One Slow Learner :o)

The other night i was struggling with some hard news, and went to my laundry room to have some "cleaning therapy". i swept out dust from what i can only imagine were dust bunny refuges! Anyway, when i finished i went to my kitchen and thought maybe i should take a xanax. That is a fast-acting, short-lasting anit-anxiety medicine. The only medication i held on to after all was said and done.

i was about to get the bottle when i heard that still, small Voice say, "read the Bible, John 15." i was like, what? Why should i read about vines and branches! That is not what i need right now! Again i heard "John 15." So, i grabbed my Bible and started reading in John 4. i know, right? Nothin' struck me in John 4, so i went to John 15 (should have done that the first time!).

¹ “I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. ² Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit He takes away;^[a] and every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit. ³ You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you. ⁴ Abide in Me,..."

THERE it was! "Abide in Me." i got no further. THAT was exactly what i needed to hear. My head hit my Bible and i stayed like that for a good 15 minutes, praying for strength to Abide. Praying for His amazing peace. And you know what? The end result was so much comfort and peace! Better than a xanax anyday!

I may be a slow learner at times, but our God is so faithfully patient with me!

The Story...The Healing Hand of God !!

i left off with Psalm 40:1-3 in the last post, and it seems a fitting place to start this one.

 I waited patiently for the LORD;
   he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
   out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
   and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
   a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the LORD
   and put their trust in him.

This is the final post in the "official" part of The Story, but you must know that everything that takes place in my life is a part of it, so The Story never really ends, does it? God continues to write upon the fabric of my life. He continues His skillful weaving of the tapestry i call living.

The Wednesday morning i opened my heart to the healing that God wanted to bring was significant. See, Father God was continually reaching for me. But i had to choose to open up my heart and soul to receive the healing He so longed to give. i had to choose to receive the love He had for me. Knowing how suffocating the pit had become, i wanted freedom. i was willing to step out of the "comfort" of my pain, to walk in the freedom God wanted to give me.

Thursday came and went pretty much like the other days. i was still depressed, but could acknowledge that God was working. i have one very close friend that i had been missing. i was wondering how she was, and was thinking that she didn't need me anymore (pity party much? i just wanna go puke having to write that.). Well, it worked out that we talked on the phone that day and she was flying out Friday. She is the one who lives a couple hours away...Anyway, she ended up coming and spending the night (i live very close to the airport)! Do you see how much God cares about the seemingly simplest of things? He met me where i was, and brought one of my best friends to stay the night. We stayed up til 1:00am talking, and it was so good. She was excited at what God must have in store for me at Restore!

Enter Friday, February 26th, 2011.

My neighbor came with me to the conference at Faith Community Church in Hudson. Again, the conference was titled Restore, with Sara Groves and Susie Larson. i was going to get to meet my dear "internet" friends, Kristi and Carla! Excited is the best word i can use to describe how i was feeling! This conference, i knew, was where God was going to meet me. Too much had happened for Him to NOT meet me! I had said "God, You are going to speak to me at that conference. I expect to meet with You." the day i had signed up for it. And He did.

i walked in the doors of that church, and i was a mess. i looked great, but inside i was still aching and hurting. i had wanted to end my life, but didn't because i knew how selfish it was to do that. i walked in knowing i had been to the very edge of the cliff. i walked right past Carla without even realizing it! Kristi was right there holding a sign with my name on it! As soon as she saw me, she yelled out and pulled me into her loving embrace. OK, THAT WOMAN CAN HUG!! and i loved it. i teared up. She proceeded to introduce me excitedly to so many people the first 5 minutes that i felt like a superstar! It was surreal for me, how anticipated i was. Carla was right there too, as Kristi hugged me, letting me know that she had made the sign! i felt embraced, welcomed, anticipated, loved, wanted. And all this by people i had never met face-to-face before! Yep, pretty amazing. really.

We sat down, and Kristi had made a GORGEOUS sun-catcher/stained glass thing for me. It.was.amazing. She gave it to me and said "VICTORY!" i have it currently hanging in my kitchen window, above my sink, and i think that EVERY time i look at it.... "VICTORY!"

Sara Groves came on and played. Many tears were shed. Then, she came to a song that has been significant for me in past year or more, titled Like a Lake. She gave an intro to the song, and i knew right away that it was starting. God was challenging me to "lay my heart wide open..." Here are the lyrics...i wept through the entire song!

Like A Lake by Sara GROVES

so much hurt and preservation
like a tendril round my soul
so much painful information
no clear way on how to hold it

when everything in me is tightening
curling in around this ache
I will lay my heart wide open
like the surface of a lake
wide open like a lake

standing at this waters edge
looking in at God's own heart
I've no idea where to begin
to swallow up the way things are

everything in me is drawing in
closing in around this pain
I will lay my heart wide open
like the surface of a lake
wide open like a lake

bring the wind and bring the thunder
bring the rain till I am tried
when it's over bring me stillness
let my face reflect the sky
and all the grace and all the wonder
of a peace that I can't fake
wide open like a lake

everything in me is tightening
curling in around this ache
I am fighting to stay open
I am fighting to stay open
open open oh wide open
open like a lake



The song says it all. i was longing for a "peace that i can't fake" as all i had known was faking it. i needed reality, and i started crying out for it.

The rest of the concert was beautiful, really beautiful. God was working on my heart through His Holy Spirit.

