Six Months

Six months ago today.

It was Friday.

and it was cold. 

Not as cold as it had been.

but still, cold. 

I was with my Dad.

reading Psalm 34 to him. 

I had no idea that he was actively dying.

He was clammy. 

I thought he was just hot and sweaty.

I prayed. 

and sang. 

Amazing Grace.

and Jesus Loves Me/You.

They came to shift him around.

i came back in and his lips were blue.

running. 

nurses. 

"He is going, honey." 

"He is gone."

God had His people there. 

The head nurse is His. 

She prayed for me, with me. 

"Are you a Christ-one" i mumble.

"Yes. Let's pray." 

It was precious. 

real. 

sincere.

She is a Christ-one. 

I was alone, 

but not alone. 

moved to a room. 

waiting. 

making phone calls. 

crying.

My sister arrived. 

My husband was there

as i went back to the room.

The room where he lay.

still. 

silent. 

no machines. 

no beeps.

no more nurses. 

That day is ingrained in my mind. 

every moment. 

Arrived home to loving friends. 

The Barton's. 

tumbled out of car, 

and finally fell apart.

completely. 

grief. 

oh, grief. 

Friend's stopping in all afternoon, 

and Pastors coming in the evening. 

Tears shed with me. 

love.

absolute love. 

in the midst of deepest grief and pain. 

Christ's hands and feet...every single one of them that came. 

My precious husband. 

Loving me. holding me. letting me weep.

The last 6 months have been some of the most difficult, if not THE most difficult months i have walked through. God is so faithful to carry me. to grow me. to comfort me. to heal me. My dad's passing has brought up so many things. difficult things. i am still surprised at how very much I miss him. I wish i could hear him talk again; see him smile; hear his laugh...even hear him yell. at least he would be here. 

But he is not here. 

He never will be again. 

His death brought about many changes. Familial changes that have been just as difficult to handle. Through it all, God is showing me that He alone is my heritage and my hope. My refuge and my Redeemer. My peace, and my comforter. He is my all in all. 

His Word has become so precious to me. My very life... I long to hide myself in His Word. To cling to the promises. To trust that they are true and that they are for me. My earthly dad is gone. i miss him. i had never gone this long without talking to him. it is so hard. 

But i lift my gaze to heaven, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. I fix my eyes upon Him, the Author and Finisher of my faith. My Jesus. My hope. My security. My God. My Father. My everything. 

Six life-changing months. sorrowful, yet finding moments of joy. hurting, yet finding hope. Biblical hope. REAL HOPE.