love me because He had to, but that He actually liked me. This past year has been truly one of the most difficult years i have had. This saturday will mark the one-year anniversary of my Dad's death. This is not an anniversary i wanted to have, nor do i celebrate it, though through some tears i am remembering the good things about who he was. Through this year, i have learned more about God, the gospel, and myself than i could have without walking through the suffering and pain.
I share my testimony here....it should take about 7-10 minutes to read :)
From Penal Suffering to
Loving Sovereignty ~ Thanksgiving Eve, 2013
(the following paragraph are all song titles that have ministered God's truth to me through the last number of months)
Though You Slay Me and
Move in Mysterious Ways, I will Turn My Eyes Upon Jesus, and cry out,
"Jesus, Draw Me Ever Nearer". Because You Walked in Lonely Places, I
can now Lift Up My Sorrows, knowing that You Did That For Me. Amazing Grace
sets me on A Firm Foundation, knowing that Jesus exchanged His Robes for Mine.
In Christ Alone can I truly say "It Is Well With My Soul!" Amazing
love, how can it be that Thou, my God, shouldst die for me? Praise the Lord,
for GREAT things He IS doing!!
Sara Groves simply, yet profoundly states “I believe in a peace that flows deeper than
pain,
That broken find healing in love; Pain is no measure of His faithfulness, He
withholds no good thing from us.”
I could not say that with confidence a few months ago. I grew
up overhearing it said about me that i was loved, because i had to be, but that i was not liked. I had wrongly assumed that God
felt the same way. I believed that God
loved me out of obligation, because He promised to since i had called on the
name of Christ. Yet it was a begrudging love; A love that was just waiting for
me to mess up so that He could punish me. I falsely believed that He only
tolerated me; that the sufferings and trials i faced in life were punishments
for my sin, because Christ’s death simply wasn’t enough. I still had to pay.
But God…!
Over the past months, God has faithfully revealed to me my
sinful thinking. Through reading His
precious Word, the preaching of His
Word, godly counsel, and other books, God has lovingly shown me the Truth
through His Holy Spirit.
And what is that Truth? It is that He, God, likes me. He doesn’t love me because He has to, He actually delights in me..
“The Lord your God is in your
midst,A victorious warrior.He will exult over you with joy,He will be quiet in His love,He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy. Zephaniah 3:17
His Word says in Ephesians 1:3-7 Blessed be the God and Father of our
Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the
heavenly places in
Christ, 4 just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we
would be holy and blameless before [d]Him. In love5 [e]He predestined us
to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to
the [f]kind intention of His will, 6 to
the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us
in the Beloved.
I have learned that God
is a loving Sovereign; that the trials and sufferings I face are given to me by
a loving Father who is working all things to my good, in order to conform me to
the image of His glorious Son. Believe me when I say that the last verse I
wanted to hear after my Dad died and all the trials since, was Romans 8:28. But
one day, someone pointed out to me that verse 29 follows! Here it is…Here is
WHY God causes ALL things (yes, even that really painful situation) to work for
the good of the called: And we know that God
causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to
those who are called according to His purpose. 29 For those whom
He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son.
I can now truly believe
and embrace the truths that Joseph Alliene penned so very long ago:
From the curse of the cross I will deliver you (Psalm 119:71). Afflictions shall prove a wholesome cup to you; your Lord has drunk the venom into His won body, and what remains for you is but a healthful potion which I promise shall work for your good (Romans 8:28). Be not afraid to drink, nor desire that the cup should pass from you. I bless the cup before I give it to you (Job 5:17). Drink all of it and be thankful; you shall find My blessing a the bottom of the cup to sweeten the sharpest afflictions to you (James 1:12; Psalm 94:12). I will stand by you in all conditions, and be a fast Friend to you in every change (Isaiah 43:2). In the wilderness I will speak comfortably to you, and in the fire and water I will be with you (Hosea 2:14). I will be a strength to the poor and a strength to the needy in his distress; a refuge from the storm, and a shadow from the heat, when the blast of terrible ones is as a storm against the wall (Isaiah 25:4). Your sufferings shall not be a cup of wrath, but a grace cup; not a curse, but a cure; not a cup of trembling, but a cup of blessing to you (Hebrews 12:6-8). They shall not hurt you, but heal you (Psalm 119:67). My blessing shall attend you in every condition (Genesis 26:3). from The Precious Promises of the Gospel, pg. 10 (note: this book was written from the perspective of God speaking the Gospel truth to His people. It is full of Scripture. It is taking the promises and truths of the Word and writing them out as though God were saying them personally to you. It is not to be read AS Scripture, but as a more devotional reading, with study of the Scriptures mentioned).
