How Long?

MAN! The Story takes awhile to type out, and i am even leaving out a ton of stuff! i will not be able to get to it again until Monday, but i SHALL continue, and wrap up this story of Redemption in the midst of Suffering!

Was listening to a Sara Groves cd yesterday, and this song just jumped out at me. Tears of gratefulness poured from my eyes as i realized that God's healing is so complete...He makes the pain and hurt seem less like scars, and more like character.
Here are the lyrics:

Less Like Scars by Sara Groves

It's been a hard year

 • But I'm climbing out of the rubble •

 These lessons are hard •

Healing changes are subtle •

 But every day it's...

• Less like tearing more like building •

Less like captive more like willing •

Less like breakdown more like surrender •

 Less like haunting more like remember •

And I feel you here •

 And you're picking up the pieces •

Forever faithful •

It seemed out of my hands a bad situation •

 But you are able •

And in your hands the pain and hurt •

look less like scars and more like character •

 • Less like a prison a prison more like my room •

Less like a casket more like a womb

• Less like dying more like transcending •

 Less like fear, less like an ending •

 • And I feel you here •

And you're picking up the pieces •

Forever faithful •

It seemed out of my hands a bad situation •

 But you are able •

 And in your hands the pain and hurt •

 look less like scars •

• Just a little while ago •

 I couldn't feel the power or the hope •

 I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing •

Just a little while back •

 I was desperate, broken, laid out •

Hoping you would come •

• And I need you •

 And I want you here •

And I feel you... •

 • And I feel you here •

And you're picking up the pieces •

Forever faithful •

It seemed out of my hands a bad situation •

But you are able •

And in your hands the pain and hurt •

 look less like scars •

And in your hands the pain and hurt •

 look less like scars •

 And in your hands the pain and hurt •

look less like scars •

And more like character



The Story...Part 4

Sometimes i am just not sure where to start when typing out The Story here. It is so much easier to SAY it, ya know? Here i go though...

Back in December, i went to Carla's blog. She and Kristi have been "bloggy-friends" of mine for a few years. And they are like, good buds, so it was great to connect with them. SO LOVING!! Anyway, i had not been to Carla's blog for a LONG time! Her blog is usually pretty funny, and it is always good for a chuckle (as is Kristi's). i was surprised when her page came up. It was a serious post. She was telling her story. i started reading at part 6, i think. i found myself crying. i went down further in the blog, to read the rest of her story. wow. Similarities much?? She and i started communicating via email, and little did i know how much that would mean to me in a few weeks.

Also, during the months of Nov/Dec, some songs started getting a lot more radio play on PraiseFM, or i just started finally "hearing" them. One was byjj heller called "What Love Really Means". Go ahead a click on link and listen to the song as you read the lyrics.

He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He’s the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night, “Dear God won’t you please
Could you send someone here who will love me?”

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means

Her office is shrinking a little each day
She’s the woman whose husband has run away
She’ll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would’ve stayed
And she says…

Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me?
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means

He’s waiting to die as he sits all alone
He’s a man in a cell who regrets what he’s done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
“Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home”

Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said
“I know you’ve murdered and I know you’ve lied
I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you’ll listen, I’ll tell you that I...”

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew
lyrics by jj and dave heller

I started hearing this song multiple times in a day. Once i figured out the lyrics (didn't take long) i started singing with it, and, i started crying. Every. Time. i. Heard. It. Something was happening inside of me. I realized that i wanted to be loved just for who i was. i was that child in the corner. i lived in fear that i would be the woman in the office, though my husband gave me no reason to fear. It was my own insecurities and feelings of worthlessness that brought that fear up...constantly. i thought i was too fat, ugly, fat, messy, fat, crazy, fat. You get it. Thought he deserved better than me, and i lived in the terror that one day, he would find someone better than me. You must know that my husband affirmed me in every way. He truly loved me, and loves me today. This was all my "baggage" that i projected onto him.

When the song got to the part that it was the Lord speaking to the prisoner, i would bawl. i mean, SOB! Could He really give me the love that i had never known? Was i willing to let go of all my fears and pain, and trust Him. Not yet. There is a strange comfort in pain.

I got curious about who this jj heller was. I went to youtube and found more songs, more truths from God's Word. More pain being uncovered as i listened. "Your Hands" was amazing for me in the month of December. Again, little did i know just how important the truths in this song would be for me to cling to.