Saturday morning i had no idea what to expect. Susie Larson was immediately engaging and real. She was authentic, and i admired that. She spoke of the land of Promise...all the promises of God in Christ that we have and can claim. Now, remember, i had given about 95% of my thought life over to the enemy. This was powerful stuff i was hearing. She did 3 sessions, and i wish i could just type out everything she said, but i can't. She spoke the TRUTH. My heart was open and receiving it. She talked about her own struggles from her past, which were hard. i was relating on a number of levels, as i felt like i needed to perform to get people to like me, and if i couldn't perform, i must be worthless. She said how she had felt like a failure so many times...yep. All of the major things i struggled with, she said, almost verbatim: fear of what people think, fear in relationships, fear of failure. There were times where i wondered if anyone else was there, cuz this was so tailored for me! It was that personal.

 Tears had been flowing off and on all day Saturday, but they were different. i could tell. They were cleansing, healing, releasing, tears. Susie talked about fear, and yes, she quoted 1 John 4:18. See how God was weaving it all together! i am going to list some of things she spoke about that ministered to me.

• John 13:10 ~ Jesus's identity was NOT up for grabs. He knew who He was.

• it is not what feels true, but what IS true (Truth based on facts, not feelings).
• 1 John 4:16-18
• we say "i love You Lord" so often (which is wonderful). you can also say "YOU love me" in every moment! This point was HUGE for me. very difficult for me to wrap my head around, but it has changed my life.
• We must be free of the FEAR OF MAN!  (this was my BIGGY!)
• My worth is not going to be defined by people (wowzers!). i am prized, loved, accepted, called to something bigger than myself, equipped (you cannot exhaust the supply of God), and sent.
• Who you believe you are directly affects everything you do and how you live your life today.
• "Satan wants you stuck in your labels. Jesus wants you free."  (The Samaritan Woman of John 4)
• "Marinate in the presence of the living God and streams of living water will spring up."
• "He want to go to our most vile areas and make us FREE and WHOLE!"
• "Jesus Christ is not interested in making us comfortable in our captivity. He wants us FREE."
• You are everything to Him, and nothing without Him.
• God wants to heal your wounds. (i don't know why this was so huge for me. it was like i had never believed that He really wanted me free.)
• "Self-preservation must go if we want to be set free."
• "Let yourself be known by Christ and others." This one statement has challenged me at the very core of my being, but as i have stepped out these last weeks, God has met me in BIG ways, as i am letting myself finally be known.
• I will choose to live in response to God's love, and not in reaction to my fears.
• we pass THROUGH the valley to be refined and made to be like Him.
• Psalm 106:24-25 ~ We won't take hold of those promises if we don't think they are true for us.
• Get some grit in your growl!! (loved that!)
• Some people live such benign spiritual lives that satan doesn't even want to go after them." (This was very interesting to me. Satan leaves the "lukewarm believers" alone, as they pose no threat to him. When you are living & claiming the promises of God, you become a force to be reckoned with. God is at work!)
• Go after the promises of God tenaciously. Psalm 103:1-5
• "LIVE UP TO YOUR PRIVILEGE AS A CHILD OF GOD."
• "He (God) is not bound by imperfection or unpreparedness, but bound by unbelief."
• "He loves you for who you are, NOT for what you do."
• "Hang on to the Promised Life by faith!"
• there were many others that i have not written!!

It was important to have those points clear, because this next part is all about the Truth that was spoken at the conference, and the healing that God did in my mind, spirit, soul.

At the end of the conference, Susie said she had prayed for 3 very specific groups of women that she KNEW were there. The first group was women who had been called in to some kind of leadership, but they kept ignoring it. They all stood, and she started to pray. About half-way through her prayer for them, i got that warm and prickly feeling, and i knew the next group of women would be me. Susie finished praying, and then stated that the second group of women were those who came and they were just barely hangin' on. i went to my feet, with tears streaming down my cheeks. This was it. i knew it. No more running. No more hiding. No more pretending.

Susie asked the women who were sitting by those of us who were standing to reach out to us and touch us. Sweet Kristi grabbed one of my hands, and then the other. Now, i know i was crying, and i heard another person crying who was praying for me (was it you, sweet Kristi?) and it touched me. Susie started praying. When that woman prays, all of heaven must be with her, and i believe all of hell trembles! She prayed with authority, because she had been there before, and God had given her victory. i was just bawling. i completely broke. i felt like i was going to fall, and didn't let myself though! Then, it happened.

As she prayed, and Kristi held my hands, and i sobbed, i felt as though the top of my head was gently opened up, and all of the Truth of God's Word that had been spoken that day (the bullet-points up above) just washed over me; washed over my mind and poured down in to the deepest part of my being. i could feel that something had changed. Then it was like God gently closed my head again, and i felt a literal change in my brain. i can't explain it. but it was REAL. THERE WAS A TANGIBLE CHANGE! When she was done praying, i sat down (now, i don't even remember what she prayed, God was just working during that time) and tried to understand what had just happened. i felt different. i had a peace i had never known before. i felt calm (which was VERY strange to me). At the very end of the conference i just sat there for a bit talking with Carla, and then i went home.

Even my driving was different! i was a VERY aggeressive driver. God was showing me already just how much He has changed me.

The next day was Sunday. i was getting ready for church, brushing my teeth and i walked out of the bathroom. Suddenly i realized i had forgotten to take my medication. (i was on a very low dose of zoloft, as i had been wanting to get off of it for awhile. My husband and i had agreed that i would refill my prescription and take it into the summer, since i was not doing well.) So i turned around and went to the sink. reaching for the cupboard i heard the Lord say "No. You are done." i was like, huh?  i said ok, and turned to leave the bathroom again. Then i turned around saying to myself i have to take my medicine. If i don't, the whole world will know by noon that i skipped a dose! As i reached for the cupboard again, i heard it clear as a bell "No. You are done. I have healed you." WHOA....(i am a slow learner, as you see it took TWICE before i could really understand!). i said "okay Lord. You have to do this then, as i can't do a thing without Your strength."