In summary, Colossians 3:3 states For you have died and your life is
hidden with Christ in God. 4 When Christ, who
is our life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed with Him in
glory. I will just read a part from my journal that I think best expresses
how this verse helped me see the love of God:
I have begun to wrestle with being IN Christ. I read Romans 8
again yesterday. Read Col. 3:1-2. prayed. As I started working on the
thought that God loves me because he is obligated to because I have followed
Christ, but he doesn't like me very much, it started to penetrate.. that I am
IN Christ.It hit me. I have to die. die to so many of my fleshly
desires. And that all the stuff in Romans 8 is true that He will raise me up to
life in Christ. then I realized that Col. 3 is true! I am hidden with Christ,
in God. God see's all the goodness of Christ when He looks at me. I am hidden
IN Christ, and hidden WITH Christ. So, God looks at Christ, and He doesn't
tolerate Christ. He loves Him. He enjoys Him. Christ is His Son. And I am
hidden within that. I am choosing to not despise this small step, to walk
on in faith. To press in. To BELIEVE this truth, regardless of feelings; to
RECKON IT SO.
A few quotes and I am done. One email I received simply
stated this: Jeanette
the Lord likes you a lot. I
just wept when I read that. And another said this: Your story is being woven together by a Master Artisan Whose ways are
so mysterious and often painful, yet so glorious and beautiful!
John Piper has snippets of a sermon piped into a song by
Shane & Shane called Though You Slay Me: this song was significant in this
journey. He says that our pain is not meaningless. It has a purpose, whether it
was cancer, or criticism, sickness or slander… it is producing and eternal
weight of glory. We may never see the purpose here, but we can know that we are
loved more than we ever deserve, we are liked and delighted in by our loving
Sovereign, and He IS WORKING ALL THINGS FOR THE GOOD OF THOSE WHO ARE THE
CALLED!
2 Corinthians
4:8-9, we are afflicted
in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing;9 persecuted,
but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;…therefore
we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet
our inner man is being renewed day by day. 17 For
momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory
far beyond all comparison, 18 while we look
not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the
things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are
eternal.
Paul Tripp says this: “So God’s grace isn’t always
comfortable, because He isn’t primarily working on our comfort; He’s working on
our character. With violent grace He will crush us because He loves us, and is
committed to our restoration, deliverance, and refinement. And THAT is
something worth celebrating.”
I close with a hymn by the Getty’s. May this be the prayer of
all of our hearts:
Truly, our God withholds no good thing from us. Sorrows and joys, suffering and healing. All are working to conform us more to the image of His beautiful Son, Jesus Christ.
Was walking the dogs when this song came on my nano. i was thunder-struck by the line: "We give up God's gifts for dust and ashes, and blame him for the pain growing in our hearts." It almost hurt to hear it. it forced me to look and question if i have given up any of God's gifts, for things that will fade away.... My answer was troubling.
yes. i have. many times.
i have given up the wonderful gifts He has given me. i have forfeited true, real, lasting peace by not turning to Jesus, but turning to shopping or food to fill my ache. doesn't work. the guilt i feel afterwards is awful. is it worth it? no. i feel just as empty and restless as i did before, with added guilt. great.
there are many other things that i could list, but won't. you get the picture. the chorus of the song goes:
Sweet song of Solomon Remind us of love much purer than our own
I was reminded of just how amazing God's love is for me. For my children. Reminded of how PURE His love is. i cannot grasp it in my finite mind. a pure love. no ulterior motive. no perversion in it. unadulterated. not jaded. not a love that gives something in order to get something. PURE love. Pure. His love is so much purer than mine. Thank You, Jesus!
