Keeping it Real: The Story, Part 2 (sorta)

After i posted Part 1 of my story, i was thinking maybe i shared too much about my past. Maybe i should have made it "prettier" so that i wouldn't sound like "i had it worse than you did" or something. Each of us has a journey, and pain is pain. The enemy was shouting in my ear..."loser"!!

Ya know what? If i were, or any of us for that matter, to package my pain with pretty paper and put a nice bow on it, God would not receive the glory for the complete transformation He did.

i was not innocent in my past either. You need to know that "hurt people, hurt people". And i did. i hurt people. i lashed out at my family. i am even quite sure i started a chunk of the fights myself...reaching for attention.

Simply put, i just wanted you to know that each of our lives is basically a beautiful mess. Life is messy. We get hurt, and we hurt others. If i hid my mess, or "cleaned it up" you would miss the amazing power that God showed.

Later today, the story continues...
There is HOPE! There are treasures to be found in the darkest night, sweet one.

The Story...part 1

Suffice it to say that i had a very difficult past. i can understand most types of abuse people live through. I quickly learned that to get love i had to perform, and i learned that i could never perform enough to earn that love; the standard was always raised, and i failed repeatedly. i was a failure. My sense of worth was non-existent. i was convinced in my teen years that i was a mistake, and should not have been born. Lovely, i know.  i hated myself; hated life, and tried to end it. Went running to anyone who even showed an inkling of interest in me. I tried everything imaginable to deal with the pain...yep, all of it. Nothing worked, or lasted. In fact, it always just added to the pain, shame, and guilt i felt just for living. And for right now, that is enough about my distant past. It was hell on earth for me. i think we all understand. The point of my story is not how horrible my growing up was, but how REDEMPTIVE our great God is!

i need to explain that i don't capitalize the "i" when i type...it is just my style, so bear with me :o)

This story focuses in on the last few years or so, with a brief history.

At age 17, i made a commitment to Christ, after a long time in a treatment center (drug/alcohol abuse), in and out patient. A few friends in high school were instrumental in my conversion, as they kept inviting me to church, even after all the times i said no. I finally said yes.

 When i was in my 20's, i married an amazing, godly man. He is the picture of calm all most of the time. i, on the other hand, was NOT a picture of calm, and we struggled the first few years of marriage. With minimal family support, we were pretty much on our own. His family lives out of town. We were involved in a church, but even then, i don't think people understood just how difficult things had become for us in our marriage, behind closed doors.

Add kids. WOWZERS! If i thought i was doing well, or at least playing the part, having kids just blew my cover! Postpartum depression came down hard. I had struggled with depression from my teen years and on, but this was like nothing i had ever expected.

Enter Depression. Ah yes, the valley i camped out in for years! i mean YEARS! Yep, medication and therapy. i desperately wanted to be "whole" emotionally. i was told by people in the church that i needed more faith, that i must have sin, that i should pray a certain way for 5 minutes a day. i subjected myself to spiritual abuse at very strange prayer meetings, all for the sake of getting "healed" of my depression, and "delivered" from my past. Nothing worked. I entered a crisis of faith. "If God loved me, why....???" Eventually i made it out of that dark night of my soul (with so much loving care and prayer from my husband).

The enemy of my soul would have loved for me to stay there, BUT GOD had a story to write on my life.

I leave you today with lyrics from Sara Groves. The story continues tomorrow as we fast-forward to the last year or so...
Maybe There's A Loving God by
Sara Groves             I'm trying to work things out • I'm trying to comprehend • Am I the chance result • Of some great accident • I hear a rhythm call me • The echo of a grand design • I spend each night in the backyard • Staring up at the stars in the sky • • I have another meeting today • With my new counselor • My mom will cry and say • I don't know what to do with her • She's so unresponsive • I just cannot break through • She spends all night in the backyard • Staring up at the stars and the moon • • They have a chart and a graph • Of my despondency • They want to chart a path • For self-recovery • And want to know what I'm thinking • What motivates my mood • To spend all night in the backyard • Staring up at the stars and the moon • • Maybe this was made for me • For lying on my back in the middle of a field • Maybe that's a selfish thought • Or maybe there's a loving God • • Maybe I was made this way • To think and to reason and to question and to pray • And I have never prayed a lot • But maybe there's a loving God • • Maybe this was made for me • For lying on my back in the middle of a field • Maybe that's a selfish thought • Or maybe there's a loving God • • Maybe I was mad this way • To think and to reason and to question and to pray • And I have never prayed a lot • But maybe there's a loving God • • And that may be a foolish thought • Or maybe there is a God • And I have never prayed a lot • But maybe there's a loving God • •

