F-R-E-E !!

I am just havin' this in my head! my girls got this for Christmas, and i LOVE this song! i am all about singin' it OUT and LOUD!!!

my Sis and Me

This is from our cookie bake this weekend. Had SO much fun with my Family... Mom (Pam), Shelli (sis) & Tim, and Amber, Kelsey, Sha, Dakota, Parker, and all my kiddos: Hudson, Jeremiah, Magdalene, and Grace. 


Goes down in history as just one of the BEST! seriously ;-)

Hub-Bub

hopefully this is not what you are looking like, or feeling like. 


yes. it is December 8th. Seventeen days til the 25th. 


if you are on facebook, you have read the posts of what everyone has been doing. how crazy things are. how frantic their days and weekends are. 
All the hub-bub, for lack of  a better description. 


But i wonder...


What if we didn't: stress, over-spend, over-plan, over-indulge, over- ____?


What if we actually took the time to savor? to recall that, although it is not the ACTUAL day that our Savior, Jesus Christ, was born, it is a season that we remember His coming? And in this focused time of remembering, we can't help but realize that He came to seek and to save that which was lost (you and me), to die a violent death as the price for our sins, and to rise from the grave on the 3rd day. 


Lately i have been absolutely struck by those who were present at the birth of our King. Think about it: Who was there? Mary (duh), Joseph, maybe a female "helper" from the inn, some animals, and.... some shepherds. 

from the book Fit For a King, which
my husband, Brian York, illustrated

shepherds. 


a despised, low-class group of people. they smelled like sheep (oh yes they did!). They were tough. They knew sheep. THEY were the ones who were there THE NIGHT Christ was born. an angel appeared to the shepherds out in the fields of Bethlehem. The shepherds were "sore afraid." In today's words, they were terrified! these shepherds were tough men, able to fight off packs of wolves, panthers, bears, and thieves. These men were MANLY men. you didn't mess with a shepherd. 


Yet these tough men (and maybe women, as there were some shepherdesses), were SORE AFRAID. okay then. The angel had to say to them “Do not be afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people; for today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.” (Luke 2:10-12)
After that, the sky filled with a myriad of angels singing:

"Glory to God in the highest, 

And on earth peace, 

goodwill toward men!”

Just soak that in. here the angels of the Most High God appeared to the lowliest shepherds, who were despised among men, and told them to REJOICE! for the Savior had come! Think forward to how Christ Himself was despised and rejected, and is called the Good Shepherd, the Chief Shepherd, the Shepherd of our souls. 

Here, the shepherds' response (Luke 2:15-20):

When the angels had gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds began saying to one another, “Let us go straight to Bethlehem then, and see this thing that has happened which the Lord has made known to us.”  So they came in a hurry and found their way to Mary and Joseph, and the baby as He lay in the manger. When they had seen this, they made known the statement which had been told them about this Child. And all who heard it wondered at the things which were told them by the shepherds. But Mary treasured all these things, pondering them in her heart. The shepherds went back, glorifying and praising God for all that they had heard and seen, just as had been told them.

No wonder that people wondered! the shepherds, of all people, had had the birth declared to them by angels! 

This season, i wonder if we have wondered at the fact:

 For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him. 2 Corinthians 5:21

 For Christ also suffered once for sins, the just for the unjust, that He might bring us to God, being put to death in the flesh but made alive by the Spirit.. 1 Peter 3:18

 I am the good shepherd; and I know My sheep, and am known by My own. As the Father knows Me, even so I know the Father; and I lay down My life for the sheep. John 10:14-15

This season, let's intentionally slow down. let's be different. let's be focused.


I close with a quote from Michael Card's book A Violent Grace:

"Jesus was born to die...so that I could be born again to new life. It is the miracle of a violent grace: God securing for us the priceless treasures of His grace---One violence at a time. Will you open your heart to receive now these costly gifts from your loving Savior?"

A Great Devotional

From Frances Ridley Havergal's Evening Thoughts:

Midnight Rememberings.

'When I remember Thee upon my bed.' Psalm 63:6

Memory is never so busy as in the quiet time while we are waiting for sleep; and never, perhaps, are we more tempted to useless recollections and idle reveries than 'in the night watches.' Perhaps we have regretfully struggled against them; perhaps yielded to effortless indulgence in them, and thought we could not help it, and were hardly responsible for 'vain thoughts' at such times. But here is full help and bright hope. This night let us 'remember Thee.' We can only remember what we already know; oh praise Him then, that we have material for memory!

