Peeling Back the Layers...The Story part 3



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 One thing you must know about me is that music speaks to me in ways that i really can't describe. Someone can tell me something over and over and i may not "get it", but as soon as i hear that message in a simple song, i am come undone. i get it. God uses music in my life. As a result, you will find The Story saturated in all different kinds of music. It has played a significant part in my life, and The Story cannot be told without it.

People (therapists) talk the healing process in terms of onions sometimes. Yes, i said onions. They have many layers that you peel back. Healing is like that. About 15 years ago, i started peeling back the layers of my "onion of pain" (heehee, sorry, that sounds funny!). Here, for you to read, are the first layers of that onion being peeled back. Each layer is painful to get through, but healing is always on the other side.

Years ago, in 1995, Jars of Clay came out with their first disc. I listened to it a lot non-stop! One song is called "Love Song for a Saviour" spoke to me in ways that i didn't understand at the time...

 In open fields of wild flowers,
she breathes the air and flies away
She thanks her Jesus for the daises and the roses
in no simple language
Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all
He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close a heartbeat or a song on her lips
Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call her and she will come running
and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and she'll pray,

"I want to fall in love with You"

i wondered if He would ever call me. I wondered what it would be like to run to His arms, and not be turned away or rejected. This song brought tears to my eyes every time i sang it, as it was my hearts desire to fall in love with Jesus in that way, and to have His love in return (what i didn't understand, was that i already had His love!).

Another song on that disc is called "World's Apart" (click the title for a beautiful moment)

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

[Additional lyrics:]

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash my feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take my beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
take my beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

it's worlds apart

i wept as i sang this song. it was my prayer. i desperately wanted to believe in the "mercy that covers me" but couldn't understand that Christ really wanted me. How could He still love me when i messed up so much? That question haunted me for years...i continued to listen to the disc, and continued to cry out to God while i did. These songs became sacrifices offered, prayers of desperation, cries for change. Little did i realize that God was working all these longings in me to bring me to a place of absolute brokenness before Him.

He did take my world apart.

He did break me.

He did strip me of everything and anything that stood in the way of me really understanding His love.

Throughout all the years, i always clung to some grain of hope in Christ Jesus. i knew that His Word was my everything. i loved the book of Job, of Jeremiah, and Lamentations. i loved the the FIRE of the prophets; their unapologetic passion for God. I prayed that God's Word would be a fire in me. i led groups, and was involved in the ministry. Man, i looked good, but i was dying inside. i would say yes to things, just to please people, and "earn" love. i would then find myself in over my head, and have to back down. Yep, guilt and shame are what i heaped upon myself.

And all the while, this gentle, loving man was loving me. i am forever grateful for the love and stability of my husband. i am amazed at God's mercy to me in blessing me with you.

There has been pain in my relationships.... Suffice it to say, i have learned boundaries, and can walk in them now. WHEW! And those boundaries meant some hard decisions for me and my husband.

When our first child was a baby, i met her. The friend of friends. Her child was the same age, and we bonded. Walks, talks, childcare swaps, tears, coffee, and desserts. I knew i had someone who understood the trials of new "mommyhood" and, even though we were soooo different, we just connected. She ended up moving far away, and i was freaked...like, here we go again, lost another friend. BUT GOD did a miracle. He strengthened our friendship and created a bond stronger than Gorilla Glue between us!! She was a support and encourager and is still today. You know who you are :o)

A few years ago, God saw fit to set-up some relationships that i had no idea would be key in my healing! Ladies, you know who you are...and i thank God for causing us to connect a few years ago, and for the privilege of meeting you a couple weeks ago. The Internet is pretty amazing sometimes. 

Today i leave you with my life passage, which carried through many fires and rivers. Notice it doesn't say "if" but "when"....we have a HOPE, and a Mighty Deliverer!! Hallelujah!

Isaiah 43:1-7

 ¹ But now, thus says the LORD, who created you, O Jacob,
      And He who formed you, O Israel:

      “ Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
      I have called you by your name;
      You are Mine.
       ² When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
      And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
      When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
      Nor shall the flame scorch you.

     ³ For I am the LORD your God,
      The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
      I gave Egypt for your ransom,
      Ethiopia and Seba in your place.
       ⁴ Since you were precious in My sight,
      You have been honored,
      And I have loved you;     
     Therefore I will give men for you,
      And people for your life.
       ⁵ Fear not, for I am with you;
      I will bring your descendants from the east,
      And gather you from the west;
       ⁶ I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’
      And to the south, ‘Do not keep them back!’
      Bring My sons from afar,
      And My daughters from the ends of the earth—
       ⁷ Everyone who is called by My name,
      Whom I have created for My glory;
      I have formed him, yes, I have made him.” (emphasis mine) 

Blessed be the GREAT Name of our Lord Jesus Christ!
Tomorrow, the past couple months, leading up to the mighty healing!