Grief Observed

It has been over 8 months since my Dad passed away.

I don't talk about him much, though he is most always in my thoughts.

I still get teary-eyed from time to time. I re-live the day of his death often, since i was there with him when he passed.

When my Dad died, everything changed. Everything.

I ended up in some pretty intensive Biblical Discipleship, due to some major upheaval, where i have homework to do: books to read, verses that i pick to memorize, questions to answer, articles to read and pull thoughts out of. It is so good, and so hard all at the same time.

I have seen my sin, as i was immersed in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I saw my bondage to the fear of man, and had to work through some really tough things. But God... God is so FAITHFUL. and gentle. and loving. I even discovered that He doesn't just love me because He has to, but that He likes me as well!

I recently was given God's Healing for Life's Losses: How to Find Hope When You're Hurting by Robert Kellemen. Starting this book has been excellent for me. As i started it, this struck me:

Here's my promise to you. I'm not giving you pabulum. No trite platitudes. No false promises. No pretending. We'll remain real and raw like the Puritans who labeled suffering "losses and crosses." pg. 3

then,

When tragedy occurs, we enter a crisis of faith. We either move toward God or away from God. We'll probe how to move in the direction of finding God in the midst of our suffering

The end in sight is not quick answers through easy steps. Our goal is deep healing through a personal journey--With God, in Christ. He never lets you walk alone.  pg. 7

If you are like me and didn't know what pabulum was, here is the definition:  bland or insipid intellectual fare, entertainment, etc.

Oh, how thankful i am already for this book... to be real and raw. While i am reading it, sometimes it seems like i just lost my Dad a week ago. Yet, here i am. 8+ months out. I am realizing i need to talk about my Dad more, not just keep it all in my head. and i must let the tears roll down my cheeks, still.

With the intense discipling has come some real growth. In the beginning i was so tired of hearing Romans 8:28. You know, the one we pull out when we don't know what to say, instead of sometimes sitting quietly with the person and weeping with them...It is true, yes. God's Word is true and powerful and living. It is a beautiful verse, yet in the context of great loss, it can sound hollow. BUT... when someone pointed out to me that verse 29 follows verse 28, well, it meant more to me:

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son... Romans 8:28-29a

 Think of it... ALL things work for good, BECAUSE He is conforming us to the image of His Son! It is quite a bit to wrap our minds around, and reading Romans 8 in its entirety significantly helps. How encouraging! Even the darkest of nights in my life, He is using it to make me more like Christ. In my suffering, i can identify (albeit not to the extent of Christ's) with Christ in HIS suffering.

I am looking forward to finishing the book on grief. I believe it will continue to solidify the healing that has already begun, and it has already given me "permission" to be real and raw with my pain. If you find yourself suffering for any reason, i believe that Kelleman's book could be a real resource to bring hope (aside from THE Ultimate Source ~ Christ Jesus).

God is taking the ashes of my life and creating something far more beautiful than i could have ever imagined. I would not have chosen this path for myself. Who would? Yet, i am finally seeing how beauty can truly come from the ashes, all for His glory, and His fame.