Mid-December brought about a major crisis in my life. No details will be given, as it is enough to know that my world was shaken, and i knew i had to change some significant things. I contacted, via email, Carla, asking her some tough questions about what i knew i needed to do. Setting boundries is easy to talk about; very difficult to enact. i needed support. i wasn't sure how to reconcile it with my faith. What i received was loving encouragement to get healthy for my husband and kids. To end the crazy cycles i had allowed myself to live with. To create a "safety zone" around myself.  Now, the lyrics to the song "Your Hands" became my lifeline. i clung to them with all i had, as my entire world was being ripped apart. Here are the lyrics to that beautiful song. Strangely enough, this song was born out of a time when jj heller herself was having anxiety and panic attacks. God held me up with these words:

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn’t there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain awayI am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lieOh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mineWhen my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your handsWhen you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things rightYeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still
(bold emphasis mine...those are the parts that just held me...and broke me at the same time!)

So, now it is late December/early January. Suffice it to say that i had been having mini-breakdowns regularily.  Our children saw their mommy crying often. They saw her yelling, screaming, slamming doors. They saw me out-of-control. I would always be able to pull myself up though, and put on a good show for another week, til the next mini-meltdown. Only a few people knew what was going on, and i was isolating myself more and more. All the while, i was still listening to music, trying to do what was "right". i put on a GREAT ACT!

One of the discs i was listening to was by Sara Groves. Yes, she has basically taken what was inside me and sang it for all the world to hear! Her music has had a profound impact on me. She is very real and authentic, which is why i believe her music touches so many. Anyway, i posted one of her songs on fb that had really been speaking to me. My friend Kristi told me that she could tell i really liked Sara, and that she was doing a concert at this women's conference in late February at her church...i should go.  Now, a little background here: i had looked at Sara's page for her Christmas concert schedule and had seen this conference listed, and i had a pretty good feeling it was at Carla and Kristi's church in Hudson. It was for women only, so i dismissed it, because i was looking for something the hubby and i could go to. That was early December. See how God is putting pieces together already?

So Kristi invites me to this conference. The name of the conference....RESTORE. Can you see God's fingerprints all over this?? i called my husband, and he was like YESSSSSS! GOOOO!!! So i ordered my ticket. i think that the second i pressed "confirm", God gave the enemy of my soul permission to sift me. Satan has to go through God to get to His children, and i believe that satan had to go through God to get to me.

Now, Kristi had no idea how her one act of obedience in asking me to go to the conference, would be THE thing that God used to bring a COMPLETE healing in my life. When you are prompted by God, OBEY. Kristi did, and God changed my life.

more to come...

 

The Story...end coming soon

I will be posting the beginning of the end of The Story tomorrow...
In the meantime,
Time to worship!  take a moment and marinate in the presence of our Lord! this song has ministered to me in a very deep place! it is so TRUE!! "my sinful soul is counted free, for God the just is satisfied to look on Him and pardon me."

Peeling Back the Layers...The Story part 3



pic credit

 One thing you must know about me is that music speaks to me in ways that i really can't describe. Someone can tell me something over and over and i may not "get it", but as soon as i hear that message in a simple song, i am come undone. i get it. God uses music in my life. As a result, you will find The Story saturated in all different kinds of music. It has played a significant part in my life, and The Story cannot be told without it.

People (therapists) talk the healing process in terms of onions sometimes. Yes, i said onions. They have many layers that you peel back. Healing is like that. About 15 years ago, i started peeling back the layers of my "onion of pain" (heehee, sorry, that sounds funny!). Here, for you to read, are the first layers of that onion being peeled back. Each layer is painful to get through, but healing is always on the other side.

Years ago, in 1995, Jars of Clay came out with their first disc. I listened to it a lot non-stop! One song is called "Love Song for a Saviour" spoke to me in ways that i didn't understand at the time...

 In open fields of wild flowers,
she breathes the air and flies away
She thanks her Jesus for the daises and the roses
in no simple language
Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all
He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close a heartbeat or a song on her lips
Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call her and she will come running
and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and she'll pray,

"I want to fall in love with You"

i wondered if He would ever call me. I wondered what it would be like to run to His arms, and not be turned away or rejected. This song brought tears to my eyes every time i sang it, as it was my hearts desire to fall in love with Jesus in that way, and to have His love in return (what i didn't understand, was that i already had His love!).