There is enough for all the wakeful nights of a lifetime in the one work 'Thee.' It leads us straight to 'His own self;' dwelling on that one word, faith, hope, and love, wake up and feed and grow. Then the holy remembrance, wrought by His Spirit, widens. For 'we will remember the name of the Lord our God,' in its sweet and manifold revelations. 'I will remember the years and 'the works of the Lord.' 'Surely I will remember Thy wonders of old.' Most of all 'we will remember Thy love,' the everlasting love of our Father, the 'exceeding great love of our Master and only Saviour,' the gracious, touching love of our Comforter. And the remembrance of all this love will include that of its grand act and proof, 'Thou shalt remember that....Jehovah thy God redeemed thee.'

Perhaps we know what it is to feel peculiarly weary-hearted and dispirited 'on our beds.' But when we say, O my God, my soul is cast down within me;' let us add at once, 'Therefore will I remember Thee.'

And what then? what comes of thus remembering Him? 'My soul' (yes, your soul) 'shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness, and my mouth shall praise Thee with joyful lips: when I remember Thee upon my bed, and meditate on Thee in the night watches.' What can be a sweeter, fuller promise than this!---our heart's desire fulfilled in abundant satisfaction and joyful power of praise! Yet there is a promise sweeter and more thrilling still to the loving, longing heart. 'Thou meetest....those that remember Thee in Thy ways.' And so, this very night, as you put away the profitless musings and memories, and remember Him upon your bed, He will keep His word and meet you. The darkness shall be verily the shadow of His wing, for our feeble, yet Spirit-given remembrance, shall be met by His real and actual presence, for 'hath He said and shall He not do it? ' Let us pray that this night ' the desire of our soul' may be 'to Thy name, and to the remembrance of Thee.'

verses quoted : Psalm 17:3, 20:7, 77:10-11, Deut. 15:15, Psalm 42:6, 63:5-6

ack!

it has been so long since i posted, and we (hubby and i) have walked through SO much since i last posted! i am now Homeschooling our eldest child.... a  grand adventure!

I am hoping to schedule time to blog, but we shall have to see. so much growth has been happening too in our lives.

I am also going to be combining this blog with another one i do, to limit my stress :)  So, if you had followed The Frugal Year, it will now be here as well...

blessings!

"Do Thou for Me"

But do thou for me, O GOD the Lord, for thy name's sake: because thy mercy is good, deliver thou me. Psalm 109:21

I recently read a devotional from F.R. Havergal. It is from her excellent work Royal Bounty. I found myself praying it just last night, when i had reached the end of my own resources in many situations..."Do Thou for me, O GOD!" Below, the writings of Ms. Havergal, which were so challenging and inspiring...

Do Thou for Me.
'Do Thou for Me.' --Ps. cix. 21.

The Psalmist does not say what he wanted God to do for him. He leaves it open. So this most restful prayer is left open for all perplexed hearts to appropriate 'according to their several necessities.' And so we leave it open for God to fill up in His own way.

Only a trusting heart can pray this prayer at all: the very utterance of it is an act of faith. We could not ask any one whom we did not know intimately and trust implicitly to 'do' for us, without even suggesting what.

Only a self-emptied heart can pray it. It is when we have come to the end of our own resources, or rather, come to see that we never had any at all, that we are willing to accept the fact that we can 'do nothing,' and to let God do everything for us.

Only a loving heart can pray it For nobody likes another to take them and their affairs in hand, and 'do' for them, unless that other is cordially loved. We might submit to it, but we should not like it, and certainly should not seek it.

So, if we have caught at this little prayer as being just what we want, just what it seems a real rest to say, I think it shows that we do trust in Him and not in ourselves, and that we do love Him really and truly. There is sure to be a preface to this prayer. 'Neither know we what to do' (2Chron.20:12). Perhaps we have been shrinking from being brought to this. Rather let us give thanks for it. It is the step down from the drifting wreck on to the ladder still hanging at the side. Will another step be down into the dark water? Go on, a little lower still, fear not! The next is, 'We know not what we should pray for' (Rom. 8:26). Now we have reached the lowest step. What next? 'Do Thou for me.' This is the step into the Captain's boat. Now He will cut loose from the wreck of  our efforts, ladder and all will be left behind, and we have nothing to do but to 'sit still' and let Him take us to our 'desired haven,' probably steering quite a different course from anything we should have thought best. Not seldom 'immediately the ship is at the land whither' we went.  