*******please read: i am NOT a medical professional, and going off your medication can cause serious side-affects. i had weaned myself to a very low dose (25 mg) of zoloft under my doctor's supervision. Please DO NOT take what i am writing as license to go off your medication. i cannot be held responsible for any actions you take. This is something very specific that happened to me, personally, and i would never advise anyone to just go off your medications. They are there to help balance the chemicals in your brain.**********

i waited 4 days before i told my husband, and he couldn't even tell. i had no symptoms from going off of my anti-depressant, which is another miracle. i can honestly say, one month later, that i have more peace than i have ever had before. When i was on medicine, i was numbed to some things, but i was still very chaotic in my mind. Never had REAL, LASTING peace or calm. Now, i am living in the "peace that passes all understanding" and it is ALL GLORY TO GOD!

Over the past weeks, i have had people come up to me at church and comment on how different i am. Some people that i don't even know very well. One woman looked me in the eyes and said "there is something so different about you. i can see it in your eyes. there is peace there. you are calm." That is just the testimony of one woman, but many others have commented.

A couple weeks after the conference, i was sharing The Story with a dear sister in our church library. we were both crying tears of gratefulness. i shared with her about the slimy pit i was in. Well, that morning, during communion, our Pastor read those very verses from Psalm 40.

God confirms His work with His Word!

This post was so long, but i had to conclude this main part of The Story. God is continuing to work and stretch, change and challenge, encourage and comfort me.

May His be all the Glory, Honor, and Power forevermore!
Thanks for reading. And thank you to all who have prayed for me over the years and months. God heard, and answered.  Thank you FCC in Hudson, for hosting this conference that changed my life.

please listen to this by Sara Groves. This is precisely what God has done in me, wrapped up in one song! It is worth the 4 minutes.

The Story...part 5

January is always a tough month for me. It is cold. Real cold. You don't really want to go outside, but have to. It is dark. Very dark, very early. This affects me. i always know if i can just get through January, i will be okay.

February came. i was not okay. In fact i had become worse than ever. i was hopeless. lost. depressed. I felt worthless, unlovable, purpose-less. i felt like a nobody. When i would see people, i would try my best to muster up some kind of smile, and politely pretend my way out of any questions.

Any lie the enemy of my soul would speak to me, i believed. i gave over my thought-life to him. i had some very loving people, my husband included, who would speak Truth into me, but i chose to believe the lies. i truly began to believe that i was a failure. That no one truly loved me, and they all just pretended. That i would never be able to be loved for who i really was, because who i really was was disgusting. Can you imagine living like that? Maybe you find yourself there right now. Hear me....THOSE ARE LIES OF SATAN! For me, at the time, i didn't think they were lies, but they were.

On February 17th, 2011, i sent a terribly hopeless email to my husband. i had a breakdown, and i wanted to die. He called me right away, and i just sobbed. i was venting about the house, the kids, and myself. it was one of the worst moments i can think of in recent history. Honestly, he should have come home and taken me to the hospital; the psych ward. i was that messed up mentally. But God had other plans. You see, had he known to take me to the hospital, i would have been drugged up and zoned out. Numb. And i never would have had the opportunity for healing God was preparing for me.

 Luke 22:31 ~ And the Lord said, “Simon, Simon! Indeed, Satan has asked for you, that he may sift you as wheat. ³² But I have prayed for you, that your faith should not fail; and when you have returned to Me, strengthen your brethren.” (emphasis mine)

May i say that the passage in Luke, and also the passage in Job (when satan has to get permission from God to get to Job) have helped me so much. When i was despairing, i always had a tiny inkling of hope that God would rescue me. a VERY tiny inkling. i knew these verses, and God in His amazing mercy, reminded me of them.

That breakdown was 9 days out from the conference i was going to, called Restore. Up to that day, things had been slowly being torn apart in my life. That breakdown felt like the end of  the road for me. Now, you may be thinking that surely that moment was the bottom of the barrel for me...but no, it was not. I was able to pretend during my Bible Study on Saturday morning, just long enough for everyone to leave. I then isolated myself from my family, and continued on the downward spiral. The bottom of the pit was getting slimier and slimier.

On Monday night, February 21st, i was listening to a cd by Brooke Fraser called Albertine. A song came on called C.S. Lewis Song. There were a few songs before this one that had started a stirring inside me. Then this song started, and i fell apart...

If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared

[CHORUS:]
Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me

Am I lost or just less found? On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
Cos my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become[CHORUS]

[BRIDGE:]
For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming 

The verse that is in bold up there is where i completely broke down. i must say that during this i was "with it" enough to txt a friend (the one who gave me the disc) and ask her to pray for me. She spoke truth to me, yet i was still not able to process it, so inundated with the lies had i become. I was convinced that i was lost, going the wrong way, and that i would forever stay in the place of pain, avoiding "the impending birth of who I was born to become." You see, this song cut to the quick of everything. God was calling me out to a place of healing and wholeness. He knew who He created me to be. He wanted to bring me to that place.

When the end of the song came "Hope is coming for me. Hope, He's coming for me" i was completely undone. i mean, really undone. i couldn't stop the tears. i knew i had blown it. i knew that Hope would never come for me (LIES! LIES! LIES!).