Another song on that disc is called "World's Apart" (click the title for a beautiful moment)

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

[Additional lyrics:]

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash my feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take my beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
take my beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

it's worlds apart

i wept as i sang this song. it was my prayer. i desperately wanted to believe in the "mercy that covers me" but couldn't understand that Christ really wanted me. How could He still love me when i messed up so much? That question haunted me for years...i continued to listen to the disc, and continued to cry out to God while i did. These songs became sacrifices offered, prayers of desperation, cries for change. Little did i realize that God was working all these longings in me to bring me to a place of absolute brokenness before Him.

He did take my world apart.

He did break me.

He did strip me of everything and anything that stood in the way of me really understanding His love.

Throughout all the years, i always clung to some grain of hope in Christ Jesus. i knew that His Word was my everything. i loved the book of Job, of Jeremiah, and Lamentations. i loved the the FIRE of the prophets; their unapologetic passion for God. I prayed that God's Word would be a fire in me. i led groups, and was involved in the ministry. Man, i looked good, but i was dying inside. i would say yes to things, just to please people, and "earn" love. i would then find myself in over my head, and have to back down. Yep, guilt and shame are what i heaped upon myself.

And all the while, this gentle, loving man was loving me. i am forever grateful for the love and stability of my husband. i am amazed at God's mercy to me in blessing me with you.

There has been pain in my relationships.... Suffice it to say, i have learned boundaries, and can walk in them now. WHEW! And those boundaries meant some hard decisions for me and my husband.

When our first child was a baby, i met her. The friend of friends. Her child was the same age, and we bonded. Walks, talks, childcare swaps, tears, coffee, and desserts. I knew i had someone who understood the trials of new "mommyhood" and, even though we were soooo different, we just connected. She ended up moving far away, and i was freaked...like, here we go again, lost another friend. BUT GOD did a miracle. He strengthened our friendship and created a bond stronger than Gorilla Glue between us!! She was a support and encourager and is still today. You know who you are :o)

A few years ago, God saw fit to set-up some relationships that i had no idea would be key in my healing! Ladies, you know who you are...and i thank God for causing us to connect a few years ago, and for the privilege of meeting you a couple weeks ago. The Internet is pretty amazing sometimes. 

Today i leave you with my life passage, which carried through many fires and rivers. Notice it doesn't say "if" but "when"....we have a HOPE, and a Mighty Deliverer!! Hallelujah!

Isaiah 43:1-7

 ¹ But now, thus says the LORD, who created you, O Jacob,
      And He who formed you, O Israel:

      “ Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
      I have called you by your name;
      You are Mine.
       ² When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
      And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
      When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
      Nor shall the flame scorch you.

     ³ For I am the LORD your God,
      The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
      I gave Egypt for your ransom,
      Ethiopia and Seba in your place.
       ⁴ Since you were precious in My sight,
      You have been honored,
      And I have loved you;     
     Therefore I will give men for you,
      And people for your life.
       ⁵ Fear not, for I am with you;
      I will bring your descendants from the east,
      And gather you from the west;
       ⁶ I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’
      And to the south, ‘Do not keep them back!’
      Bring My sons from afar,
      And My daughters from the ends of the earth—
       ⁷ Everyone who is called by My name,
      Whom I have created for My glory;
      I have formed him, yes, I have made him.” (emphasis mine) 

Blessed be the GREAT Name of our Lord Jesus Christ!
Tomorrow, the past couple months, leading up to the mighty healing!

Keeping it Real: The Story, Part 2 (sorta)

After i posted Part 1 of my story, i was thinking maybe i shared too much about my past. Maybe i should have made it "prettier" so that i wouldn't sound like "i had it worse than you did" or something. Each of us has a journey, and pain is pain. The enemy was shouting in my ear..."loser"!!

Ya know what? If i were, or any of us for that matter, to package my pain with pretty paper and put a nice bow on it, God would not receive the glory for the complete transformation He did.

i was not innocent in my past either. You need to know that "hurt people, hurt people". And i did. i hurt people. i lashed out at my family. i am even quite sure i started a chunk of the fights myself...reaching for attention.