  What may we, from His own word, expect in answer to this wide petition?

 1. 'What His soul desireth, even that He doeth' (Job 23:13). Contrast this with our constantly felt inability to do a hundredth part of what we desire to do for those we love. Think of what God's desires must be for us, whom He so loves, that He spared not His own Son.  'That He doeth!'

2. 'He performeth the thing that is appointed for me' (Job 23:14). This is wonderfully inclusive; one should read over all the epistles to get a view of the things present and future, seen and unseen, the grace and the glory that He has appointed for us. It includes also all the 'good works which God hath before ordained, that we should walk in them.' It will not be our performance of them, but His; for He 'worketh in you to will and to do,' (Phil.2:13). and 'Thou also hast wrought all our works in us.' (Isa. 26:12).  

3. The beautiful old translations says, He 'shall perform the cause which I have in hand.' (Psalm 57:2<possibly the Geneva Bible>). Does not that make it very real to us to-day? Just the very thing that 'I have in hand,' my own particular bit of work to-day--this cause that I cannot manage, this thing that I undertook in miscalculation of my own power, this is what I may ask Him to do 'for me,' and rest assured that He will perform it.  'The wise and their works are in the hand of God!'

4. He 'performeth all things for me.' (Psalm 57:2). Does He mean as much as this? Well, He has caused it to be written for us 'that we might have hope;' (Romans 15:4) and what more do we want? Then let Him do it. Let Him perform all things for us.

Not some things, but all things; or the very things which we think there is no particular need fro Him to perform will be all failures--wood, hay, and stubble to be burnt up. One by one let us claim this wonderful word; 'the thing of a day in his day,' 'as the matter shall require,' being always brought to Him with the God-given petition, "Do Thou for me.'

Do not wait to feel very much 'oppressed' before you say, 'O Lord, undertake for me.' (Isaiah 38:14).  Far better say that at first than at last, as we have too often done! Bring the prayer in one hand, and the promises in the other, joining them in the faith-clasp of 'Do as Thou hast said!' (2 Samuel 8:2). And put both the hands into the hand of Him whom the Father heareth always, saying, 'Do Thou for me, O Lord God, for Thy name's sake,' for the sake of Jehovah-Jesus, the mighty God, the everlasting Father, yet the Saviour of sinners.  

It was long...but wasn't it worth the read? i now find myself crying out..."Do Thou for me, O Lord, my God!!"

With All Your Heart

last time, we looked at the first four words of Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the LORD...". What an amazing 4 words, and how challenging they can be for us to live out.

today, we turn to the rest of Proverbs 3:5 "...with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding."

with all your heart. 
ALL.
holding nothing back.
fully, totally, utterly.
not just in part, but in whole.

if you are anything like me, maybe you would say that you do trust Him with ALL your heart. but then maybe you find yourself trying to figure your way out of a situation that is impossible.
or you worry.
ouch.
it says "Trust in the LORD with ALL your heart..."
there is no room for worry or anxiety there. not if we TRULY trust Him, with ALL our hearts.

if there is anxiety or worry after we have given it all over to Jesus, we need to pray for the Holy Spirit to show us where we are not trusting, to show us where in our heart are we not letting Him be Lord...

1 Peter 5:7 says this:  "casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you."
we aren't supposed to just cast a little bit of our care on Him...NO! ALL of our cares on Him, and then TRUST Him with ALL our hearts to work it out according to His will, because He cares for us. What a precious promise from His most excellent Word. and because we know that He cares for us, we need not lean on our own way of doing things, our own understanding of a situation, on our own wisdom (or what we think is our wisdom). HE cares for us. HE see's the big picture. HE is caring for us in His most perfect way.

i am working through this. being pruned. most definitely. and it hurts, but it is good, and necessary for growth.

may we embrace and trust the Lord Jesus Christ with ALL our hearts this day.

