we will understand....just not yet

This song brings me to my knees. the honesty. the beauty. the searching. the Truth. Farther along, we WILL know all about it. Am i willing, are you willing, to sit in the in between.

let the flood wash me of my doubts, fears, sins, burdens!

"His is the Kingdom, we're the guests... O Lord, Come soon!"



"Farther Along" - Josh Garrels from Josh Garrels on Vimeo.

Farther along we'll know all about itFarther along we'll understand whyCheer up my brothers, live in the sunshineWe'll understand this, all by and by

Tempted and tried, I wondered whyThe good man died, the bad man thrivesAnd Jesus cries because he loves em' bothWe're all cast-aways in need of ropesHangin' on by the last threads of our hopeIn a house of mirrors full of smokeConfusing illusions I've seen

Where did I go wrong, I sang alongTo every chorus of the songThat the devil wrote like a piper at the gatesLeading mice and men down to their fatesBut some will courageously escapeThe seductive voice with a heart of faithWhile walkin' that line back home

So much more to life than we've been toldIt's full of beauty that will unfoldAnd shine like you struck gold my wayward sonThat deadweight burden weighs a tonGo down into the river and let it runAnd wash away all the things you've doneForgiveness, alright

Chorus

Still I get hard pressed on every sideBetween the rock and a compromiseLike the truth and pack of lies fightin' for my soulAnd I've got no place left goCause I got changed by what I've been shownMore glory than the world has knownKeeps me ramblin' on

Skipping like a calf loosed from its stallI'm free to love once and for allAnd even when I fall I'll get back upFor the joy that overflows my cupHeaven filled me with more than enoughBroke down my levee and my bluffLet the flood wash me

And one day when the sky rolls back on usSome rejoice and the others fussCause every knee must bow and tongue confessThat the Son of God is forever blessedHis is the kingdom, we're the guestsSo put your voice up to the testSing Lord, come soon

Chorus(lyrics to Farther Along, emphasis mine)

contrasts

It is striking.
really.

the contrasts of this journey.
the journey of faith.

In God's kingdom, it all seems upside-down.

beauty...from ashes.
light...from the dark places.
peace...in the midst of chaos.
poor in spirit...inheriting the Kingdom.
dying...that i might live.

learning as i go.
learning to lean in to the process.
His process.

learning to quiet my tongue more,
and pour out my heart to the One who made me.

learning to listen to His Word.
and let His Word satisfy my hungry soul.

I sought the Lord, and He answered me,

And delivered me from all my fears.

 

They looked to Him and were radiant,

And their faces will never be ashamed.

This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him

And saved him out of all his troubles.

 

The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him,

And rescues them.

O taste and see that the Lord is good;

How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him! 

Psalm 34:4-8

Journals

Despair.
Gloom.
Depression.
Rejection.
Oppression.
Abuse.
Guilt.
Shame.
Manipulation.
Emotionally Driven.
Anger.
Death.

All of those words describe my many journals from the past. This weekend i was going through a box. A box of memories. Some not so pleasant. I found a letter. A letter that forever changed me, and not for the better. A letter that reminded me that i didn't make up things in my past. A letter that showed me how lost i was, and how abandoned i was in the hours i needed protection the most. A letter that put into high-gear the rebellion that was silently, stealthily, growing. A letter. Words. Words that killed the spirit of a 14 year old girl.

Then,

I found journals from when i was in my early 20's. Cries of desperation to God, praises for apparent change (due to my own efforts), and then a deeper plunge into the dark pit. Oh, how my heart broke for this woman. This woman who thought for so long that the cross of Christ wasn't enough. For this woman who thought that she had to earn love and acceptance from God, and that every sin she committed caused her to lose her salvation. Then, if she repented enough and cried out enough, she would be saved....again.
O, my heart broke. broke for the lies that she had believed, for the truth she was not told, for the "works" she performed in hopes of being free, for the times she went to "prayer sessions" to be free, for the fear she lived in every minute of every day. This woman was bound in sin and by the fear of man.

As i read, i couldn't help contrast how different things are today. Today. O glorious today. 

Today. Today i am growing. Today i am learning to lean in to Christ as the All Sufficient One. I have learned to let go of the fear of man (it is still a battle some days, but it no longer controls me). Today i am being challenged to grow in the Word, to rest in the gospel, to put on the armor of God.  Through intense Biblical Discipleship and the tender care of our Pastor, God has transformed my life (and He continues to).

I look back on my journals, and wish that someone would have taught me these truths long ago. I cannot go back in time. I can only move forward, with my eyes fixed on Christ. I now see that i can do NOTHING to add to what Christ has done at Calvary for me, a wretched sinner. I now see that i am loved by God more that i ever deserve, because of what Christ has done. I now see that my salvation is SECURE! I am safe in Christ! No one can snatch me out of His amazing, nail-scarred hands. No one. For those scars were for me, for my sin, so that i could be reconciled to God and have eternity with Him to sing His glorious praise!

Mysterious Ways

This hymn is by William Cowper.
It is amazing.
Read it slowly.
It means so much right now.