There is no pit so deep that God's love isn't deeper still to reach in and save!!

i went downstairs and sobbed. i came back up and my husband wanted to talk. the kids were all in bed, so i started trying to process all that had been going on. i realized that all my life i had perfomed in order to be loved; that since my kids cried when i served dinner, that i must be a failure as a mom too. that if my own family (of origin) who was supposed to love me unconditionally, didn't love me simply for who i was, why on earth would anybody else, who didn't "have to" love me, love me? i knew i was too defective to be lovable, or so i allowed myself to believe. My dear love tried to speak life and truth to me, but i was too far gone with the lies to hear it. i went to bed that night knowing that the end was near for me, because i could not go on living this way. My sweet man didn't know what to do. Again, this was a time i should have been taken to the hospital, but wasn't. i could not stop the tears. i could not fake it anymore. i could not muster it up, and i sat in the pit of despair and isolation willingly, all the while dumping bucket after bucket of slime on myself. It was suffocating me. It was hurting my marriage. It was affecting my children.

The next morning, Tuesday the 22nd, my alarm went off. i wake up to PraiseFM, and they NEVER play Brooke Fraser in the morning. As soon as the radio came on, it was the start of her song Shadowfeet. It is the first song on the disc i had been listening to the night before. It starts out "walking, stumbling, on these shadowfeet..." and i just lay there and listened. Tears starting coming...again. Then the DJ came on, Paulette, or PK as they call her. She is usually kinda chatty (which is fine by me). This particular morning, as soon as the song ended, she just said the verse for the day...She read this:

 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us. 1 John 4:18-19

i have no idea what she said after that. i was sobbing. that was it. God had spoken. Very clearly i heard Him speak to my spirit "you are terrified in your love relationships. you are terrified in any relationship. you are terrified in your relationship with Me. I want you to walk confident in My love for you."  i completely fell apart. Remember when pain is likened to an onion? Well, this was the final layer. i knew it. i knew that God had spoken to me, and i had a choice to make. i could recieve His word, and move forward in freedom and healing, or reject it and end up nowhere. i would love to say that i immediately opened my heart up to the healing.

but i didn't.

You can get comfortable in your pain. It is scary to take the step needed for healing, because you have no idea what freedom and healing are like. It is unknown. And as crazy as it sounds, i didn't know if i was willing to leave my comfort-zone of pain and sorrow. crazy, i know. but true.

All day Tuesday you can imagine how miserable i was, knowing that healing was available if i would open my heart to it. Knowing that God had spoken to my spirit through His Word, but rejecting it. i was a miserable wretch. So, what did i do? Sank deeper in the pit, of course. More slime, please...

My husband and i talked again, and i tried explaining things. i must have sounded insane. i don't know. He was incredibly worried about me, and didn't know what to do. i didn't know what to do.

Wednesday morning, things changed. i was at the table dutifully reading some book and my Bible was right there, when it happened. First, you must understand i am a VERY conservative Christian. No strange mamsy-pamsy things for me. None of that crazy stuff...so what i am about to share was just significant.  As i said, the music of Sara Groves has ministered to me in EVERY area of my life. i had on her cd Add to the Beauty when the song It's Gonna Be Alright came on...

It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright...

I looked up from the book and my journal, and she was sitting at my kitchen table singing this to me. i mean, it was like she was RIGHT THERE. i started sobbing. like a baby. Those five words were exactly what i needed to hear. i looked back down at my open Bible. Tears, beautiful, healing, cleansing tears just poured out. the song went on, i was still looking down... 

I can tell by your eyes that you're not getting any sleep
And you try to rise above it, but feel you're sinking in too deep
Oh, oh I believe, I believe that...

I looked up at this point, and i saw my husband, my dear husband standing behind her. Then all of a sudden my kitchen just filled with people who loved me. Sharon, Kristi, Carla, Melissa, all the BibleStudy girls, all these beautiful people were singing this to me...



It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright

I believe you'll outlive this pain in you heart
And you'll gain such a strength from what is tearing you apart
Oh, oh I believe I believe that

It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright

i just bowed my head and sobbed. i bawled. i was just weeping. God was speaking. i opened my heart up to the healing that He has waiting for me. And the song went on, with all the people who truly love me singing it to me....

When some time has past us, and the story if retold
It will mirror the strength and the courage in your soulOh, oh, I believe I believe,

I believe
I believe

I did not come here to offer you cliché's
I will not pretend to know of all your pain
Just when you cannot, then I will hold out faith, for you

It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright

I finally knew that it truly would be alright. That all these people, my dear sweet husband included, had held out faith for me. I cried out to God in that moment and He rescued me from the pit!! i pleaded with Him to let my story bring Him glory, that He would take the blackest night in my life and use it to give me strength and courage. The hopelessness and despair were gone. i still had so much pain to work through, but i knew that it would be alright.

That was THE turning point. THAT was the moment i opened my heart up to the healing. See, just like Jesus had prayed for Peter, i know that He prayed for me. He answered the prayers of many beautiful people who were lifting me up to the great throne room.

Psalm 40:1-3 (emphasis mine)

 I waited patiently for the LORD;
   he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
   out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock    and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,    a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the LORD
   and put their trust in him.

Next time, the conclusion of The Story: the conference, and after.

How Long?

MAN! The Story takes awhile to type out, and i am even leaving out a ton of stuff! i will not be able to get to it again until Monday, but i SHALL continue, and wrap up this story of Redemption in the midst of Suffering!

Was listening to a Sara Groves cd yesterday, and this song just jumped out at me. Tears of gratefulness poured from my eyes as i realized that God's healing is so complete...He makes the pain and hurt seem less like scars, and more like character.
Here are the lyrics:

Less Like Scars by Sara Groves

It's been a hard year

 • But I'm climbing out of the rubble •

 These lessons are hard •

Healing changes are subtle •

 But every day it's...