Who Do You Trust

"Trust in the LORD..." So starts Proverbs 3:5. And that is as far as we are gonna get today.

i wonder, who do you trust? i mean, really trust? Who do you go to when things are going south, real quick? Lately i have been asking myself these questions. and not really liking the answers.

i propose to all of us, that the first thing we need to do when things are going south is to go to our Father in heaven, who is ALWAYS (and i mean ALWAYS) there. If i lean into this verse, just the first 4 words, i realize that i need to show i have put my trust in Him by going to Him in any and every situation. Hmmm.

One of the marks of Christianity is our trust in Jesus Christ, God the Father, and the Holy Spirit. That He will lead, guide, redeem, restore, forgive, sustain. When we look to other things, or people, we show that we don't truly trust Him with our everything.

Why can we trust Christ?

Francis Havergal writes:

Ye belong to Christ. Mark 9:41

There is no vague and general belonging to Christ. This relationship is full of specific realities. "I am Thine" means, "Truly I am Thy servant. I am one of Thy dear children. I am Thy chosen soldier. I am Thy ransomed one. I am Thy own sheep. I am Thy witness. I am Thy Friend." And all these are but Amens to His own condescending declarations. He says we are all these, and we have only to say, "Yes, Lord, so I am." Why should we ever contradict Him?

"I am Thy friend." wow...if we truly believed that, we would go to Him FIRST in everything that pops up in our day. We can trust Him. Has He ever shown Himself other than Faithful and True, Trustworthy?

"Trust in the LORD" is what we must do, dear ones. We need to go to Jesus first with all of our hurts and sorrows, as well as with all of our joys and hopes. and we must go to Him BEFORE we go to the phone, facebook, email, or twitter. Let Him soothe. We will find ourselves refreshed. We will find that our tongues are less quick to spew out poisonous darts. We will find our TRUE PEACE.

So, Dear One, lets trust in the LORD, for He has said that we belong to Him, and we know that He is completely trustworthy (even with those very delicate areas of our hearts).

Now You're Talkin'

i have been sitting in some stuff lately. pondering, really. thinkin' about what gets my time. my energy. my thoughts.

know what i discovered?

i think about a lot of stuff i don't need to think about! 

i read a devotional book called Unopened Treasures by the late Francis Ridley Havergal. She is one gifted writer! seriously on the level with Spurgeon, in a woman's world.

she has been talking about Trust. Worry. Being kept by Christ.

 Oh.My.Stars.

Can we say.....MAJOR CONVICTION ?!?!



i could just post her thoughts. let you sit in it too. but as i sit, i am processing. i am thinking. i am praying.

and wouldn't you know, the sermon on Sunday was ALL.ABOUT. TRUST.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding; 
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths. 

~Proverbs 3:5-6

this verse was the topic Sunday. Now we're talkin'!! there will be more to come....i promise. but i leave you with the above verse to ponder. 



Belonging

So, we celebrated 14 years of marriage yesterday. Wow...quite a feat these days, if i do say so myself. We spent a wonderful afternoon, visiting old haunts, chatting, eating, and laughing. Sharing future dreams. My sweet man opened up about things he had been thinking about doing, and was surprised at my enthusiasm and joy in his prospects!

Over dessert, we talked (i talked) about my own "stuff", and i can honestly say, that for the first time in my life, i feel like i belong somewhere. For my entire life i have chased after this deep-seated desire to belong. OH, what lengths we go to in order to "fit in" as you say!

i know that i belong and have belonging with Christ Jesus.

But don't we all long to belong on the personal level too? i know i have. and i have jumped through hoops, people-pleased, sacrificed, etc. in order to belong.

Last night was wonderful. Affirming. Full of faithfulness, trust, and openness. i know i belong. i know i am loved. i know i can finally stop striving, and just rest.

Rest in the love my husband has for me. Rest in the place of belonging. Rest in Christ.

AH!! What joy there is when you can finally take a deep breath, without fear, trusting in the faithfulness of a love so true.

Love or Torment?

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us.           

 ~ 1 John 4:18-19

You just read the verse that the Lord used to bring me that freedom from fear. It was just this Monday morning, and i was still really thinking about the worship time on Sunday. See here for more on that.