Simply put, i just wanted you to know that each of our lives is basically a beautiful mess. Life is messy. We get hurt, and we hurt others. If i hid my mess, or "cleaned it up" you would miss the amazing power that God showed.

Later today, the story continues...
There is HOPE! There are treasures to be found in the darkest night, sweet one.

The Story...part 1

Suffice it to say that i had a very difficult past. i can understand most types of abuse people live through. I quickly learned that to get love i had to perform, and i learned that i could never perform enough to earn that love; the standard was always raised, and i failed repeatedly. i was a failure. My sense of worth was non-existent. i was convinced in my teen years that i was a mistake, and should not have been born. Lovely, i know.  i hated myself; hated life, and tried to end it. Went running to anyone who even showed an inkling of interest in me. I tried everything imaginable to deal with the pain...yep, all of it. Nothing worked, or lasted. In fact, it always just added to the pain, shame, and guilt i felt just for living. And for right now, that is enough about my distant past. It was hell on earth for me. i think we all understand. The point of my story is not how horrible my growing up was, but how REDEMPTIVE our great God is!

i need to explain that i don't capitalize the "i" when i type...it is just my style, so bear with me :o)

This story focuses in on the last few years or so, with a brief history.

At age 17, i made a commitment to Christ, after a long time in a treatment center (drug/alcohol abuse), in and out patient. A few friends in high school were instrumental in my conversion, as they kept inviting me to church, even after all the times i said no. I finally said yes.

 When i was in my 20's, i married an amazing, godly man. He is the picture of calm all most of the time. i, on the other hand, was NOT a picture of calm, and we struggled the first few years of marriage. With minimal family support, we were pretty much on our own. His family lives out of town. We were involved in a church, but even then, i don't think people understood just how difficult things had become for us in our marriage, behind closed doors.

Add kids. WOWZERS! If i thought i was doing well, or at least playing the part, having kids just blew my cover! Postpartum depression came down hard. I had struggled with depression from my teen years and on, but this was like nothing i had ever expected.

Enter Depression. Ah yes, the valley i camped out in for years! i mean YEARS! Yep, medication and therapy. i desperately wanted to be "whole" emotionally. i was told by people in the church that i needed more faith, that i must have sin, that i should pray a certain way for 5 minutes a day. i subjected myself to spiritual abuse at very strange prayer meetings, all for the sake of getting "healed" of my depression, and "delivered" from my past. Nothing worked. I entered a crisis of faith. "If God loved me, why....???" Eventually i made it out of that dark night of my soul (with so much loving care and prayer from my husband).

The enemy of my soul would have loved for me to stay there, BUT GOD had a story to write on my life.

I leave you today with lyrics from Sara Groves. The story continues tomorrow as we fast-forward to the last year or so...
Maybe There's A Loving God by
Sara Groves             I'm trying to work things out • I'm trying to comprehend • Am I the chance result • Of some great accident • I hear a rhythm call me • The echo of a grand design • I spend each night in the backyard • Staring up at the stars in the sky • • I have another meeting today • With my new counselor • My mom will cry and say • I don't know what to do with her • She's so unresponsive • I just cannot break through • She spends all night in the backyard • Staring up at the stars and the moon • • They have a chart and a graph • Of my despondency • They want to chart a path • For self-recovery • And want to know what I'm thinking • What motivates my mood • To spend all night in the backyard • Staring up at the stars and the moon • • Maybe this was made for me • For lying on my back in the middle of a field • Maybe that's a selfish thought • Or maybe there's a loving God • • Maybe I was made this way • To think and to reason and to question and to pray • And I have never prayed a lot • But maybe there's a loving God • • Maybe this was made for me • For lying on my back in the middle of a field • Maybe that's a selfish thought • Or maybe there's a loving God • • Maybe I was mad this way • To think and to reason and to question and to pray • And I have never prayed a lot • But maybe there's a loving God • • And that may be a foolish thought • Or maybe there is a God • And I have never prayed a lot • But maybe there's a loving God • •

When i first heard this song, years ago, it just resonated with me. i did this. i was drawn to the safety of the night sky as a teen, and would really wonder these things...

telling the story...

Sunday morning i was out in the "milling around area" of our church before service began, when i walked up to a table, wondering if it was a class i had been interested in taking. Anyway, a sweet sister in Christ was looking at me...and said "something is so different about you."
me: "God has healed me!"
her: "I can just see it in your eyes. There is a calm and a peace there that i haven't seen there before."