• Less like tearing more like building •

Less like captive more like willing •

Less like breakdown more like surrender •

 Less like haunting more like remember •

And I feel you here •

 And you're picking up the pieces •

Forever faithful •

It seemed out of my hands a bad situation •

 But you are able •

And in your hands the pain and hurt •

look less like scars and more like character •

 • Less like a prison a prison more like my room •

Less like a casket more like a womb

• Less like dying more like transcending •

 Less like fear, less like an ending •

 • And I feel you here •

And you're picking up the pieces •

Forever faithful •

It seemed out of my hands a bad situation •

 But you are able •

 And in your hands the pain and hurt •

 look less like scars •

• Just a little while ago •

 I couldn't feel the power or the hope •

 I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing •

Just a little while back •

 I was desperate, broken, laid out •

Hoping you would come •

• And I need you •

 And I want you here •

And I feel you... •

 • And I feel you here •

And you're picking up the pieces •

Forever faithful •

It seemed out of my hands a bad situation •

But you are able •

And in your hands the pain and hurt •

 look less like scars •

And in your hands the pain and hurt •

 look less like scars •

 And in your hands the pain and hurt •

look less like scars •

And more like character



The Story...Part 4

Sometimes i am just not sure where to start when typing out The Story here. It is so much easier to SAY it, ya know? Here i go though...

Back in December, i went to Carla's blog. She and Kristi have been "bloggy-friends" of mine for a few years. And they are like, good buds, so it was great to connect with them. SO LOVING!! Anyway, i had not been to Carla's blog for a LONG time! Her blog is usually pretty funny, and it is always good for a chuckle (as is Kristi's). i was surprised when her page came up. It was a serious post. She was telling her story. i started reading at part 6, i think. i found myself crying. i went down further in the blog, to read the rest of her story. wow. Similarities much?? She and i started communicating via email, and little did i know how much that would mean to me in a few weeks.

Also, during the months of Nov/Dec, some songs started getting a lot more radio play on PraiseFM, or i just started finally "hearing" them. One was byjj heller called "What Love Really Means". Go ahead a click on link and listen to the song as you read the lyrics.

He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He’s the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night, “Dear God won’t you please
Could you send someone here who will love me?”

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means

Her office is shrinking a little each day
She’s the woman whose husband has run away
She’ll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would’ve stayed
And she says…

Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me?
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means

He’s waiting to die as he sits all alone
He’s a man in a cell who regrets what he’s done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
“Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home”

Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said
“I know you’ve murdered and I know you’ve lied
I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you’ll listen, I’ll tell you that I...”

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew
lyrics by jj and dave heller

I started hearing this song multiple times in a day. Once i figured out the lyrics (didn't take long) i started singing with it, and, i started crying. Every. Time. i. Heard. It. Something was happening inside of me. I realized that i wanted to be loved just for who i was. i was that child in the corner. i lived in fear that i would be the woman in the office, though my husband gave me no reason to fear. It was my own insecurities and feelings of worthlessness that brought that fear up...constantly. i thought i was too fat, ugly, fat, messy, fat, crazy, fat. You get it. Thought he deserved better than me, and i lived in the terror that one day, he would find someone better than me. You must know that my husband affirmed me in every way. He truly loved me, and loves me today. This was all my "baggage" that i projected onto him.

When the song got to the part that it was the Lord speaking to the prisoner, i would bawl. i mean, SOB! Could He really give me the love that i had never known? Was i willing to let go of all my fears and pain, and trust Him. Not yet. There is a strange comfort in pain.

I got curious about who this jj heller was. I went to youtube and found more songs, more truths from God's Word. More pain being uncovered as i listened. "Your Hands" was amazing for me in the month of December. Again, little did i know just how important the truths in this song would be for me to cling to.

Mid-December brought about a major crisis in my life. No details will be given, as it is enough to know that my world was shaken, and i knew i had to change some significant things. I contacted, via email, Carla, asking her some tough questions about what i knew i needed to do. Setting boundries is easy to talk about; very difficult to enact. i needed support. i wasn't sure how to reconcile it with my faith. What i received was loving encouragement to get healthy for my husband and kids. To end the crazy cycles i had allowed myself to live with. To create a "safety zone" around myself.  Now, the lyrics to the song "Your Hands" became my lifeline. i clung to them with all i had, as my entire world was being ripped apart. Here are the lyrics to that beautiful song. Strangely enough, this song was born out of a time when jj heller herself was having anxiety and panic attacks. God held me up with these words:

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn’t there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain awayI am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lieOh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mineWhen my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your handsWhen you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things rightYeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still
(bold emphasis mine...those are the parts that just held me...and broke me at the same time!)

So, now it is late December/early January. Suffice it to say that i had been having mini-breakdowns regularily.  Our children saw their mommy crying often. They saw her yelling, screaming, slamming doors. They saw me out-of-control. I would always be able to pull myself up though, and put on a good show for another week, til the next mini-meltdown. Only a few people knew what was going on, and i was isolating myself more and more. All the while, i was still listening to music, trying to do what was "right". i put on a GREAT ACT!

One of the discs i was listening to was by Sara Groves. Yes, she has basically taken what was inside me and sang it for all the world to hear! Her music has had a profound impact on me. She is very real and authentic, which is why i believe her music touches so many. Anyway, i posted one of her songs on fb that had really been speaking to me. My friend Kristi told me that she could tell i really liked Sara, and that she was doing a concert at this women's conference in late February at her church...i should go.  Now, a little background here: i had looked at Sara's page for her Christmas concert schedule and had seen this conference listed, and i had a pretty good feeling it was at Carla and Kristi's church in Hudson. It was for women only, so i dismissed it, because i was looking for something the hubby and i could go to. That was early December. See how God is putting pieces together already?

So Kristi invites me to this conference. The name of the conference....RESTORE. Can you see God's fingerprints all over this?? i called my husband, and he was like YESSSSSS! GOOOO!!! So i ordered my ticket. i think that the second i pressed "confirm", God gave the enemy of my soul permission to sift me. Satan has to go through God to get to His children, and i believe that satan had to go through God to get to me.

Now, Kristi had no idea how her one act of obedience in asking me to go to the conference, would be THE thing that God used to bring a COMPLETE healing in my life. When you are prompted by God, OBEY. Kristi did, and God changed my life.

more to come...

 

The Story...end coming soon

I will be posting the beginning of the end of The Story tomorrow...
In the meantime,
Time to worship!  take a moment and marinate in the presence of our Lord! this song has ministered to me in a very deep place! it is so TRUE!! "my sinful soul is counted free, for God the just is satisfied to look on Him and pardon me."

Peeling Back the Layers...The Story part 3



pic credit

 One thing you must know about me is that music speaks to me in ways that i really can't describe. Someone can tell me something over and over and i may not "get it", but as soon as i hear that message in a simple song, i am come undone. i get it. God uses music in my life. As a result, you will find The Story saturated in all different kinds of music. It has played a significant part in my life, and The Story cannot be told without it.

People (therapists) talk the healing process in terms of onions sometimes. Yes, i said onions. They have many layers that you peel back. Healing is like that. About 15 years ago, i started peeling back the layers of my "onion of pain" (heehee, sorry, that sounds funny!). Here, for you to read, are the first layers of that onion being peeled back. Each layer is painful to get through, but healing is always on the other side.

Years ago, in 1995, Jars of Clay came out with their first disc. I listened to it a lot non-stop! One song is called "Love Song for a Saviour" spoke to me in ways that i didn't understand at the time...

 In open fields of wild flowers,
she breathes the air and flies away
She thanks her Jesus for the daises and the roses
in no simple language
Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all
He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close a heartbeat or a song on her lips
Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call her and she will come running
and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and she'll pray,

"I want to fall in love with You"

i wondered if He would ever call me. I wondered what it would be like to run to His arms, and not be turned away or rejected. This song brought tears to my eyes every time i sang it, as it was my hearts desire to fall in love with Jesus in that way, and to have His love in return (what i didn't understand, was that i already had His love!).

Another song on that disc is called "World's Apart" (click the title for a beautiful moment)

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

[Additional lyrics:]

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash my feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take my beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
take my beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

it's worlds apart

i wept as i sang this song. it was my prayer. i desperately wanted to believe in the "mercy that covers me" but couldn't understand that Christ really wanted me. How could He still love me when i messed up so much? That question haunted me for years...i continued to listen to the disc, and continued to cry out to God while i did. These songs became sacrifices offered, prayers of desperation, cries for change. Little did i realize that God was working all these longings in me to bring me to a place of absolute brokenness before Him.

He did take my world apart.

He did break me.

He did strip me of everything and anything that stood in the way of me really understanding His love.

Throughout all the years, i always clung to some grain of hope in Christ Jesus. i knew that His Word was my everything. i loved the book of Job, of Jeremiah, and Lamentations. i loved the the FIRE of the prophets; their unapologetic passion for God. I prayed that God's Word would be a fire in me. i led groups, and was involved in the ministry. Man, i looked good, but i was dying inside. i would say yes to things, just to please people, and "earn" love. i would then find myself in over my head, and have to back down. Yep, guilt and shame are what i heaped upon myself.

And all the while, this gentle, loving man was loving me. i am forever grateful for the love and stability of my husband. i am amazed at God's mercy to me in blessing me with you.

There has been pain in my relationships.... Suffice it to say, i have learned boundaries, and can walk in them now. WHEW! And those boundaries meant some hard decisions for me and my husband.

When our first child was a baby, i met her. The friend of friends. Her child was the same age, and we bonded. Walks, talks, childcare swaps, tears, coffee, and desserts. I knew i had someone who understood the trials of new "mommyhood" and, even though we were soooo different, we just connected. She ended up moving far away, and i was freaked...like, here we go again, lost another friend. BUT GOD did a miracle. He strengthened our friendship and created a bond stronger than Gorilla Glue between us!! She was a support and encourager and is still today. You know who you are :o)

A few years ago, God saw fit to set-up some relationships that i had no idea would be key in my healing! Ladies, you know who you are...and i thank God for causing us to connect a few years ago, and for the privilege of meeting you a couple weeks ago. The Internet is pretty amazing sometimes. 

Today i leave you with my life passage, which carried through many fires and rivers. Notice it doesn't say "if" but "when"....we have a HOPE, and a Mighty Deliverer!! Hallelujah!

Isaiah 43:1-7

 ¹ But now, thus says the LORD, who created you, O Jacob,
      And He who formed you, O Israel:

      “ Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
      I have called you by your name;
      You are Mine.
       ² When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
      And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
      When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
      Nor shall the flame scorch you.

     ³ For I am the LORD your God,
      The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
      I gave Egypt for your ransom,
      Ethiopia and Seba in your place.
       ⁴ Since you were precious in My sight,
      You have been honored,
      And I have loved you;     
     Therefore I will give men for you,
      And people for your life.
       ⁵ Fear not, for I am with you;
      I will bring your descendants from the east,
      And gather you from the west;
       ⁶ I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’
      And to the south, ‘Do not keep them back!’
      Bring My sons from afar,
      And My daughters from the ends of the earth—
       ⁷ Everyone who is called by My name,
      Whom I have created for My glory;
      I have formed him, yes, I have made him.” (emphasis mine) 

Blessed be the GREAT Name of our Lord Jesus Christ!
Tomorrow, the past couple months, leading up to the mighty healing!