Now, we know this verse. It is often said. Well, the first part is. i have heard this verse SO often quoted, while leaving out the second part of verse 18, "because fear involves torment." Why do we leave this part out? i propose because it doesn't sound as pretty, or nice, as the first part. We can accept that we should not have fear in love, but do we ever think of what fear itself involves? Not much, as we rarely quote the last half of the verse.

The word "torment" really struck me on Monday. i had to sit on it for awhile. to process. to absorb all the implications of what my fear really was....it was torment. And should i, a Christ-one, be living with torment? Should you?

Dictionary.com defined torment this way:

tor-ment

as a verb

1. to afflict with great bodily or mental suffering; pain: to be tormented with violent headaches.

2. to worry or annoy excessively: to torment one with questions.

3.to throw into commotion; stir up; disturb.

as a noun

4.a state of great bodily or mental suffering; agony; misery.

5.something that causes great bodily or mental pain or suffering.

6. a source of much trouble, worry, or annoyance.

7. an instrument of torture, as the rack or the thumbscrew.

8. the infliction of torture by means of such an instrument or the torture so inflicted.

Those are some pretty strong words. Do we realize that when we are walking in fear, we are tormented? To be completely honest, when i am fearing, i am excessively worried, disturbed, in mental pain. My mind is tortured with all the thoughts of what could be. and i definitely suffer from headaches from all of my anxiousness.

And guess who is pleased-as-punch when we are living our lives with fear? yep. The enemy of our souls. This is most certainly not living in the perfect love of our God and Father; the perfect love of Jesus Christ.

i'll tell you what...this is one woman who is DONE being tormented by fears! i don't know what the future will hold. i don't know what my life will look like down the road. But i KNOW i can trust and depend on the amazing strength and salvation on Jesus Christ, my Saviour, the One who knows the future of all. i know that i can rest in the perfect love that the Father has for me. Jeremiah 31:3 states:

The LORD has appeared of old to me, saying: “ Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love;
Therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you."

Isaiah 43:1-2 holds precious promises for the things that may be fear-inducing:

But now, thus says the LORD, who created you, O Jacob,
And He who formed you, O Israel:

“ Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by your name;
You are Mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you."

Oh, Dear Christ-one's, let us  take Him at His most perfect Word and claim His promises for us. Let us walk into the land like Joshua, without fear! We have a Strong Deliverer on our side....ALWAYS!!

Fear is Knocking

Sunday morning. Church. Worship. Singing praises to our Lord and God. Joyful.

Then, it happens...

Our worship leader decided to preach for a couple minutes (which i welcome). First words out of his mouth were something like this: "You know, as Christians, we have nothing to fear. No reason to be afraid. We are in Christ, and don't have to fear anything." As i said earlier, it went on for a couple minutes. Now, to some, this was no new news.

To me, it was everything.

My husband and i had just been talking a few nights before this about this very topic. Yep. Fear. More specifically, i was talking about my fears. How i realized i had some pretty big ones recently. Some big ones that had knocked on my door, and i let in.

Like...
how insecure i am in my friendships. Afraid they will leave me.

Insecure in my marriage. Afraid he will leave me.

Get the theme here?

My hubby loves me. Really loves me. And deeply desires that i could rest in his love for me. i yearn for that rest. After Sunday, i realized i had to make a choice, not based on my feelings (fear), but based on the FACTS. My husband loves me and does not want to leave me. I choose to believe this. I trust Christ in him. My Babe honors me and loves me like Christ loves the Church...and i will rest in that :)

In talking with a friend about my insecurities in my friendships, i realized that i am called to love and serve the way Christ loved and served Judas. I am NOT saying my friends are like Judas! i am saying that Christ knew who would betray him, and loved him the same. yep. washed his feet even. If anyone ever had reason to fear that His friends would abandon him, it was Christ, because they all did! Yet He did NOT fear. He trusted and obeyed and did what the Father told Him to do.

So, after our worship pastor preached, we started singing a new song. The music started. The words went up on the screen. And i was frozen. i could not sing. Tears were streaming down my face. My number had been called...God had a meeting with me! Here are the lyrics (i could finally sing for the 2nd chorus!):

 Always by Kristian Stanfill (click name for video)

My foes are many, they rise against me
But I will hold my ground
I will not fear the war, I will not fear the storm
My help is on the way, my help is on the way
Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear, His promise is true
My God will come through always, always
Troubles surround me, chaos abounding
My soul will rest in YouI will not fear the war, I will not fear the storm
My help is on the way, my help is on the wayOh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear, His promise is true
My God will come through always, always

I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord
I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord
I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord
I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord
From You Lord, from You Lord
Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear, His promise is true
My God will come through always, alwaysOh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always, always

~ amen ~

next post, the verse God used Monday ;) as He always confirms His work, with His Word.