And in remembering, i realize that i truly want to embrace the gifts that He given me...
And through it all, in my imperfections, He loves me. and i am NEVER FORSAKEN!
i left off with Psalm 40:1-3 in the last post, and it seems a fitting place to start this one.
I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the LORD and put their trust in him.
This is the final post in the "official" part of The Story, but you must know that everything that takes place in my life is a part of it, so The Story never really ends, does it? God continues to write upon the fabric of my life. He continues His skillful weaving of the tapestry i call living.
The Wednesday morning i opened my heart to the healing that God wanted to bring was significant. See, Father God was continually reaching for me. But i had to choose to open up my heart and soul to receive the healing He so longed to give. i had to choose to receive the love He had for me. Knowing how suffocating the pit had become, i wanted freedom. i was willing to step out of the "comfort" of my pain, to walk in the freedom God wanted to give me.
Thursday came and went pretty much like the other days. i was still depressed, but could acknowledge that God was working. i have one very close friend that i had been missing. i was wondering how she was, and was thinking that she didn't need me anymore (pity party much? i just wanna go puke having to write that.). Well, it worked out that we talked on the phone that day and she was flying out Friday. She is the one who lives a couple hours away...Anyway, she ended up coming and spending the night (i live very close to the airport)! Do you see how much God cares about the seemingly simplest of things? He met me where i was, and brought one of my best friends to stay the night. We stayed up til 1:00am talking, and it was so good. She was excited at what God must have in store for me at Restore!
Enter Friday, February 26th, 2011.
My neighbor came with me to the conference at Faith Community Church in Hudson. Again, the conference was titled Restore, with Sara Groves and Susie Larson. i was going to get to meet my dear "internet" friends, Kristi and Carla! Excited is the best word i can use to describe how i was feeling! This conference, i knew, was where God was going to meet me. Too much had happened for Him to NOT meet me! I had said "God, You are going to speak to me at that conference. I expect to meet with You." the day i had signed up for it. And He did.
i walked in the doors of that church, and i was a mess. i looked great, but inside i was still aching and hurting. i had wanted to end my life, but didn't because i knew how selfish it was to do that. i walked in knowing i had been to the very edge of the cliff. i walked right past Carla without even realizing it! Kristi was right there holding a sign with my name on it! As soon as she saw me, she yelled out and pulled me into her loving embrace. OK, THAT WOMAN CAN HUG!! and i loved it. i teared up. She proceeded to introduce me excitedly to so many people the first 5 minutes that i felt like a superstar! It was surreal for me, how anticipated i was. Carla was right there too, as Kristi hugged me, letting me know that she had made the sign! i felt embraced, welcomed, anticipated, loved, wanted. And all this by people i had never met face-to-face before! Yep, pretty amazing. really.
We sat down, and Kristi had made a GORGEOUS sun-catcher/stained glass thing for me. It.was.amazing. She gave it to me and said "VICTORY!" i have it currently hanging in my kitchen window, above my sink, and i think that EVERY time i look at it.... "VICTORY!"
Sara Groves came on and played. Many tears were shed. Then, she came to a song that has been significant for me in past year or more, titled Like a Lake. She gave an intro to the song, and i knew right away that it was starting. God was challenging me to "lay my heart wide open..." Here are the lyrics...i wept through the entire song!
Like A Lake by Sara GROVES
so much hurt and preservation like a tendril round my soul so much painful information no clear way on how to hold it
when everything in me is tightening curling in around this ache I will lay my heart wide open like the surface of a lake wide open like a lake
standing at this waters edge looking in at God's own heart I've no idea where to begin to swallow up the way things are
everything in me is drawing in closing in around this pain I will lay my heart wide open like the surface of a lake wide open like a lake
bring the wind and bring the thunder bring the rain till I am tried when it's over bring me stillness let my face reflect the sky and all the grace and all the wonder of a peace that I can't fake wide open like a lake
everything in me is tightening curling in around this ache I am fighting to stay open I am fighting to stay open open open oh wide open open like a lake
The song says it all. i was longing for a "peace that i can't fake" as all i had known was faking it. i needed reality, and i started crying out for it.
