The Story...The Healing Hand of God !!

i left off with Psalm 40:1-3 in the last post, and it seems a fitting place to start this one.

 I waited patiently for the LORD;
   he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
   out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
   and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
   a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the LORD
   and put their trust in him.

This is the final post in the "official" part of The Story, but you must know that everything that takes place in my life is a part of it, so The Story never really ends, does it? God continues to write upon the fabric of my life. He continues His skillful weaving of the tapestry i call living.

The Wednesday morning i opened my heart to the healing that God wanted to bring was significant. See, Father God was continually reaching for me. But i had to choose to open up my heart and soul to receive the healing He so longed to give. i had to choose to receive the love He had for me. Knowing how suffocating the pit had become, i wanted freedom. i was willing to step out of the "comfort" of my pain, to walk in the freedom God wanted to give me.

Thursday came and went pretty much like the other days. i was still depressed, but could acknowledge that God was working. i have one very close friend that i had been missing. i was wondering how she was, and was thinking that she didn't need me anymore (pity party much? i just wanna go puke having to write that.). Well, it worked out that we talked on the phone that day and she was flying out Friday. She is the one who lives a couple hours away...Anyway, she ended up coming and spending the night (i live very close to the airport)! Do you see how much God cares about the seemingly simplest of things? He met me where i was, and brought one of my best friends to stay the night. We stayed up til 1:00am talking, and it was so good. She was excited at what God must have in store for me at Restore!

Enter Friday, February 26th, 2011.

My neighbor came with me to the conference at Faith Community Church in Hudson. Again, the conference was titled Restore, with Sara Groves and Susie Larson. i was going to get to meet my dear "internet" friends, Kristi and Carla! Excited is the best word i can use to describe how i was feeling! This conference, i knew, was where God was going to meet me. Too much had happened for Him to NOT meet me! I had said "God, You are going to speak to me at that conference. I expect to meet with You." the day i had signed up for it. And He did.

i walked in the doors of that church, and i was a mess. i looked great, but inside i was still aching and hurting. i had wanted to end my life, but didn't because i knew how selfish it was to do that. i walked in knowing i had been to the very edge of the cliff. i walked right past Carla without even realizing it! Kristi was right there holding a sign with my name on it! As soon as she saw me, she yelled out and pulled me into her loving embrace. OK, THAT WOMAN CAN HUG!! and i loved it. i teared up. She proceeded to introduce me excitedly to so many people the first 5 minutes that i felt like a superstar! It was surreal for me, how anticipated i was. Carla was right there too, as Kristi hugged me, letting me know that she had made the sign! i felt embraced, welcomed, anticipated, loved, wanted. And all this by people i had never met face-to-face before! Yep, pretty amazing. really.

We sat down, and Kristi had made a GORGEOUS sun-catcher/stained glass thing for me. It.was.amazing. She gave it to me and said "VICTORY!" i have it currently hanging in my kitchen window, above my sink, and i think that EVERY time i look at it.... "VICTORY!"

Sara Groves came on and played. Many tears were shed. Then, she came to a song that has been significant for me in past year or more, titled Like a Lake. She gave an intro to the song, and i knew right away that it was starting. God was challenging me to "lay my heart wide open..." Here are the lyrics...i wept through the entire song!

Like A Lake by Sara GROVES

so much hurt and preservation
like a tendril round my soul
so much painful information
no clear way on how to hold it

when everything in me is tightening
curling in around this ache
I will lay my heart wide open
like the surface of a lake
wide open like a lake

standing at this waters edge
looking in at God's own heart
I've no idea where to begin
to swallow up the way things are

everything in me is drawing in
closing in around this pain
I will lay my heart wide open
like the surface of a lake
wide open like a lake

bring the wind and bring the thunder
bring the rain till I am tried
when it's over bring me stillness
let my face reflect the sky
and all the grace and all the wonder
of a peace that I can't fake
wide open like a lake

everything in me is tightening
curling in around this ache
I am fighting to stay open
I am fighting to stay open
open open oh wide open
open like a lake



The song says it all. i was longing for a "peace that i can't fake" as all i had known was faking it. i needed reality, and i started crying out for it.

The rest of the concert was beautiful, really beautiful. God was working on my heart through His Holy Spirit.

Saturday morning i had no idea what to expect. Susie Larson was immediately engaging and real. She was authentic, and i admired that. She spoke of the land of Promise...all the promises of God in Christ that we have and can claim. Now, remember, i had given about 95% of my thought life over to the enemy. This was powerful stuff i was hearing. She did 3 sessions, and i wish i could just type out everything she said, but i can't. She spoke the TRUTH. My heart was open and receiving it. She talked about her own struggles from her past, which were hard. i was relating on a number of levels, as i felt like i needed to perform to get people to like me, and if i couldn't perform, i must be worthless. She said how she had felt like a failure so many times...yep. All of the major things i struggled with, she said, almost verbatim: fear of what people think, fear in relationships, fear of failure. There were times where i wondered if anyone else was there, cuz this was so tailored for me! It was that personal.

 Tears had been flowing off and on all day Saturday, but they were different. i could tell. They were cleansing, healing, releasing, tears. Susie talked about fear, and yes, she quoted 1 John 4:18. See how God was weaving it all together! i am going to list some of things she spoke about that ministered to me.

• John 13:10 ~ Jesus's identity was NOT up for grabs. He knew who He was.

• it is not what feels true, but what IS true (Truth based on facts, not feelings).
• 1 John 4:16-18
• we say "i love You Lord" so often (which is wonderful). you can also say "YOU love me" in every moment! This point was HUGE for me. very difficult for me to wrap my head around, but it has changed my life.
• We must be free of the FEAR OF MAN!  (this was my BIGGY!)
• My worth is not going to be defined by people (wowzers!). i am prized, loved, accepted, called to something bigger than myself, equipped (you cannot exhaust the supply of God), and sent.
• Who you believe you are directly affects everything you do and how you live your life today.
• "Satan wants you stuck in your labels. Jesus wants you free."  (The Samaritan Woman of John 4)
• "Marinate in the presence of the living God and streams of living water will spring up."
• "He want to go to our most vile areas and make us FREE and WHOLE!"
• "Jesus Christ is not interested in making us comfortable in our captivity. He wants us FREE."
• You are everything to Him, and nothing without Him.
• God wants to heal your wounds. (i don't know why this was so huge for me. it was like i had never believed that He really wanted me free.)
• "Self-preservation must go if we want to be set free."
• "Let yourself be known by Christ and others." This one statement has challenged me at the very core of my being, but as i have stepped out these last weeks, God has met me in BIG ways, as i am letting myself finally be known.
• I will choose to live in response to God's love, and not in reaction to my fears.
• we pass THROUGH the valley to be refined and made to be like Him.
• Psalm 106:24-25 ~ We won't take hold of those promises if we don't think they are true for us.
• Get some grit in your growl!! (loved that!)
• Some people live such benign spiritual lives that satan doesn't even want to go after them." (This was very interesting to me. Satan leaves the "lukewarm believers" alone, as they pose no threat to him. When you are living & claiming the promises of God, you become a force to be reckoned with. God is at work!)
• Go after the promises of God tenaciously. Psalm 103:1-5
• "LIVE UP TO YOUR PRIVILEGE AS A CHILD OF GOD."
• "He (God) is not bound by imperfection or unpreparedness, but bound by unbelief."
• "He loves you for who you are, NOT for what you do."
• "Hang on to the Promised Life by faith!"
• there were many others that i have not written!!

It was important to have those points clear, because this next part is all about the Truth that was spoken at the conference, and the healing that God did in my mind, spirit, soul.

At the end of the conference, Susie said she had prayed for 3 very specific groups of women that she KNEW were there. The first group was women who had been called in to some kind of leadership, but they kept ignoring it. They all stood, and she started to pray. About half-way through her prayer for them, i got that warm and prickly feeling, and i knew the next group of women would be me. Susie finished praying, and then stated that the second group of women were those who came and they were just barely hangin' on. i went to my feet, with tears streaming down my cheeks. This was it. i knew it. No more running. No more hiding. No more pretending.