Keeping it Real: The Story, Part 2 (sorta)

After i posted Part 1 of my story, i was thinking maybe i shared too much about my past. Maybe i should have made it "prettier" so that i wouldn't sound like "i had it worse than you did" or something. Each of us has a journey, and pain is pain. The enemy was shouting in my ear..."loser"!!

Ya know what? If i were, or any of us for that matter, to package my pain with pretty paper and put a nice bow on it, God would not receive the glory for the complete transformation He did.

i was not innocent in my past either. You need to know that "hurt people, hurt people". And i did. i hurt people. i lashed out at my family. i am even quite sure i started a chunk of the fights myself...reaching for attention.

Simply put, i just wanted you to know that each of our lives is basically a beautiful mess. Life is messy. We get hurt, and we hurt others. If i hid my mess, or "cleaned it up" you would miss the amazing power that God showed.

Later today, the story continues...
There is HOPE! There are treasures to be found in the darkest night, sweet one.

The Story...part 1

Suffice it to say that i had a very difficult past. i can understand most types of abuse people live through. I quickly learned that to get love i had to perform, and i learned that i could never perform enough to earn that love; the standard was always raised, and i failed repeatedly. i was a failure. My sense of worth was non-existent. i was convinced in my teen years that i was a mistake, and should not have been born. Lovely, i know.  i hated myself; hated life, and tried to end it. Went running to anyone who even showed an inkling of interest in me. I tried everything imaginable to deal with the pain...yep, all of it. Nothing worked, or lasted. In fact, it always just added to the pain, shame, and guilt i felt just for living. And for right now, that is enough about my distant past. It was hell on earth for me. i think we all understand. The point of my story is not how horrible my growing up was, but how REDEMPTIVE our great God is!

i need to explain that i don't capitalize the "i" when i type...it is just my style, so bear with me :o)

This story focuses in on the last few years or so, with a brief history.

At age 17, i made a commitment to Christ, after a long time in a treatment center (drug/alcohol abuse), in and out patient. A few friends in high school were instrumental in my conversion, as they kept inviting me to church, even after all the times i said no. I finally said yes.

 When i was in my 20's, i married an amazing, godly man. He is the picture of calm all most of the time. i, on the other hand, was NOT a picture of calm, and we struggled the first few years of marriage. With minimal family support, we were pretty much on our own. His family lives out of town. We were involved in a church, but even then, i don't think people understood just how difficult things had become for us in our marriage, behind closed doors.

Add kids. WOWZERS! If i thought i was doing well, or at least playing the part, having kids just blew my cover! Postpartum depression came down hard. I had struggled with depression from my teen years and on, but this was like nothing i had ever expected.

Enter Depression. Ah yes, the valley i camped out in for years! i mean YEARS! Yep, medication and therapy. i desperately wanted to be "whole" emotionally. i was told by people in the church that i needed more faith, that i must have sin, that i should pray a certain way for 5 minutes a day. i subjected myself to spiritual abuse at very strange prayer meetings, all for the sake of getting "healed" of my depression, and "delivered" from my past. Nothing worked. I entered a crisis of faith. "If God loved me, why....???" Eventually i made it out of that dark night of my soul (with so much loving care and prayer from my husband).

The enemy of my soul would have loved for me to stay there, BUT GOD had a story to write on my life.

I leave you today with lyrics from Sara Groves. The story continues tomorrow as we fast-forward to the last year or so...
Maybe There's A Loving God by
Sara Groves             I'm trying to work things out • I'm trying to comprehend • Am I the chance result • Of some great accident • I hear a rhythm call me • The echo of a grand design • I spend each night in the backyard • Staring up at the stars in the sky • • I have another meeting today • With my new counselor • My mom will cry and say • I don't know what to do with her • She's so unresponsive • I just cannot break through • She spends all night in the backyard • Staring up at the stars and the moon • • They have a chart and a graph • Of my despondency • They want to chart a path • For self-recovery • And want to know what I'm thinking • What motivates my mood • To spend all night in the backyard • Staring up at the stars and the moon • • Maybe this was made for me • For lying on my back in the middle of a field • Maybe that's a selfish thought • Or maybe there's a loving God • • Maybe I was made this way • To think and to reason and to question and to pray • And I have never prayed a lot • But maybe there's a loving God • • Maybe this was made for me • For lying on my back in the middle of a field • Maybe that's a selfish thought • Or maybe there's a loving God • • Maybe I was mad this way • To think and to reason and to question and to pray • And I have never prayed a lot • But maybe there's a loving God • • And that may be a foolish thought • Or maybe there is a God • And I have never prayed a lot • But maybe there's a loving God • •

When i first heard this song, years ago, it just resonated with me. i did this. i was drawn to the safety of the night sky as a teen, and would really wonder these things...

telling the story...

Sunday morning i was out in the "milling around area" of our church before service began, when i walked up to a table, wondering if it was a class i had been interested in taking. Anyway, a sweet sister in Christ was looking at me...and said "something is so different about you."
me: "God has healed me!"
her: "I can just see it in your eyes. There is a calm and a peace there that i haven't seen there before."

Isn't God good! He heals, and makes it evident to others around us what He has done!

After that, i was blessed with the opportunity to share my story of healing with a dear friend in the library. she works in there, and i knew i had to tell her what God had done. The Lord kept that library quiet the ENTIRE time we talked (she works in it first hour), and she told me it is RARELY that quiet in there!  We both shed tears of joy for what God has done in my life.

Later that afternoon, i went to talk to a neighbor friend. We talked for a bit and both shared what God had been doing, and it was a beautiful hour of fellowship.