The rest of the concert was beautiful, really beautiful. God was working on my heart through His Holy Spirit.
Saturday morning i had no idea what to expect. Susie Larson was immediately engaging and real. She was authentic, and i admired that. She spoke of the land of Promise...all the promises of God in Christ that we have and can claim. Now, remember, i had given about 95% of my thought life over to the enemy. This was powerful stuff i was hearing. She did 3 sessions, and i wish i could just type out everything she said, but i can't. She spoke the TRUTH. My heart was open and receiving it. She talked about her own struggles from her past, which were hard. i was relating on a number of levels, as i felt like i needed to perform to get people to like me, and if i couldn't perform, i must be worthless. She said how she had felt like a failure so many times...yep. All of the major things i struggled with, she said, almost verbatim: fear of what people think, fear in relationships, fear of failure. There were times where i wondered if anyone else was there, cuz this was so tailored for me! It was that personal.
Tears had been flowing off and on all day Saturday, but they were different. i could tell. They were cleansing, healing, releasing, tears. Susie talked about fear, and yes, she quoted 1 John 4:18. See how God was weaving it all together! i am going to list some of things she spoke about that ministered to me.
John 13:10 ~ Jesus's identity was NOT up for grabs. He knew who He was.
it is not what feels true, but what IS true (Truth based on facts, not feelings).
1 John 4:16-18
we say "i love You Lord" so often (which is wonderful). you can also say "YOU love me" in every moment! This point was HUGE for me. very difficult for me to wrap my head around, but it has changed my life.
We must be free of the FEAR OF MAN! (this was my BIGGY!)
My worth is not going to be defined by people (wowzers!). i am prized, loved, accepted, called to something bigger than myself, equipped (you cannot exhaust the supply of God), and sent.
Who you believe you are directly affects everything you do and how you live your life today.
"Satan wants you stuck in your labels. Jesus wants you free." (The Samaritan Woman of John 4)
"Marinate in the presence of the living God and streams of living water will spring up."
"He want to go to our most vile areas and make us FREE and WHOLE!"
"Jesus Christ is not interested in making us comfortable in our captivity. He wants us FREE."
You are everything to Him, and nothing without Him.
God wants to heal your wounds. (i don't know why this was so huge for me. it was like i had never believed that He really wanted me free.)
"Self-preservation must go if we want to be set free."
"Let yourself be known by Christ and others." This one statement has challenged me at the very core of my being, but as i have stepped out these last weeks, God has met me in BIG ways, as i am letting myself finally be known.
I will choose to live in response to God's love, and not in reaction to my fears.
we pass THROUGH the valley to be refined and made to be like Him.
Psalm 106:24-25 ~ We won't take hold of those promises if we don't think they are true for us.
Get some grit in your growl!! (loved that!)
Some people live such benign spiritual lives that satan doesn't even want to go after them." (This was very interesting to me. Satan leaves the "lukewarm believers" alone, as they pose no threat to him. When you are living & claiming the promises of God, you become a force to be reckoned with. God is at work!)
Go after the promises of God tenaciously. Psalm 103:1-5
"LIVE UP TO YOUR PRIVILEGE AS A CHILD OF GOD."
"He (God) is not bound by imperfection or unpreparedness, but bound by unbelief."
"He loves you for who you are, NOT for what you do."
"Hang on to the Promised Life by faith!"
there were many others that i have not written!!
It was important to have those points clear, because this next part is all about the Truth that was spoken at the conference, and the healing that God did in my mind, spirit, soul.
At the end of the conference, Susie said she had prayed for 3 very specific groups of women that she KNEW were there. The first group was women who had been called in to some kind of leadership, but they kept ignoring it. They all stood, and she started to pray. About half-way through her prayer for them, i got that warm and prickly feeling, and i knew the next group of women would be me. Susie finished praying, and then stated that the second group of women were those who came and they were just barely hangin' on. i went to my feet, with tears streaming down my cheeks. This was it. i knew it. No more running. No more hiding. No more pretending.