When i first heard this song, years ago, it just resonated with me. i did this. i was drawn to the safety of the night sky as a teen, and would really wonder these things...

telling the story...

Sunday morning i was out in the "milling around area" of our church before service began, when i walked up to a table, wondering if it was a class i had been interested in taking. Anyway, a sweet sister in Christ was looking at me...and said "something is so different about you."
me: "God has healed me!"
her: "I can just see it in your eyes. There is a calm and a peace there that i haven't seen there before."

Isn't God good! He heals, and makes it evident to others around us what He has done!

After that, i was blessed with the opportunity to share my story of healing with a dear friend in the library. she works in there, and i knew i had to tell her what God had done. The Lord kept that library quiet the ENTIRE time we talked (she works in it first hour), and she told me it is RARELY that quiet in there!  We both shed tears of joy for what God has done in my life.

Later that afternoon, i went to talk to a neighbor friend. We talked for a bit and both shared what God had been doing, and it was a beautiful hour of fellowship.

So, guess what? Later that night, i can seriously tell you i had some kick-back from the enemy of my soul. How did i withstand it? i took all of the promises of God and just lambasted that little devil! he no longer can possess the land of my mind, and i am feeling it! But God is more powerful than anything, and HE HAS OVERCOME!

i know, i allude to this "story" of mine...well, it isn't mine really. It is God's. God's story that He has written on my life.

Next post, i will begin to share of the goodness of our Great God in His amazing healing touch on my life!

Coming Undone

I imagine a woman getting ready for a party in the Victorian era. Tightening her corset...tighter and tighter, until she thinks she will faint. But at last! Her waist is thinner than that other woman's. Now for her posy...perfectly picked to have just the right fragrance and color. Because of course everyone will like her if she has a small waist and the prettiest posy attached...right?? 

Acceptance is defined, per dictionary.com

 ac·cept·ance [ak-sep-tuhns]  –noun

1. the act of taking or receiving something offered.

2. favorable reception; approval; favor.

3. the act of assenting or believing: acceptance of a theory.

4. the fact or state of being accepted or acceptable.

6. Commerce .

a. an engagement to pay an order, draft, or bill of exchange when it becomes due, as by the person on whom it is drawn.

b. an order, draft, etc., that a person or bank has accepted as calling for payment and has thus promised to pay.

I have worn the "corset" that our Victorian lady wears. Not literally, but figuratively. I believe that we all have. My corset looked something like performance. "If I (fill in the blank) perfectly, then you will accept me. Maybe not love me, but at least accept me." I found myself being "tightened" in my corset to the point of suffocation. It disguised who I really was, until I realized that I didn't know who I really was. Simply put, I became whoever you needed me to be at that moment.

That one word, "Acceptance", can bring up memories we would rather forget. It can also bring to our minds what lengths we go to in order to be accepted, or to be deemed "acceptable".

Over the past 2 months, God has faithfully caused everything I tried to do to be accepted and acceptable to fall completely flat! Everything I did to be loved or lovable fell apart. In the past, I have always been able to "recover" after a breakdown, or an emotional day. Last week, the unthinkable happened: i. couldn't. do. it.
I could not, for the life of me, save myself from the pit. I was, in fact, throwing more slime on myself, in the pit, believing every lie the enemy of my soul could dish out. This blog is my story of coming out of the pit, by God's hand, and at the GREAT NAME of Jesus Christ.

i. am. come. undone.

a beautiful mess.

God is putting me back together, piece by broken piece, with complete healing in His wings.

I thank you in advance for taking time to read my story of RECLAMATION. By His grace, I WILL POSSESS THE LAND!