Some Days

There are some days when you have to sing this song to yourself often.

Hymnody

The Look by John Newton

In evil long I took delight,
Unawed by shame or fear,
Till a new object struck my sight,
And stopp’d my wild career.

I saw One hanging on a tree,
In agonies and blood,
Who fix’d His languid eyes on me,
As near His cross I stood.

Sure never till my latest breath
Can I forget that look;
It seem’d to charge me with His death, 
Though not a word He spoke.

My conscience felt and own’d the guilt,
And plunged me in despair;
I saw my sins His blood had spilt,
And help’d to nail Him there.

Alas! I knew not what I did;
But now my tears are vain;
Where shall my trembling soul be hid!
For I the Lord have slain.

A second look He gave, which said,
“I freely all forgive;
This blood is for thy ransom paid,
I die, that thou mayst live.”

Thus while His death my sin displays
In all its blackest hue
(Such is the mystery of grace),
It seals my pardon too.

With pleasing grief and mournful joy,
My spirit now is fill’d,
That I should such a life destroy,
Yet live by Him I killed.

This is a hymn we sang on Sunday, though we sang a modernized version. I would like to know the original way this was sung. It is just beautiful. More and more i am beginning to understand "pleasing grief" and "mournful joy".  By clicking HERE you can see the updated lyrics and purchase the song, or you can hear the full version that we sang below. 

we will understand....just not yet

This song brings me to my knees. the honesty. the beauty. the searching. the Truth. Farther along, we WILL know all about it. Am i willing, are you willing, to sit in the in between.

let the flood wash me of my doubts, fears, sins, burdens!

"His is the Kingdom, we're the guests... O Lord, Come soon!"



"Farther Along" - Josh Garrels from Josh Garrels on Vimeo.

Farther along we'll know all about itFarther along we'll understand whyCheer up my brothers, live in the sunshineWe'll understand this, all by and by

Tempted and tried, I wondered whyThe good man died, the bad man thrivesAnd Jesus cries because he loves em' bothWe're all cast-aways in need of ropesHangin' on by the last threads of our hopeIn a house of mirrors full of smokeConfusing illusions I've seen

Where did I go wrong, I sang alongTo every chorus of the songThat the devil wrote like a piper at the gatesLeading mice and men down to their fatesBut some will courageously escapeThe seductive voice with a heart of faithWhile walkin' that line back home

So much more to life than we've been toldIt's full of beauty that will unfoldAnd shine like you struck gold my wayward sonThat deadweight burden weighs a tonGo down into the river and let it runAnd wash away all the things you've doneForgiveness, alright

Chorus

Still I get hard pressed on every sideBetween the rock and a compromiseLike the truth and pack of lies fightin' for my soulAnd I've got no place left goCause I got changed by what I've been shownMore glory than the world has knownKeeps me ramblin' on

Skipping like a calf loosed from its stallI'm free to love once and for allAnd even when I fall I'll get back upFor the joy that overflows my cupHeaven filled me with more than enoughBroke down my levee and my bluffLet the flood wash me

And one day when the sky rolls back on usSome rejoice and the others fussCause every knee must bow and tongue confessThat the Son of God is forever blessedHis is the kingdom, we're the guestsSo put your voice up to the testSing Lord, come soon

Chorus(lyrics to Farther Along, emphasis mine)

Worlds Apart

For almost 20 years this has been a favorite song of mine (as well as the prayer of my heart). I absolutely love this version of it...
Listen. pray. release. rest in Christ.

The Source of True Delight

What is the source of true delight? Might i suggest that it is found in redemption?! 

Christ dying a brutal death.

for me.

for you

paying the price for me,

and you.

bearing the wrath of God

in my place, 

in your place.

Rising from the dead as proof of pardon completed

for me,

for you.

Ascending to heaven to prepare a place

for me, 

for you.

Redeemed. 

This, Thou Lovely Source of True Delight.

This was written by Anne Steele (1716-1778); this arrangement by K. Twit

Thou Lovely Source of True Delight

Thou lovely source of true delight
Whom I unseen adore
Unveil Thy beauties to my sight
That I might love Thee more,
Oh that I might love Thee more.

Thy glory o’er creation shines
But in Thy sacred Word
I read in fairer, brighter lines
My bleeding, dying Lord,
See my bleeding, dying Lord

’Tis here, whene’er my comforts droop
And sin and sorrow rise
Thy love with cheering beams of hope
My fainting heart supplies,
My fainting heart’s supplied

But ah! Too soon the pleasing scene
Is clouded o’er with pain
My gloomy fears rise dark between
And I again complain,
Oh and I again complain

Jesus, my Lord, my life, my light
Oh come with blissful ray
Break radiant through the shades of night
And chase my fears away,
Won’t You chase my fears away

Then shall my soul with rapture trace
The wonders of Thy love
But the full glories of Thy face
Are only known above,
They are only known above

©1998 Kevin Twit Music.

The Story...part 1

Suffice it to say that i had a very difficult past. i can understand most types of abuse people live through. I quickly learned that to get love i had to perform, and i learned that i could never perform enough to earn that love; the standard was always raised, and i failed repeatedly. i was a failure. My sense of worth was non-existent. i was convinced in my teen years that i was a mistake, and should not have been born. Lovely, i know.  i hated myself; hated life, and tried to end it. Went running to anyone who even showed an inkling of interest in me. I tried everything imaginable to deal with the pain...yep, all of it. Nothing worked, or lasted. In fact, it always just added to the pain, shame, and guilt i felt just for living. And for right now, that is enough about my distant past. It was hell on earth for me. i think we all understand. The point of my story is not how horrible my growing up was, but how REDEMPTIVE our great God is!

i need to explain that i don't capitalize the "i" when i type...it is just my style, so bear with me :o)

This story focuses in on the last few years or so, with a brief history.

At age 17, i made a commitment to Christ, after a long time in a treatment center (drug/alcohol abuse), in and out patient. A few friends in high school were instrumental in my conversion, as they kept inviting me to church, even after all the times i said no. I finally said yes.

 When i was in my 20's, i married an amazing, godly man. He is the picture of calm all most of the time. i, on the other hand, was NOT a picture of calm, and we struggled the first few years of marriage. With minimal family support, we were pretty much on our own. His family lives out of town. We were involved in a church, but even then, i don't think people understood just how difficult things had become for us in our marriage, behind closed doors.

Add kids. WOWZERS! If i thought i was doing well, or at least playing the part, having kids just blew my cover! Postpartum depression came down hard. I had struggled with depression from my teen years and on, but this was like nothing i had ever expected.

Enter Depression. Ah yes, the valley i camped out in for years! i mean YEARS! Yep, medication and therapy. i desperately wanted to be "whole" emotionally. i was told by people in the church that i needed more faith, that i must have sin, that i should pray a certain way for 5 minutes a day. i subjected myself to spiritual abuse at very strange prayer meetings, all for the sake of getting "healed" of my depression, and "delivered" from my past. Nothing worked. I entered a crisis of faith. "If God loved me, why....???" Eventually i made it out of that dark night of my soul (with so much loving care and prayer from my husband).

The enemy of my soul would have loved for me to stay there, BUT GOD had a story to write on my life.

I leave you today with lyrics from Sara Groves. The story continues tomorrow as we fast-forward to the last year or so...
Maybe There's A Loving God by
Sara Groves             I'm trying to work things out • I'm trying to comprehend • Am I the chance result • Of some great accident • I hear a rhythm call me • The echo of a grand design • I spend each night in the backyard • Staring up at the stars in the sky • • I have another meeting today • With my new counselor • My mom will cry and say • I don't know what to do with her • She's so unresponsive • I just cannot break through • She spends all night in the backyard • Staring up at the stars and the moon • • They have a chart and a graph • Of my despondency • They want to chart a path • For self-recovery • And want to know what I'm thinking • What motivates my mood • To spend all night in the backyard • Staring up at the stars and the moon • • Maybe this was made for me • For lying on my back in the middle of a field • Maybe that's a selfish thought • Or maybe there's a loving God • • Maybe I was made this way • To think and to reason and to question and to pray • And I have never prayed a lot • But maybe there's a loving God • • Maybe this was made for me • For lying on my back in the middle of a field • Maybe that's a selfish thought • Or maybe there's a loving God • • Maybe I was mad this way • To think and to reason and to question and to pray • And I have never prayed a lot • But maybe there's a loving God • • And that may be a foolish thought • Or maybe there is a God • And I have never prayed a lot • But maybe there's a loving God • •

When i first heard this song, years ago, it just resonated with me. i did this. i was drawn to the safety of the night sky as a teen, and would really wonder these things...