Unruffled Gladness

Opened Treasures, compiled by Pell, William JTaken from Opened Treasures, 1st edition, July 22nd:

PREPARED FOR HIS APPOINTMENTS

Thy servants are ready to do whatsoever my

 lord the king shall appoint.  2 Samuel 15:15

This is the secret of steady and unruffled gladness in "the business of the Lord, and the service of the King," whether we are "over the treasures of the house of God," or, "for the outward business over Israel."  It makes all the difference! If we are really, and always, and equally ready to do whatsoever the King appoints, all the trials and vexations arising from any change in His appointments, great or small, simply do not exist.

If He appoints me to work there, shall I lament that I am not to work here?

If He appoints me to wait indoors today, am I to be annoyed because I am not to work out-of-doors?

If I meant to write His messages this morning, shall I grumble because He sends interrupting visitors, rich or poor, to whom I am to speak them, or "show kindness" for His sake, or at least obey His command, "Be courteous"?

If all my members are really at His disposal, why should I be put out if today's appointment is some simple work for my hands or errands for my feet, instead of some seemingly more important doing of head or tongue?

The "whatsoever" is not necessarily active work. It may be waiting (whether half an hour or half a lifetime), learning, suffering, sitting still. But, dear fellow-servants of "my Lord the King," shall we be less ready for these, if any of them are His appointements for today? "Whatsoever the king did pleased all the people." "Ready" implies something of preparation--not being taken by surprise. So let us ask Him to prepare us for all that He is preparing for us. And may "the hand of God give" us "one heart to do the commandment of the King"!

Speak to me by name, O Master, let me know it is to me;

Speak, that I may follow faster, with a step more firm and free...

~all of the above written by Francis R. Havergal

This was a challenging word to me this morning, as i am one who tends to get annoyed when plans change. Through this i am beginning to understand that my time is the Lord's, to do with as HE see's fit. Deeply do i desire "unruffled gladness" in His service, even if it means a change in "my" plans..



Worship

Do you ever have a Sunday where you feel like you could go home after the worship time, having been totally challenged in your thinking? Sometimes the sermon is a bonus...

Sunday we were singing a song that has a refrain that goes like this at the end: "we lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes..You're the giver of life..". as i was singing that part, i heard softly "My child, lift up your eyes to me, and I will lift you up. I am the giver of life."

Now, i know this. This is nothing ne to me. But it finally made the journey from my mind to my heart. Tears sprang up as i realized i had been looking to other things to give me life and to fill me up. i was choosing anxiety and worry, over trusting prayer. i was choosing how i wanted things to go, over the Sovereignty of my Lord and God. Let's just say that i was challenged to my core. Grateful that He would chasten me. Thankful that i can look up and He is waiting there.

Corrie TenBoom was known for always having her eyes to the sky, watching for her Saviour to return on the clouds. May that be how i live my own life. Ever watching, Ever waiting, Ever Trusting.

Trust Him to Keep

i am simply posting the devotion from the 28th from my book Opened Treasures by Francis Ridley Havergal. i am continuing to chew on the profound truths of this excellent entry. (bolds and italics in the entry are mine...also, remember that she was English, so some words may be spelled differently).

June 28

Our Lips For Him

The lips of the righteous feed many...The lips of the righteous know what is acceptable.

