Sometimes...

in my last post i talked about standing strong. can i just say that sometimes it is HARD to Stand Strong?

Things happen. Life goes on. Things are said. And yet, we are to Stand Strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. How are we to react/respond when tempted to give-up? We are to press on. Let His joy be our strength, as in the book of Nehemiah "The joy of the Lord is your strength".  What about when we fall, and we haven't stood strong? We can confess our sins, and He who has called us is faithful and just to forgive us of our sins.  What aobut when we are faced with slanderers/deceivers? There is anger that rises up within us when slander happens. And yet, we are to forebear. Confront if we can with love and boldness, but if we can't...forebear, knowing that Christ is the Defender of our Soul. He is the Just Judge.

For me, i know that i need to be walking in the fruit of the Spirit..love, joy, PEACE, patience, gentleness, goodness, self-control, in the power of HIS might. It is in my weakness that His strength is perfected.

Self Control. Standing Strong, by NOT giving in to what we would REALLY like to do, or say. Standing Strong by confessing when we have fallen, and receiving the forgiveness that was already purchased for us at the cross. Standing Strong when words are said against us that are untrue.

OIY. Lord, right now i need Your strength to make me be able to Stand Strong. You alone are my Refuge. My Defender. My Shield. Blessed be Your awesome name.
~Amen.

Hopefully this made some sense... :)

for all of us...

this thought came to me last night as i was praying for my children, and i am now praying it for all of us, as Christ-ones.

   Hold Fast. Stand Strong. Stay True.

May we all Hold Fast to the Word of God. May it be our guide, and may we know it so well, that we can recognize the counterfeit.

Your word is a lamp to my feet
 And a light to my path.  Psalm 119:105

May we all Stand Strong in the days of adversity. When we are going through tough times. When we want to live by our feelings. When everything seems to be going wrong. May we be strengthened in the inner man, in Christ Jesus. May we have our feet firmly planted on the Rock of Christ.

 ¹⁶ that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory,
to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man,
¹⁷ that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; Ephesians 3:16-17a

May we all Stay True to the call of God on our lives. May we not fall prey to false doctrines, or half-truths that are making their way in to some of the churches today. May we be like Stephen, and Stay True no matter what the cost.

When they heard these things they were cut to the heart,
and they gnashed at him with their teeth. 
But he, being full of the Holy Spirit,
gazed into heaven and saw the glory of God,
 and Jesus standing at the right hand of God, 
and said, “Look! I see the heavens opened
 and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God!”
  Then they cried out with a loud voice, stopped their ears,
and ran at him with one accord;
 and they cast him out of the city and stoned him.
And the witnesses laid down their clothes
 at the feet of a young man named Saul. 
And they stoned Stephen as he was calling on God and saying,
 “Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.”
Then he knelt down and cried out with a loud voice,
 “Lord, do not charge them with this sin.”
And when he had said this, he fell asleep.  Acts 7:54-60

I pray you were encouraged as you read that :)

Acceptance

As i stated earlier, i am reading Hinds' Feet once again. This book is to me what Pilgrim's Progress is to others. i LOVE Pilgrim's Progress as well, but Hinds' Feet has spoken deeply to me.

The chapter that jumped out to me this time so far is where she has to go through the Desert of Despair. It seems to contradict everything the Shepherd has told her about going to the High Places. She actually has to turn away from the High Places, where she desperately longs to go. The Shepherd lovingly goes WITH her and shows her many things in a dark pyramid. There is the threshing floor on the first floor. Then they travel up stairs to the second floor, which has a Potter at a spinning wheel. Finally they go to the third floor, where there is a fiery furnace. Rocks go in, and beautiful gems come out. Each of those had a beautiful lesson...but that is not what struck me so much.

It was what happened after.

Much-Afraid was walking around the tent area in the evening, when she happened upon a pipe that carried water. At the water-spicket, there was just a little drop coming out every so often. She looked down, and there was a single, beautiful, golden flower catching each drop. It was the only one she had seen. Much-Afraid stoops down and questions the flower, asking it's name.

It's reply?  "I am Acceptance-with-Joy."

Hmm. Okay, Lord. Be it unto me, according to Your will. May i be Your servant, Acceptance-with-Joy.

Things happen. Life is lived in this world that seems to be spiraling out of control. We are all dealt tough blows. We can Accept them with JOY, as the best means for our growth from our Loving, ALL-Sovereign God, or we can fight against them, and HIM, and walk this world tired and weary.

Behold, Your servant, Acceptance-with-Joy.

Much-Afraid

i am re-reading Hinds' Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard. what an excellent book. it is an allegory about a crippled, disfigured girl who decides to go on a journey to the High Places with the Chief Shepherd. He chooses two companions to go with her up the mountains, and they are Sorrow and Suffering. Interesting choices, methinks. Yet, they were chosen with utmost wisdom and perfect love. i was drawn in again by the attempts of her family, the Fearlings, to keep her from being with the Shepherd, and by their plot to get her to marry her cousin, Craven Fear.

At one point in the first chapter, she is singing a beautiful song that just touched my heart last night. Here it is for your reading pleasure...

"The Song of Songs," the loveliest song, 

The song of Love the King, 

No joy on earth compares with his,

But seems a broken thing.

His Name as ointment is poured forth,

And all his lovers sing.

Draw me-I will run after thee,

Thou art my heart's one choice,

Oh, bring me to thy royal house,

To dwell there and rejoice.

There in thy presence, O my King,

To feast and hear thy voice.

Look not upon me with contempt,

Though soiled and marred I be,

The King found me-an outcast thing-

And set his love on me.

I shall be perfected by Love,

Made fair as day to see

                                  (Cant. 1:1-6)Excerpt from Hinds' Feet...Chapter One

Mine vs. Yours

Today i was reminded of an important lesson: Don't take on anothers' baggage. It isn't mine.

Things have been a bit topsy-turvey lately, and i found myself taking on responsibility for others' actions, that i should never take resposibility for, or trying to "fix" situations that are far beyond my control.  We are each responsible for ourselves.

i was struggling with carrying a very heavy burden, when i was gently reminded that i am to take on Christ's yoke, and learn from Him. Matthew 11:28-30 says

"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

Hmmm. i had to really pray this over myself today. i realized today how i had taken up someone elses "baggage" and that it was weighing me down. That is not my Lord's heart for me. His yoke is easy and light, because as i take it up, i am walking in His will. The yoke i was choosing to take upon me was heavy and impossible, because it was someone elses junk.

Today, i am now reminding myself to rest under His light and easy yoke, and to cast all my anxieties and burdens on Him, because He cares for me. He is the Blessed Controller of every circumstance, and it is not my place to "fix" things that are not mine.

thanks for listening to me today!

silence

Forgive me for the silence lately. We have dealt with the passing of my Step-dad last Saturday. Funeral is tomorrow, so i should be back at it sometime next week.

Again, sorry for the silence, but there has been NO time to do this. Be back soon.

Know that even through this all, God is working and moving!

Today

Today...
i will choose to trust in You Lord, though i don't always understand Your ways.
i will be thankful for the restoration that You have brought in important relationships in my life.
i will praise You that someone we love has found their home with You in heaven.
i will lean on Your everlasting arms for comfort, strength, and support.
i will choose to trust in You Lord.


Today, my step-father went to be with Jesus. To be in the room when someone dies is an experience one can NEVER forget. He is now resting in the everlasting Presence of Jesus Christ.

One Slow Learner :o)

The other night i was struggling with some hard news, and went to my laundry room to have some "cleaning therapy". i swept out dust from what i can only imagine were dust bunny refuges! Anyway, when i finished i went to my kitchen and thought maybe i should take a xanax. That is a fast-acting, short-lasting anit-anxiety medicine. The only medication i held on to after all was said and done.

i was about to get the bottle when i heard that still, small Voice say, "read the Bible, John 15." i was like, what? Why should i read about vines and branches! That is not what i need right now! Again i heard "John 15." So, i grabbed my Bible and started reading in John 4. i know, right? Nothin' struck me in John 4, so i went to John 15 (should have done that the first time!).

¹ “I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. ² Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit He takes away;^[a] and every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit. ³ You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you. ⁴ Abide in Me,..."

THERE it was! "Abide in Me." i got no further. THAT was exactly what i needed to hear. My head hit my Bible and i stayed like that for a good 15 minutes, praying for strength to Abide. Praying for His amazing peace. And you know what? The end result was so much comfort and peace! Better than a xanax anyday!

I may be a slow learner at times, but our God is so faithfully patient with me!

The Story...The Healing Hand of God !!

i left off with Psalm 40:1-3 in the last post, and it seems a fitting place to start this one.

 I waited patiently for the LORD;
   he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
   out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
   and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
   a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the LORD
   and put their trust in him.

This is the final post in the "official" part of The Story, but you must know that everything that takes place in my life is a part of it, so The Story never really ends, does it? God continues to write upon the fabric of my life. He continues His skillful weaving of the tapestry i call living.

The Wednesday morning i opened my heart to the healing that God wanted to bring was significant. See, Father God was continually reaching for me. But i had to choose to open up my heart and soul to receive the healing He so longed to give. i had to choose to receive the love He had for me. Knowing how suffocating the pit had become, i wanted freedom. i was willing to step out of the "comfort" of my pain, to walk in the freedom God wanted to give me.

Thursday came and went pretty much like the other days. i was still depressed, but could acknowledge that God was working. i have one very close friend that i had been missing. i was wondering how she was, and was thinking that she didn't need me anymore (pity party much? i just wanna go puke having to write that.). Well, it worked out that we talked on the phone that day and she was flying out Friday. She is the one who lives a couple hours away...Anyway, she ended up coming and spending the night (i live very close to the airport)! Do you see how much God cares about the seemingly simplest of things? He met me where i was, and brought one of my best friends to stay the night. We stayed up til 1:00am talking, and it was so good. She was excited at what God must have in store for me at Restore!

Enter Friday, February 26th, 2011.

My neighbor came with me to the conference at Faith Community Church in Hudson. Again, the conference was titled Restore, with Sara Groves and Susie Larson. i was going to get to meet my dear "internet" friends, Kristi and Carla! Excited is the best word i can use to describe how i was feeling! This conference, i knew, was where God was going to meet me. Too much had happened for Him to NOT meet me! I had said "God, You are going to speak to me at that conference. I expect to meet with You." the day i had signed up for it. And He did.

i walked in the doors of that church, and i was a mess. i looked great, but inside i was still aching and hurting. i had wanted to end my life, but didn't because i knew how selfish it was to do that. i walked in knowing i had been to the very edge of the cliff. i walked right past Carla without even realizing it! Kristi was right there holding a sign with my name on it! As soon as she saw me, she yelled out and pulled me into her loving embrace. OK, THAT WOMAN CAN HUG!! and i loved it. i teared up. She proceeded to introduce me excitedly to so many people the first 5 minutes that i felt like a superstar! It was surreal for me, how anticipated i was. Carla was right there too, as Kristi hugged me, letting me know that she had made the sign! i felt embraced, welcomed, anticipated, loved, wanted. And all this by people i had never met face-to-face before! Yep, pretty amazing. really.

We sat down, and Kristi had made a GORGEOUS sun-catcher/stained glass thing for me. It.was.amazing. She gave it to me and said "VICTORY!" i have it currently hanging in my kitchen window, above my sink, and i think that EVERY time i look at it.... "VICTORY!"

Sara Groves came on and played. Many tears were shed. Then, she came to a song that has been significant for me in past year or more, titled Like a Lake. She gave an intro to the song, and i knew right away that it was starting. God was challenging me to "lay my heart wide open..." Here are the lyrics...i wept through the entire song!

Like A Lake by Sara GROVES

so much hurt and preservation
like a tendril round my soul
so much painful information
no clear way on how to hold it

when everything in me is tightening
curling in around this ache
I will lay my heart wide open
like the surface of a lake
wide open like a lake

standing at this waters edge
looking in at God's own heart
I've no idea where to begin
to swallow up the way things are

everything in me is drawing in
closing in around this pain
I will lay my heart wide open
like the surface of a lake
wide open like a lake

bring the wind and bring the thunder
bring the rain till I am tried
when it's over bring me stillness
let my face reflect the sky
and all the grace and all the wonder
of a peace that I can't fake
wide open like a lake

everything in me is tightening
curling in around this ache
I am fighting to stay open
I am fighting to stay open
open open oh wide open
open like a lake



The song says it all. i was longing for a "peace that i can't fake" as all i had known was faking it. i needed reality, and i started crying out for it.

The rest of the concert was beautiful, really beautiful. God was working on my heart through His Holy Spirit.

Saturday morning i had no idea what to expect. Susie Larson was immediately engaging and real. She was authentic, and i admired that. She spoke of the land of Promise...all the promises of God in Christ that we have and can claim. Now, remember, i had given about 95% of my thought life over to the enemy. This was powerful stuff i was hearing. She did 3 sessions, and i wish i could just type out everything she said, but i can't. She spoke the TRUTH. My heart was open and receiving it. She talked about her own struggles from her past, which were hard. i was relating on a number of levels, as i felt like i needed to perform to get people to like me, and if i couldn't perform, i must be worthless. She said how she had felt like a failure so many times...yep. All of the major things i struggled with, she said, almost verbatim: fear of what people think, fear in relationships, fear of failure. There were times where i wondered if anyone else was there, cuz this was so tailored for me! It was that personal.

 Tears had been flowing off and on all day Saturday, but they were different. i could tell. They were cleansing, healing, releasing, tears. Susie talked about fear, and yes, she quoted 1 John 4:18. See how God was weaving it all together! i am going to list some of things she spoke about that ministered to me.

• John 13:10 ~ Jesus's identity was NOT up for grabs. He knew who He was.

• it is not what feels true, but what IS true (Truth based on facts, not feelings).
• 1 John 4:16-18
• we say "i love You Lord" so often (which is wonderful). you can also say "YOU love me" in every moment! This point was HUGE for me. very difficult for me to wrap my head around, but it has changed my life.
• We must be free of the FEAR OF MAN!  (this was my BIGGY!)
• My worth is not going to be defined by people (wowzers!). i am prized, loved, accepted, called to something bigger than myself, equipped (you cannot exhaust the supply of God), and sent.
• Who you believe you are directly affects everything you do and how you live your life today.
• "Satan wants you stuck in your labels. Jesus wants you free."  (The Samaritan Woman of John 4)
• "Marinate in the presence of the living God and streams of living water will spring up."
• "He want to go to our most vile areas and make us FREE and WHOLE!"
• "Jesus Christ is not interested in making us comfortable in our captivity. He wants us FREE."
• You are everything to Him, and nothing without Him.
• God wants to heal your wounds. (i don't know why this was so huge for me. it was like i had never believed that He really wanted me free.)
• "Self-preservation must go if we want to be set free."
• "Let yourself be known by Christ and others." This one statement has challenged me at the very core of my being, but as i have stepped out these last weeks, God has met me in BIG ways, as i am letting myself finally be known.
• I will choose to live in response to God's love, and not in reaction to my fears.
• we pass THROUGH the valley to be refined and made to be like Him.
• Psalm 106:24-25 ~ We won't take hold of those promises if we don't think they are true for us.
• Get some grit in your growl!! (loved that!)
• Some people live such benign spiritual lives that satan doesn't even want to go after them." (This was very interesting to me. Satan leaves the "lukewarm believers" alone, as they pose no threat to him. When you are living & claiming the promises of God, you become a force to be reckoned with. God is at work!)
• Go after the promises of God tenaciously. Psalm 103:1-5
• "LIVE UP TO YOUR PRIVILEGE AS A CHILD OF GOD."
• "He (God) is not bound by imperfection or unpreparedness, but bound by unbelief."
• "He loves you for who you are, NOT for what you do."
• "Hang on to the Promised Life by faith!"
• there were many others that i have not written!!

It was important to have those points clear, because this next part is all about the Truth that was spoken at the conference, and the healing that God did in my mind, spirit, soul.

At the end of the conference, Susie said she had prayed for 3 very specific groups of women that she KNEW were there. The first group was women who had been called in to some kind of leadership, but they kept ignoring it. They all stood, and she started to pray. About half-way through her prayer for them, i got that warm and prickly feeling, and i knew the next group of women would be me. Susie finished praying, and then stated that the second group of women were those who came and they were just barely hangin' on. i went to my feet, with tears streaming down my cheeks. This was it. i knew it. No more running. No more hiding. No more pretending.

Susie asked the women who were sitting by those of us who were standing to reach out to us and touch us. Sweet Kristi grabbed one of my hands, and then the other. Now, i know i was crying, and i heard another person crying who was praying for me (was it you, sweet Kristi?) and it touched me. Susie started praying. When that woman prays, all of heaven must be with her, and i believe all of hell trembles! She prayed with authority, because she had been there before, and God had given her victory. i was just bawling. i completely broke. i felt like i was going to fall, and didn't let myself though! Then, it happened.

As she prayed, and Kristi held my hands, and i sobbed, i felt as though the top of my head was gently opened up, and all of the Truth of God's Word that had been spoken that day (the bullet-points up above) just washed over me; washed over my mind and poured down in to the deepest part of my being. i could feel that something had changed. Then it was like God gently closed my head again, and i felt a literal change in my brain. i can't explain it. but it was REAL. THERE WAS A TANGIBLE CHANGE! When she was done praying, i sat down (now, i don't even remember what she prayed, God was just working during that time) and tried to understand what had just happened. i felt different. i had a peace i had never known before. i felt calm (which was VERY strange to me). At the very end of the conference i just sat there for a bit talking with Carla, and then i went home.

Even my driving was different! i was a VERY aggeressive driver. God was showing me already just how much He has changed me.

The next day was Sunday. i was getting ready for church, brushing my teeth and i walked out of the bathroom. Suddenly i realized i had forgotten to take my medication. (i was on a very low dose of zoloft, as i had been wanting to get off of it for awhile. My husband and i had agreed that i would refill my prescription and take it into the summer, since i was not doing well.) So i turned around and went to the sink. reaching for the cupboard i heard the Lord say "No. You are done." i was like, huh?  i said ok, and turned to leave the bathroom again. Then i turned around saying to myself i have to take my medicine. If i don't, the whole world will know by noon that i skipped a dose! As i reached for the cupboard again, i heard it clear as a bell "No. You are done. I have healed you." WHOA....(i am a slow learner, as you see it took TWICE before i could really understand!). i said "okay Lord. You have to do this then, as i can't do a thing without Your strength."

*******please read: i am NOT a medical professional, and going off your medication can cause serious side-affects. i had weaned myself to a very low dose (25 mg) of zoloft under my doctor's supervision. Please DO NOT take what i am writing as license to go off your medication. i cannot be held responsible for any actions you take. This is something very specific that happened to me, personally, and i would never advise anyone to just go off your medications. They are there to help balance the chemicals in your brain.**********

i waited 4 days before i told my husband, and he couldn't even tell. i had no symptoms from going off of my anti-depressant, which is another miracle. i can honestly say, one month later, that i have more peace than i have ever had before. When i was on medicine, i was numbed to some things, but i was still very chaotic in my mind. Never had REAL, LASTING peace or calm. Now, i am living in the "peace that passes all understanding" and it is ALL GLORY TO GOD!

Over the past weeks, i have had people come up to me at church and comment on how different i am. Some people that i don't even know very well. One woman looked me in the eyes and said "there is something so different about you. i can see it in your eyes. there is peace there. you are calm." That is just the testimony of one woman, but many others have commented.

A couple weeks after the conference, i was sharing The Story with a dear sister in our church library. we were both crying tears of gratefulness. i shared with her about the slimy pit i was in. Well, that morning, during communion, our Pastor read those very verses from Psalm 40.

God confirms His work with His Word!

This post was so long, but i had to conclude this main part of The Story. God is continuing to work and stretch, change and challenge, encourage and comfort me.

May His be all the Glory, Honor, and Power forevermore!
Thanks for reading. And thank you to all who have prayed for me over the years and months. God heard, and answered.  Thank you FCC in Hudson, for hosting this conference that changed my life.

please listen to this by Sara Groves. This is precisely what God has done in me, wrapped up in one song! It is worth the 4 minutes.

The Story...part 5

January is always a tough month for me. It is cold. Real cold. You don't really want to go outside, but have to. It is dark. Very dark, very early. This affects me. i always know if i can just get through January, i will be okay.

February came. i was not okay. In fact i had become worse than ever. i was hopeless. lost. depressed. I felt worthless, unlovable, purpose-less. i felt like a nobody. When i would see people, i would try my best to muster up some kind of smile, and politely pretend my way out of any questions.

Any lie the enemy of my soul would speak to me, i believed. i gave over my thought-life to him. i had some very loving people, my husband included, who would speak Truth into me, but i chose to believe the lies. i truly began to believe that i was a failure. That no one truly loved me, and they all just pretended. That i would never be able to be loved for who i really was, because who i really was was disgusting. Can you imagine living like that? Maybe you find yourself there right now. Hear me....THOSE ARE LIES OF SATAN! For me, at the time, i didn't think they were lies, but they were.

On February 17th, 2011, i sent a terribly hopeless email to my husband. i had a breakdown, and i wanted to die. He called me right away, and i just sobbed. i was venting about the house, the kids, and myself. it was one of the worst moments i can think of in recent history. Honestly, he should have come home and taken me to the hospital; the psych ward. i was that messed up mentally. But God had other plans. You see, had he known to take me to the hospital, i would have been drugged up and zoned out. Numb. And i never would have had the opportunity for healing God was preparing for me.

 Luke 22:31 ~ And the Lord said, “Simon, Simon! Indeed, Satan has asked for you, that he may sift you as wheat. ³² But I have prayed for you, that your faith should not fail; and when you have returned to Me, strengthen your brethren.” (emphasis mine)

May i say that the passage in Luke, and also the passage in Job (when satan has to get permission from God to get to Job) have helped me so much. When i was despairing, i always had a tiny inkling of hope that God would rescue me. a VERY tiny inkling. i knew these verses, and God in His amazing mercy, reminded me of them.

That breakdown was 9 days out from the conference i was going to, called Restore. Up to that day, things had been slowly being torn apart in my life. That breakdown felt like the end of  the road for me. Now, you may be thinking that surely that moment was the bottom of the barrel for me...but no, it was not. I was able to pretend during my Bible Study on Saturday morning, just long enough for everyone to leave. I then isolated myself from my family, and continued on the downward spiral. The bottom of the pit was getting slimier and slimier.

On Monday night, February 21st, i was listening to a cd by Brooke Fraser called Albertine. A song came on called C.S. Lewis Song. There were a few songs before this one that had started a stirring inside me. Then this song started, and i fell apart...

If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared

[CHORUS:]
Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me

Am I lost or just less found? On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
Cos my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become[CHORUS]

[BRIDGE:]
For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming 

The verse that is in bold up there is where i completely broke down. i must say that during this i was "with it" enough to txt a friend (the one who gave me the disc) and ask her to pray for me. She spoke truth to me, yet i was still not able to process it, so inundated with the lies had i become. I was convinced that i was lost, going the wrong way, and that i would forever stay in the place of pain, avoiding "the impending birth of who I was born to become." You see, this song cut to the quick of everything. God was calling me out to a place of healing and wholeness. He knew who He created me to be. He wanted to bring me to that place.

When the end of the song came "Hope is coming for me. Hope, He's coming for me" i was completely undone. i mean, really undone. i couldn't stop the tears. i knew i had blown it. i knew that Hope would never come for me (LIES! LIES! LIES!).

There is no pit so deep that God's love isn't deeper still to reach in and save!!

i went downstairs and sobbed. i came back up and my husband wanted to talk. the kids were all in bed, so i started trying to process all that had been going on. i realized that all my life i had perfomed in order to be loved; that since my kids cried when i served dinner, that i must be a failure as a mom too. that if my own family (of origin) who was supposed to love me unconditionally, didn't love me simply for who i was, why on earth would anybody else, who didn't "have to" love me, love me? i knew i was too defective to be lovable, or so i allowed myself to believe. My dear love tried to speak life and truth to me, but i was too far gone with the lies to hear it. i went to bed that night knowing that the end was near for me, because i could not go on living this way. My sweet man didn't know what to do. Again, this was a time i should have been taken to the hospital, but wasn't. i could not stop the tears. i could not fake it anymore. i could not muster it up, and i sat in the pit of despair and isolation willingly, all the while dumping bucket after bucket of slime on myself. It was suffocating me. It was hurting my marriage. It was affecting my children.

The next morning, Tuesday the 22nd, my alarm went off. i wake up to PraiseFM, and they NEVER play Brooke Fraser in the morning. As soon as the radio came on, it was the start of her song Shadowfeet. It is the first song on the disc i had been listening to the night before. It starts out "walking, stumbling, on these shadowfeet..." and i just lay there and listened. Tears starting coming...again. Then the DJ came on, Paulette, or PK as they call her. She is usually kinda chatty (which is fine by me). This particular morning, as soon as the song ended, she just said the verse for the day...She read this:

 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us. 1 John 4:18-19

i have no idea what she said after that. i was sobbing. that was it. God had spoken. Very clearly i heard Him speak to my spirit "you are terrified in your love relationships. you are terrified in any relationship. you are terrified in your relationship with Me. I want you to walk confident in My love for you."  i completely fell apart. Remember when pain is likened to an onion? Well, this was the final layer. i knew it. i knew that God had spoken to me, and i had a choice to make. i could recieve His word, and move forward in freedom and healing, or reject it and end up nowhere. i would love to say that i immediately opened my heart up to the healing.

but i didn't.

You can get comfortable in your pain. It is scary to take the step needed for healing, because you have no idea what freedom and healing are like. It is unknown. And as crazy as it sounds, i didn't know if i was willing to leave my comfort-zone of pain and sorrow. crazy, i know. but true.

All day Tuesday you can imagine how miserable i was, knowing that healing was available if i would open my heart to it. Knowing that God had spoken to my spirit through His Word, but rejecting it. i was a miserable wretch. So, what did i do? Sank deeper in the pit, of course. More slime, please...

My husband and i talked again, and i tried explaining things. i must have sounded insane. i don't know. He was incredibly worried about me, and didn't know what to do. i didn't know what to do.

Wednesday morning, things changed. i was at the table dutifully reading some book and my Bible was right there, when it happened. First, you must understand i am a VERY conservative Christian. No strange mamsy-pamsy things for me. None of that crazy stuff...so what i am about to share was just significant.  As i said, the music of Sara Groves has ministered to me in EVERY area of my life. i had on her cd Add to the Beauty when the song It's Gonna Be Alright came on...

It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright...

I looked up from the book and my journal, and she was sitting at my kitchen table singing this to me. i mean, it was like she was RIGHT THERE. i started sobbing. like a baby. Those five words were exactly what i needed to hear. i looked back down at my open Bible. Tears, beautiful, healing, cleansing tears just poured out. the song went on, i was still looking down... 

I can tell by your eyes that you're not getting any sleep
And you try to rise above it, but feel you're sinking in too deep
Oh, oh I believe, I believe that...

I looked up at this point, and i saw my husband, my dear husband standing behind her. Then all of a sudden my kitchen just filled with people who loved me. Sharon, Kristi, Carla, Melissa, all the BibleStudy girls, all these beautiful people were singing this to me...



It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright

I believe you'll outlive this pain in you heart
And you'll gain such a strength from what is tearing you apart
Oh, oh I believe I believe that

It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright

i just bowed my head and sobbed. i bawled. i was just weeping. God was speaking. i opened my heart up to the healing that He has waiting for me. And the song went on, with all the people who truly love me singing it to me....

When some time has past us, and the story if retold
It will mirror the strength and the courage in your soulOh, oh, I believe I believe,

I believe
I believe

I did not come here to offer you cliché's
I will not pretend to know of all your pain
Just when you cannot, then I will hold out faith, for you

It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright

I finally knew that it truly would be alright. That all these people, my dear sweet husband included, had held out faith for me. I cried out to God in that moment and He rescued me from the pit!! i pleaded with Him to let my story bring Him glory, that He would take the blackest night in my life and use it to give me strength and courage. The hopelessness and despair were gone. i still had so much pain to work through, but i knew that it would be alright.

That was THE turning point. THAT was the moment i opened my heart up to the healing. See, just like Jesus had prayed for Peter, i know that He prayed for me. He answered the prayers of many beautiful people who were lifting me up to the great throne room.

Psalm 40:1-3 (emphasis mine)

 I waited patiently for the LORD;
   he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
   out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock    and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,    a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the LORD
   and put their trust in him.

Next time, the conclusion of The Story: the conference, and after.