So, guess what? Later that night, i can seriously tell you i had some kick-back from the enemy of my soul. How did i withstand it? i took all of the promises of God and just lambasted that little devil! he no longer can possess the land of my mind, and i am feeling it! But God is more powerful than anything, and HE HAS OVERCOME!

i know, i allude to this "story" of mine...well, it isn't mine really. It is God's. God's story that He has written on my life.

Next post, i will begin to share of the goodness of our Great God in His amazing healing touch on my life!

Psalm 40

This came up in the sermon today, and it was so fitting. This is precisely what God did for me! i cried tears of joy at the salvation of our great God..

 ¹ I waited patiently for the LORD;
         And He inclined to me,
         And heard my cry.
 ² He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,  {or a slimy pit, in some versions}
         Out of the miry clay,
         And set my feet upon a rock,
         And established my steps.
 ³ He has put a new song in my mouth—
         Praise to our God;
         Many will see it and fear,
         And will trust in the LORD.

Hallelujah! He is so amazingly good! He confirms His work with His Word!
        

for today...

i am compelled to say YOU are precious to our Father! You are cherished in the Beloved. His desire is for you to know how special you are! He LOVES you, and not just loves you, but LOVES YOU! It is not based on what you do, have done, or will do. He just LOVES you...

Sweet one, know and rest in that today. You are His!

Throughout the weekend, say a few times a day "You love me"...this was suggested by Susie Larson at the Restore Conf. i was at, and it has been my "thing" since. If i start feeling worthless..."You love me." If i am feeling neglected..."You love me." If i am feeling lonely..."YOU love me, and all my need is met in YOU alone!" There is NO room for the enemy of my soul once i confess that and worship Him for His perfect love for me.

Precious one, HIS grace IS sufficient for every minute of every day. His love is strong enough to carry you through the storm, and keep you in the quiet moments.
   

"The LORD your God in your midst,
      The Mighty One, will save;
      He will rejoice over you with gladness,
      He will quiet you with His love,
      He will rejoice over you with singing.”  ~Zephaniah 3:17

Say it aloud......... YOU LOVE ME!!!  Thank you Lord Jesus!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifeJRC5lvhs  take a moment to listen and worship..

As always, i love to hear your beautiful thoughts.

Who's Grace??

"My grace is sufficient for thee."  2 Corinthians 12:9

I absolutely love this story from C. H. Spurgeon:

'The other evening I was riding home after a heavy day's work. I felt very wearied, and sore depressed, when swiftly, and suddenly as a lightning flash, that text came to me, "My grace is sufficient for thee." I reached home and looked it up in the original, and at last it came to me in this way, "MY grace is sufficient for thee"; and I said, "I should think it is, Lord," and burst out laughing.

 I never fully understood what the holy laughter of Abraham was until then. It seemed to make unbelief so absurd. It was as though some little fish, being very thirsty, was troubled about drinking the river dry, and Father Thames said, "Drink away, little fish, my stream is sufficient for thee." 
Or it seemed after the seven years of plenty, a mouse feared it might die of famine; and Joseph might say,'Cheer up, little mouse, my granaries are sufficient for thee."

Again, I imagined a man away up yonder, in a lofty mountain, saying to himself, "I breathe so many cubic feet of air every year, I fear I shall exhaust the oxygen in the atmosphere," but the earth might say, "Breathe away, O man, and fill the lungs ever, my atmosphere is sufficient for thee."

Oh, brethren, be great believers! Little faith will bring your souls to Heaven, but great faith will bring Heaven to your souls.'

For now, my comments will be null...This story speaks volumes! What are your thoughts? Have you struggled with believing that His grace IS sufficient?

Coming Undone

I imagine a woman getting ready for a party in the Victorian era. Tightening her corset...tighter and tighter, until she thinks she will faint. But at last! Her waist is thinner than that other woman's. Now for her posy...perfectly picked to have just the right fragrance and color. Because of course everyone will like her if she has a small waist and the prettiest posy attached...right?? 

Acceptance is defined, per dictionary.com

 ac·cept·ance [ak-sep-tuhns]  –noun

1. the act of taking or receiving something offered.

2. favorable reception; approval; favor.

3. the act of assenting or believing: acceptance of a theory.

4. the fact or state of being accepted or acceptable.

6. Commerce .

a. an engagement to pay an order, draft, or bill of exchange when it becomes due, as by the person on whom it is drawn.

b. an order, draft, etc., that a person or bank has accepted as calling for payment and has thus promised to pay.

I have worn the "corset" that our Victorian lady wears. Not literally, but figuratively. I believe that we all have. My corset looked something like performance. "If I (fill in the blank) perfectly, then you will accept me. Maybe not love me, but at least accept me." I found myself being "tightened" in my corset to the point of suffocation. It disguised who I really was, until I realized that I didn't know who I really was. Simply put, I became whoever you needed me to be at that moment.

That one word, "Acceptance", can bring up memories we would rather forget. It can also bring to our minds what lengths we go to in order to be accepted, or to be deemed "acceptable".

Over the past 2 months, God has faithfully caused everything I tried to do to be accepted and acceptable to fall completely flat! Everything I did to be loved or lovable fell apart. In the past, I have always been able to "recover" after a breakdown, or an emotional day. Last week, the unthinkable happened: i. couldn't. do. it.
I could not, for the life of me, save myself from the pit. I was, in fact, throwing more slime on myself, in the pit, believing every lie the enemy of my soul could dish out. This blog is my story of coming out of the pit, by God's hand, and at the GREAT NAME of Jesus Christ.

i. am. come. undone.

a beautiful mess.

God is putting me back together, piece by broken piece, with complete healing in His wings.

I thank you in advance for taking time to read my story of RECLAMATION. By His grace, I WILL POSSESS THE LAND!