The Story...Part 4

Sometimes i am just not sure where to start when typing out The Story here. It is so much easier to SAY it, ya know? Here i go though...

Back in December, i went to Carla's blog. She and Kristi have been "bloggy-friends" of mine for a few years. And they are like, good buds, so it was great to connect with them. SO LOVING!! Anyway, i had not been to Carla's blog for a LONG time! Her blog is usually pretty funny, and it is always good for a chuckle (as is Kristi's). i was surprised when her page came up. It was a serious post. She was telling her story. i started reading at part 6, i think. i found myself crying. i went down further in the blog, to read the rest of her story. wow. Similarities much?? She and i started communicating via email, and little did i know how much that would mean to me in a few weeks.

Also, during the months of Nov/Dec, some songs started getting a lot more radio play on PraiseFM, or i just started finally "hearing" them. One was byjj heller called "What Love Really Means". Go ahead a click on link and listen to the song as you read the lyrics.

He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He’s the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night, “Dear God won’t you please
Could you send someone here who will love me?”

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means

Her office is shrinking a little each day
She’s the woman whose husband has run away
She’ll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would’ve stayed
And she says…

Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me?
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means

He’s waiting to die as he sits all alone
He’s a man in a cell who regrets what he’s done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
“Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home”

Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said
“I know you’ve murdered and I know you’ve lied
I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you’ll listen, I’ll tell you that I...”

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew
lyrics by jj and dave heller

I started hearing this song multiple times in a day. Once i figured out the lyrics (didn't take long) i started singing with it, and, i started crying. Every. Time. i. Heard. It. Something was happening inside of me. I realized that i wanted to be loved just for who i was. i was that child in the corner. i lived in fear that i would be the woman in the office, though my husband gave me no reason to fear. It was my own insecurities and feelings of worthlessness that brought that fear up...constantly. i thought i was too fat, ugly, fat, messy, fat, crazy, fat. You get it. Thought he deserved better than me, and i lived in the terror that one day, he would find someone better than me. You must know that my husband affirmed me in every way. He truly loved me, and loves me today. This was all my "baggage" that i projected onto him.

When the song got to the part that it was the Lord speaking to the prisoner, i would bawl. i mean, SOB! Could He really give me the love that i had never known? Was i willing to let go of all my fears and pain, and trust Him. Not yet. There is a strange comfort in pain.

I got curious about who this jj heller was. I went to youtube and found more songs, more truths from God's Word. More pain being uncovered as i listened. "Your Hands" was amazing for me in the month of December. Again, little did i know just how important the truths in this song would be for me to cling to.

Mid-December brought about a major crisis in my life. No details will be given, as it is enough to know that my world was shaken, and i knew i had to change some significant things. I contacted, via email, Carla, asking her some tough questions about what i knew i needed to do. Setting boundries is easy to talk about; very difficult to enact. i needed support. i wasn't sure how to reconcile it with my faith. What i received was loving encouragement to get healthy for my husband and kids. To end the crazy cycles i had allowed myself to live with. To create a "safety zone" around myself.  Now, the lyrics to the song "Your Hands" became my lifeline. i clung to them with all i had, as my entire world was being ripped apart. Here are the lyrics to that beautiful song. Strangely enough, this song was born out of a time when jj heller herself was having anxiety and panic attacks. God held me up with these words:

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn’t there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain awayI am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lieOh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mineWhen my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your handsWhen you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things rightYeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still
(bold emphasis mine...those are the parts that just held me...and broke me at the same time!)

So, now it is late December/early January. Suffice it to say that i had been having mini-breakdowns regularily.  Our children saw their mommy crying often. They saw her yelling, screaming, slamming doors. They saw me out-of-control. I would always be able to pull myself up though, and put on a good show for another week, til the next mini-meltdown. Only a few people knew what was going on, and i was isolating myself more and more. All the while, i was still listening to music, trying to do what was "right". i put on a GREAT ACT!

One of the discs i was listening to was by Sara Groves. Yes, she has basically taken what was inside me and sang it for all the world to hear! Her music has had a profound impact on me. She is very real and authentic, which is why i believe her music touches so many. Anyway, i posted one of her songs on fb that had really been speaking to me. My friend Kristi told me that she could tell i really liked Sara, and that she was doing a concert at this women's conference in late February at her church...i should go.  Now, a little background here: i had looked at Sara's page for her Christmas concert schedule and had seen this conference listed, and i had a pretty good feeling it was at Carla and Kristi's church in Hudson. It was for women only, so i dismissed it, because i was looking for something the hubby and i could go to. That was early December. See how God is putting pieces together already?

So Kristi invites me to this conference. The name of the conference....RESTORE. Can you see God's fingerprints all over this?? i called my husband, and he was like YESSSSSS! GOOOO!!! So i ordered my ticket. i think that the second i pressed "confirm", God gave the enemy of my soul permission to sift me. Satan has to go through God to get to His children, and i believe that satan had to go through God to get to me.

Now, Kristi had no idea how her one act of obedience in asking me to go to the conference, would be THE thing that God used to bring a COMPLETE healing in my life. When you are prompted by God, OBEY. Kristi did, and God changed my life.

more to come...