Susie asked the women who were sitting by those of us who were standing to reach out to us and touch us. Sweet Kristi grabbed one of my hands, and then the other. Now, i know i was crying, and i heard another person crying who was praying for me (was it you, sweet Kristi?) and it touched me. Susie started praying. When that woman prays, all of heaven must be with her, and i believe all of hell trembles! She prayed with authority, because she had been there before, and God had given her victory. i was just bawling. i completely broke. i felt like i was going to fall, and didn't let myself though! Then, it happened.
As she prayed, and Kristi held my hands, and i sobbed, i felt as though the top of my head was gently opened up, and all of the Truth of God's Word that had been spoken that day (the bullet-points up above) just washed over me; washed over my mind and poured down in to the deepest part of my being. i could feel that something had changed. Then it was like God gently closed my head again, and i felt a literal change in my brain. i can't explain it. but it was REAL. THERE WAS A TANGIBLE CHANGE! When she was done praying, i sat down (now, i don't even remember what she prayed, God was just working during that time) and tried to understand what had just happened. i felt different. i had a peace i had never known before. i felt calm (which was VERY strange to me). At the very end of the conference i just sat there for a bit talking with Carla, and then i went home.
Even my driving was different! i was a VERY aggeressive driver. God was showing me already just how much He has changed me.
The next day was Sunday. i was getting ready for church, brushing my teeth and i walked out of the bathroom. Suddenly i realized i had forgotten to take my medication. (i was on a very low dose of zoloft, as i had been wanting to get off of it for awhile. My husband and i had agreed that i would refill my prescription and take it into the summer, since i was not doing well.) So i turned around and went to the sink. reaching for the cupboard i heard the Lord say "No. You are done." i was like, huh? i said ok, and turned to leave the bathroom again. Then i turned around saying to myself i have to take my medicine. If i don't, the whole world will know by noon that i skipped a dose! As i reached for the cupboard again, i heard it clear as a bell "No. You are done. I have healed you." WHOA....(i am a slow learner, as you see it took TWICE before i could really understand!). i said "okay Lord. You have to do this then, as i can't do a thing without Your strength."
*******please read: i am NOT a medical professional, and going off your medication can cause serious side-affects. i had weaned myself to a very low dose (25 mg) of zoloft under my doctor's supervision. Please DO NOT take what i am writing as license to go off your medication. i cannot be held responsible for any actions you take. This is something very specific that happened to me, personally, and i would never advise anyone to just go off your medications. They are there to help balance the chemicals in your brain.**********
i waited 4 days before i told my husband, and he couldn't even tell. i had no symptoms from going off of my anti-depressant, which is another miracle. i can honestly say, one month later, that i have more peace than i have ever had before. When i was on medicine, i was numbed to some things, but i was still very chaotic in my mind. Never had REAL, LASTING peace or calm. Now, i am living in the "peace that passes all understanding" and it is ALL GLORY TO GOD!
Over the past weeks, i have had people come up to me at church and comment on how different i am. Some people that i don't even know very well. One woman looked me in the eyes and said "there is something so different about you. i can see it in your eyes. there is peace there. you are calm." That is just the testimony of one woman, but many others have commented.
A couple weeks after the conference, i was sharing The Story with a dear sister in our church library. we were both crying tears of gratefulness. i shared with her about the slimy pit i was in. Well, that morning, during communion, our Pastor read those very verses from Psalm 40.
God confirms His work with His Word!
This post was so long, but i had to conclude this main part of The Story. God is continuing to work and stretch, change and challenge, encourage and comfort me.
May His be all the Glory, Honor, and Power forevermore! Thanks for reading. And thank you to all who have prayed for me over the years and months. God heard, and answered. Thank you FCC in Hudson, for hosting this conference that changed my life.
please listen to this by Sara Groves. This is precisely what God has done in me, wrapped up in one song! It is worth the 4 minutes.
MAN! The Story takes awhile to type out, and i am even leaving out a ton of stuff! i will not be able to get to it again until Monday, but i SHALL continue, and wrap up this story of Redemption in the midst of Suffering!
Was listening to a Sara Groves cd yesterday, and this song just jumped out at me. Tears of gratefulness poured from my eyes as i realized that God's healing is so complete...He makes the pain and hurt seem less like scars, and more like character. Here are the lyrics:
