The Story...part 5

January is always a tough month for me. It is cold. Real cold. You don't really want to go outside, but have to. It is dark. Very dark, very early. This affects me. i always know if i can just get through January, i will be okay.

February came. i was not okay. In fact i had become worse than ever. i was hopeless. lost. depressed. I felt worthless, unlovable, purpose-less. i felt like a nobody. When i would see people, i would try my best to muster up some kind of smile, and politely pretend my way out of any questions.

Any lie the enemy of my soul would speak to me, i believed. i gave over my thought-life to him. i had some very loving people, my husband included, who would speak Truth into me, but i chose to believe the lies. i truly began to believe that i was a failure. That no one truly loved me, and they all just pretended. That i would never be able to be loved for who i really was, because who i really was was disgusting. Can you imagine living like that? Maybe you find yourself there right now. Hear me....THOSE ARE LIES OF SATAN! For me, at the time, i didn't think they were lies, but they were.

On February 17th, 2011, i sent a terribly hopeless email to my husband. i had a breakdown, and i wanted to die. He called me right away, and i just sobbed. i was venting about the house, the kids, and myself. it was one of the worst moments i can think of in recent history. Honestly, he should have come home and taken me to the hospital; the psych ward. i was that messed up mentally. But God had other plans. You see, had he known to take me to the hospital, i would have been drugged up and zoned out. Numb. And i never would have had the opportunity for healing God was preparing for me.

 Luke 22:31 ~ And the Lord said, “Simon, Simon! Indeed, Satan has asked for you, that he may sift you as wheat. ³² But I have prayed for you, that your faith should not fail; and when you have returned to Me, strengthen your brethren.” (emphasis mine)

May i say that the passage in Luke, and also the passage in Job (when satan has to get permission from God to get to Job) have helped me so much. When i was despairing, i always had a tiny inkling of hope that God would rescue me. a VERY tiny inkling. i knew these verses, and God in His amazing mercy, reminded me of them.

That breakdown was 9 days out from the conference i was going to, called Restore. Up to that day, things had been slowly being torn apart in my life. That breakdown felt like the end of  the road for me. Now, you may be thinking that surely that moment was the bottom of the barrel for me...but no, it was not. I was able to pretend during my Bible Study on Saturday morning, just long enough for everyone to leave. I then isolated myself from my family, and continued on the downward spiral. The bottom of the pit was getting slimier and slimier.

On Monday night, February 21st, i was listening to a cd by Brooke Fraser called Albertine. A song came on called C.S. Lewis Song. There were a few songs before this one that had started a stirring inside me. Then this song started, and i fell apart...

If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared

[CHORUS:]
Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me

Am I lost or just less found? On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
Cos my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become[CHORUS]

[BRIDGE:]
For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming 

The verse that is in bold up there is where i completely broke down. i must say that during this i was "with it" enough to txt a friend (the one who gave me the disc) and ask her to pray for me. She spoke truth to me, yet i was still not able to process it, so inundated with the lies had i become. I was convinced that i was lost, going the wrong way, and that i would forever stay in the place of pain, avoiding "the impending birth of who I was born to become." You see, this song cut to the quick of everything. God was calling me out to a place of healing and wholeness. He knew who He created me to be. He wanted to bring me to that place.

When the end of the song came "Hope is coming for me. Hope, He's coming for me" i was completely undone. i mean, really undone. i couldn't stop the tears. i knew i had blown it. i knew that Hope would never come for me (LIES! LIES! LIES!).

There is no pit so deep that God's love isn't deeper still to reach in and save!!

i went downstairs and sobbed. i came back up and my husband wanted to talk. the kids were all in bed, so i started trying to process all that had been going on. i realized that all my life i had perfomed in order to be loved; that since my kids cried when i served dinner, that i must be a failure as a mom too. that if my own family (of origin) who was supposed to love me unconditionally, didn't love me simply for who i was, why on earth would anybody else, who didn't "have to" love me, love me? i knew i was too defective to be lovable, or so i allowed myself to believe. My dear love tried to speak life and truth to me, but i was too far gone with the lies to hear it. i went to bed that night knowing that the end was near for me, because i could not go on living this way. My sweet man didn't know what to do. Again, this was a time i should have been taken to the hospital, but wasn't. i could not stop the tears. i could not fake it anymore. i could not muster it up, and i sat in the pit of despair and isolation willingly, all the while dumping bucket after bucket of slime on myself. It was suffocating me. It was hurting my marriage. It was affecting my children.

The next morning, Tuesday the 22nd, my alarm went off. i wake up to PraiseFM, and they NEVER play Brooke Fraser in the morning. As soon as the radio came on, it was the start of her song Shadowfeet. It is the first song on the disc i had been listening to the night before. It starts out "walking, stumbling, on these shadowfeet..." and i just lay there and listened. Tears starting coming...again. Then the DJ came on, Paulette, or PK as they call her. She is usually kinda chatty (which is fine by me). This particular morning, as soon as the song ended, she just said the verse for the day...She read this:

 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us. 1 John 4:18-19

i have no idea what she said after that. i was sobbing. that was it. God had spoken. Very clearly i heard Him speak to my spirit "you are terrified in your love relationships. you are terrified in any relationship. you are terrified in your relationship with Me. I want you to walk confident in My love for you."  i completely fell apart. Remember when pain is likened to an onion? Well, this was the final layer. i knew it. i knew that God had spoken to me, and i had a choice to make. i could recieve His word, and move forward in freedom and healing, or reject it and end up nowhere. i would love to say that i immediately opened my heart up to the healing.

but i didn't.

You can get comfortable in your pain. It is scary to take the step needed for healing, because you have no idea what freedom and healing are like. It is unknown. And as crazy as it sounds, i didn't know if i was willing to leave my comfort-zone of pain and sorrow. crazy, i know. but true.

All day Tuesday you can imagine how miserable i was, knowing that healing was available if i would open my heart to it. Knowing that God had spoken to my spirit through His Word, but rejecting it. i was a miserable wretch. So, what did i do? Sank deeper in the pit, of course. More slime, please...

My husband and i talked again, and i tried explaining things. i must have sounded insane. i don't know. He was incredibly worried about me, and didn't know what to do. i didn't know what to do.

Wednesday morning, things changed. i was at the table dutifully reading some book and my Bible was right there, when it happened. First, you must understand i am a VERY conservative Christian. No strange mamsy-pamsy things for me. None of that crazy stuff...so what i am about to share was just significant.  As i said, the music of Sara Groves has ministered to me in EVERY area of my life. i had on her cd Add to the Beauty when the song It's Gonna Be Alright came on...

It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright...

I looked up from the book and my journal, and she was sitting at my kitchen table singing this to me. i mean, it was like she was RIGHT THERE. i started sobbing. like a baby. Those five words were exactly what i needed to hear. i looked back down at my open Bible. Tears, beautiful, healing, cleansing tears just poured out. the song went on, i was still looking down... 

I can tell by your eyes that you're not getting any sleep
And you try to rise above it, but feel you're sinking in too deep
Oh, oh I believe, I believe that...

I looked up at this point, and i saw my husband, my dear husband standing behind her. Then all of a sudden my kitchen just filled with people who loved me. Sharon, Kristi, Carla, Melissa, all the BibleStudy girls, all these beautiful people were singing this to me...



It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright

I believe you'll outlive this pain in you heart
And you'll gain such a strength from what is tearing you apart
Oh, oh I believe I believe that

It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright

i just bowed my head and sobbed. i bawled. i was just weeping. God was speaking. i opened my heart up to the healing that He has waiting for me. And the song went on, with all the people who truly love me singing it to me....

When some time has past us, and the story if retold
It will mirror the strength and the courage in your soulOh, oh, I believe I believe,

I believe
I believe

I did not come here to offer you cliché's
I will not pretend to know of all your pain
Just when you cannot, then I will hold out faith, for you

It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright

I finally knew that it truly would be alright. That all these people, my dear sweet husband included, had held out faith for me. I cried out to God in that moment and He rescued me from the pit!! i pleaded with Him to let my story bring Him glory, that He would take the blackest night in my life and use it to give me strength and courage. The hopelessness and despair were gone. i still had so much pain to work through, but i knew that it would be alright.

That was THE turning point. THAT was the moment i opened my heart up to the healing. See, just like Jesus had prayed for Peter, i know that He prayed for me. He answered the prayers of many beautiful people who were lifting me up to the great throne room.

Psalm 40:1-3 (emphasis mine)

 I waited patiently for the LORD;
   he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
   out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock    and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,    a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the LORD
   and put their trust in him.

Next time, the conclusion of The Story: the conference, and after.