Susie asked the women who were sitting by those of us who were standing to reach out to us and touch us. Sweet Kristi grabbed one of my hands, and then the other. Now, i know i was crying, and i heard another person crying who was praying for me (was it you, sweet Kristi?) and it touched me. Susie started praying. When that woman prays, all of heaven must be with her, and i believe all of hell trembles! She prayed with authority, because she had been there before, and God had given her victory. i was just bawling. i completely broke. i felt like i was going to fall, and didn't let myself though! Then, it happened.

As she prayed, and Kristi held my hands, and i sobbed, i felt as though the top of my head was gently opened up, and all of the Truth of God's Word that had been spoken that day (the bullet-points up above) just washed over me; washed over my mind and poured down in to the deepest part of my being. i could feel that something had changed. Then it was like God gently closed my head again, and i felt a literal change in my brain. i can't explain it. but it was REAL. THERE WAS A TANGIBLE CHANGE! When she was done praying, i sat down (now, i don't even remember what she prayed, God was just working during that time) and tried to understand what had just happened. i felt different. i had a peace i had never known before. i felt calm (which was VERY strange to me). At the very end of the conference i just sat there for a bit talking with Carla, and then i went home.

Even my driving was different! i was a VERY aggeressive driver. God was showing me already just how much He has changed me.

The next day was Sunday. i was getting ready for church, brushing my teeth and i walked out of the bathroom. Suddenly i realized i had forgotten to take my medication. (i was on a very low dose of zoloft, as i had been wanting to get off of it for awhile. My husband and i had agreed that i would refill my prescription and take it into the summer, since i was not doing well.) So i turned around and went to the sink. reaching for the cupboard i heard the Lord say "No. You are done." i was like, huh?  i said ok, and turned to leave the bathroom again. Then i turned around saying to myself i have to take my medicine. If i don't, the whole world will know by noon that i skipped a dose! As i reached for the cupboard again, i heard it clear as a bell "No. You are done. I have healed you." WHOA....(i am a slow learner, as you see it took TWICE before i could really understand!). i said "okay Lord. You have to do this then, as i can't do a thing without Your strength."

*******please read: i am NOT a medical professional, and going off your medication can cause serious side-affects. i had weaned myself to a very low dose (25 mg) of zoloft under my doctor's supervision. Please DO NOT take what i am writing as license to go off your medication. i cannot be held responsible for any actions you take. This is something very specific that happened to me, personally, and i would never advise anyone to just go off your medications. They are there to help balance the chemicals in your brain.**********

i waited 4 days before i told my husband, and he couldn't even tell. i had no symptoms from going off of my anti-depressant, which is another miracle. i can honestly say, one month later, that i have more peace than i have ever had before. When i was on medicine, i was numbed to some things, but i was still very chaotic in my mind. Never had REAL, LASTING peace or calm. Now, i am living in the "peace that passes all understanding" and it is ALL GLORY TO GOD!

Over the past weeks, i have had people come up to me at church and comment on how different i am. Some people that i don't even know very well. One woman looked me in the eyes and said "there is something so different about you. i can see it in your eyes. there is peace there. you are calm." That is just the testimony of one woman, but many others have commented.

A couple weeks after the conference, i was sharing The Story with a dear sister in our church library. we were both crying tears of gratefulness. i shared with her about the slimy pit i was in. Well, that morning, during communion, our Pastor read those very verses from Psalm 40.

God confirms His work with His Word!

This post was so long, but i had to conclude this main part of The Story. God is continuing to work and stretch, change and challenge, encourage and comfort me.

May His be all the Glory, Honor, and Power forevermore!
Thanks for reading. And thank you to all who have prayed for me over the years and months. God heard, and answered.  Thank you FCC in Hudson, for hosting this conference that changed my life.

please listen to this by Sara Groves. This is precisely what God has done in me, wrapped up in one song! It is worth the 4 minutes.