God Moves In A Mysterious Way

God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea,
And rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never-failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs,
And works His sovereign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take,
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy, and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.

Blind unbelief is sure to err,
And scan his work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
And He will make it plain. 

~William Cowper

Calling Out

This is about all i can say today...

Jesus, Draw me ever nearer
As I labor through the storm
You have called me to this passage
And I'll follow, though I'm worn

May this journey bring a blessing
May I rise on wings of faith
And at the end of my hearts testing
With Your likeness let me wake

Jesus, guide me through the tempest
Keep my spirit stayed and sure
When the midnight meets the morning
Let me love You even more

May this journey bring a blessing
May I rise on wings of faith
And at the end of my hearts testing
With Your likeness let me wake


Let the treasures of the trial
Form within me as I go
And at the end of this long passage
Let me leave them at your throne

May this journey bring a blessing
May I rise on wings of faith
And at the end of my hearts testing
With Your likeness let me wake

by Keith & Kirsten Getty

Hot! Hot! HOT!

We really like habanero peppers. Well, actually, we like to torture ourselves with hot foods. That being said, i grew habaneros again this year. they are one of the hottest in the chili pepper family. 

Yesterday i was slicing my peppers in half so that i could dry them in the oven. Like a good hot-pepper-cutter, i wore gloves. You know? the yellow kitchen gloves that are good for everything? 

The peppers were all halved and put on the parchment paper lined cookie sheet. Popped them in the oven, washed off the gloves, took them off, and went on with my day. 

Awhile later, my son was talking to me. I rubbed my eye with my finger, and BAM!!! Burn, baby, burn!!! My eye was on FIRE! The capsaicin from the blasted habanero went THROUGH my glove!!!!!!!! 

After a few minutes of furiously blinking, the pain started to subside. Poor Jey was standing at the sink with me saying, "I sure hope you feel better mom..." over and over. 

i don't even want to think of what would have happened if i hadn't had gloves on! 

The happy ending: the peppers are all dried now and ready for use at a later date!! 

Grief Observed

It has been over 8 months since my Dad passed away.

I don't talk about him much, though he is most always in my thoughts.

I still get teary-eyed from time to time. I re-live the day of his death often, since i was there with him when he passed.

When my Dad died, everything changed. Everything.

I ended up in some pretty intensive Biblical Discipleship, due to some major upheaval, where i have homework to do: books to read, verses that i pick to memorize, questions to answer, articles to read and pull thoughts out of. It is so good, and so hard all at the same time.

I have seen my sin, as i was immersed in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I saw my bondage to the fear of man, and had to work through some really tough things. But God... God is so FAITHFUL. and gentle. and loving. I even discovered that He doesn't just love me because He has to, but that He likes me as well!

I recently was given God's Healing for Life's Losses: How to Find Hope When You're Hurting by Robert Kellemen. Starting this book has been excellent for me. As i started it, this struck me:

Here's my promise to you. I'm not giving you pabulum. No trite platitudes. No false promises. No pretending. We'll remain real and raw like the Puritans who labeled suffering "losses and crosses." pg. 3

then,

When tragedy occurs, we enter a crisis of faith. We either move toward God or away from God. We'll probe how to move in the direction of finding God in the midst of our suffering

The end in sight is not quick answers through easy steps. Our goal is deep healing through a personal journey--With God, in Christ. He never lets you walk alone.  pg. 7

If you are like me and didn't know what pabulum was, here is the definition:  bland or insipid intellectual fare, entertainment, etc.

Oh, how thankful i am already for this book... to be real and raw. While i am reading it, sometimes it seems like i just lost my Dad a week ago. Yet, here i am. 8+ months out. I am realizing i need to talk about my Dad more, not just keep it all in my head. and i must let the tears roll down my cheeks, still.

With the intense discipling has come some real growth. In the beginning i was so tired of hearing Romans 8:28. You know, the one we pull out when we don't know what to say, instead of sometimes sitting quietly with the person and weeping with them...It is true, yes. God's Word is true and powerful and living. It is a beautiful verse, yet in the context of great loss, it can sound hollow. BUT... when someone pointed out to me that verse 29 follows verse 28, well, it meant more to me:

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son... Romans 8:28-29a

 Think of it... ALL things work for good, BECAUSE He is conforming us to the image of His Son! It is quite a bit to wrap our minds around, and reading Romans 8 in its entirety significantly helps. How encouraging! Even the darkest of nights in my life, He is using it to make me more like Christ. In my suffering, i can identify (albeit not to the extent of Christ's) with Christ in HIS suffering.

I am looking forward to finishing the book on grief. I believe it will continue to solidify the healing that has already begun, and it has already given me "permission" to be real and raw with my pain. If you find yourself suffering for any reason, i believe that Kelleman's book could be a real resource to bring hope (aside from THE Ultimate Source ~ Christ Jesus).

God is taking the ashes of my life and creating something far more beautiful than i could have ever imagined. I would not have chosen this path for myself. Who would? Yet, i am finally seeing how beauty can truly come from the ashes, all for His glory, and His fame.