Isn't God good! He heals, and makes it evident to others around us what He has done!

After that, i was blessed with the opportunity to share my story of healing with a dear friend in the library. she works in there, and i knew i had to tell her what God had done. The Lord kept that library quiet the ENTIRE time we talked (she works in it first hour), and she told me it is RARELY that quiet in there!  We both shed tears of joy for what God has done in my life.

Later that afternoon, i went to talk to a neighbor friend. We talked for a bit and both shared what God had been doing, and it was a beautiful hour of fellowship.

So, guess what? Later that night, i can seriously tell you i had some kick-back from the enemy of my soul. How did i withstand it? i took all of the promises of God and just lambasted that little devil! he no longer can possess the land of my mind, and i am feeling it! But God is more powerful than anything, and HE HAS OVERCOME!

i know, i allude to this "story" of mine...well, it isn't mine really. It is God's. God's story that He has written on my life.

Next post, i will begin to share of the goodness of our Great God in His amazing healing touch on my life!

Psalm 40

This came up in the sermon today, and it was so fitting. This is precisely what God did for me! i cried tears of joy at the salvation of our great God..

 ¹ I waited patiently for the LORD;
         And He inclined to me,
         And heard my cry.
 ² He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,  {or a slimy pit, in some versions}
         Out of the miry clay,
         And set my feet upon a rock,
         And established my steps.
 ³ He has put a new song in my mouth—
         Praise to our God;
         Many will see it and fear,
         And will trust in the LORD.

Hallelujah! He is so amazingly good! He confirms His work with His Word!
        

for today...

i am compelled to say YOU are precious to our Father! You are cherished in the Beloved. His desire is for you to know how special you are! He LOVES you, and not just loves you, but LOVES YOU! It is not based on what you do, have done, or will do. He just LOVES you...

Sweet one, know and rest in that today. You are His!

Throughout the weekend, say a few times a day "You love me"...this was suggested by Susie Larson at the Restore Conf. i was at, and it has been my "thing" since. If i start feeling worthless..."You love me." If i am feeling neglected..."You love me." If i am feeling lonely..."YOU love me, and all my need is met in YOU alone!" There is NO room for the enemy of my soul once i confess that and worship Him for His perfect love for me.

Precious one, HIS grace IS sufficient for every minute of every day. His love is strong enough to carry you through the storm, and keep you in the quiet moments.
   

"The LORD your God in your midst,
      The Mighty One, will save;
      He will rejoice over you with gladness,
      He will quiet you with His love,
      He will rejoice over you with singing.”  ~Zephaniah 3:17

Say it aloud......... YOU LOVE ME!!!  Thank you Lord Jesus!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifeJRC5lvhs  take a moment to listen and worship..

As always, i love to hear your beautiful thoughts.

Who's Grace??

"My grace is sufficient for thee."  2 Corinthians 12:9

I absolutely love this story from C. H. Spurgeon:

'The other evening I was riding home after a heavy day's work. I felt very wearied, and sore depressed, when swiftly, and suddenly as a lightning flash, that text came to me, "My grace is sufficient for thee." I reached home and looked it up in the original, and at last it came to me in this way, "MY grace is sufficient for thee"; and I said, "I should think it is, Lord," and burst out laughing.

 I never fully understood what the holy laughter of Abraham was until then. It seemed to make unbelief so absurd. It was as though some little fish, being very thirsty, was troubled about drinking the river dry, and Father Thames said, "Drink away, little fish, my stream is sufficient for thee." 
Or it seemed after the seven years of plenty, a mouse feared it might die of famine; and Joseph might say,'Cheer up, little mouse, my granaries are sufficient for thee."

Again, I imagined a man away up yonder, in a lofty mountain, saying to himself, "I breathe so many cubic feet of air every year, I fear I shall exhaust the oxygen in the atmosphere," but the earth might say, "Breathe away, O man, and fill the lungs ever, my atmosphere is sufficient for thee."

Oh, brethren, be great believers! Little faith will bring your souls to Heaven, but great faith will bring Heaven to your souls.'

For now, my comments will be null...This story speaks volumes! What are your thoughts? Have you struggled with believing that His grace IS sufficient?