   Proverbs 10:21, 32

The days are past forever when we said, "Our lips are our own." Now we know that they are not our own. And yet how many of my readers often have the miserable consciousness that they have "spoken unadvisedly with their lips!" How many pray, "Keep the door of my lips," when the very last thing they think of expecting is that they will be kept! They deliberately make up their minds that hasty word, or foolish words, or exaggerated words, according to their respective temptations, must and will slip out of that door, and that it can't be helped. The extent of the real meaning of their prayer was merely that not quite so many might slip out. As their faith went no farther, the answer went no farther, and so the door was not kept. Do let us look the matter straight in the face. Either we have committed our lips to our Lord, or we have not. This question must be settled first. If not, oh, do not let another hour pass! Take them to Jesus, and ask Him to take them. But when you have committed them to Him, it comes to this--is He able or is He not able to keep that which you have committed to Him? If He is not able, of course you may as well give up at once, for your own experience has abundantly proved that you are not able, so there is no help for you. But if He is able--nay, thank God there is no if on this side!--say, rather, as He is able, where was this inevitable necessity of perpetual failure? You have been fancying yourself virtually doomed and fated to it, and therefore you have gone on in it, while all the time His arm was not shortened that it could not save, but you have been limiting the Holy One of Israel. Honestly, now, have you trusted Him to keep your lips this day? Trust necessarily implies expectation that what we have intrusted will be kept. If you have not expected Him to keep, you have not trusted. You may have tried and tried very hard, but you have not trusted, and therefore you have not been kept and your lips have been the snare of your soul (Proverbs 18:7).

I have been very challenged by this, and not just with my lips. What other things have i prayed for Him to 'keep', but not really believing He DOES keep them completely. 

What are your thoughts on this?



Aiming for...

Recently i have been thinking about what i am aiming for. There are many things i do, and sometimes it seems that none of them are done well. Can you relate?

i blog. i love to write. but do you think i can get on here and post as often as i would like? No. Four children keep me busy. Yet, i find i long to write. Maybe i entered the blogosphere a bit too early and with ambitions that were set too high. So, in anonymity i will stay, thankful for the ones that do read what i write, even though i don't do it often enough =)

i am a mom. There are plenty of times that i feel like i don't do this well, because i have been chasing after an image of a perfect mom that does not exist. i do not own year-passes to any museums. i don't do super-mom crafts at home with my cheribs, because i generally don't have the patience to do it. But i DO love them, snuggle with them, dance with them, laugh and cry with them, let them dig in the back of the yard, and buy venus flytraps. Somehow, that seems to be enough for them, so why does it not seem enough according to society? It is time to scale back and get back to the basics. But that is another post!

i am also a wife, sister, friend, daughter, business owner, etc...

Within each of these roles i was aiming to be the best (in my own strength, i think) and feeling like i was falling short. Unfortunately i am a recovering Perfectionist. If you are one, you know that you want to do everything perfectly, and if you can't do it with perfection, you just don't do it (you should see my kitchen...um, yeah). What to do?

STOP! Stop being perfectionistic. Stop depending on my own ability! i heard something recently that really made me think...What am i aiming for? To be approved of by men? To be accepted by everyone? To be the best? And what is my motivation? ouch.

I have made a turn. The Holy Spirit has really been convicting me, and i know now that i need to AIM TO GIVE GOD GLORY IN ANY AND EVERY SITUATION. To revisit the verse about doing all to the glory of God...

So no matter what role i am in, my goal is to bring glory to my Lord and Saviour =)   

Sometimes...

in my last post i talked about standing strong. can i just say that sometimes it is HARD to Stand Strong?

Things happen. Life goes on. Things are said. And yet, we are to Stand Strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. How are we to react/respond when tempted to give-up? We are to press on. Let His joy be our strength, as in the book of Nehemiah "The joy of the Lord is your strength".  What about when we fall, and we haven't stood strong? We can confess our sins, and He who has called us is faithful and just to forgive us of our sins.  What aobut when we are faced with slanderers/deceivers? There is anger that rises up within us when slander happens. And yet, we are to forebear. Confront if we can with love and boldness, but if we can't...forebear, knowing that Christ is the Defender of our Soul. He is the Just Judge.

For me, i know that i need to be walking in the fruit of the Spirit..love, joy, PEACE, patience, gentleness, goodness, self-control, in the power of HIS might. It is in my weakness that His strength is perfected.

Self Control. Standing Strong, by NOT giving in to what we would REALLY like to do, or say. Standing Strong by confessing when we have fallen, and receiving the forgiveness that was already purchased for us at the cross. Standing Strong when words are said against us that are untrue.

OIY. Lord, right now i need Your strength to make me be able to Stand Strong. You alone are my Refuge. My Defender. My Shield. Blessed be Your awesome name.
~Amen.

Hopefully this made some sense... :)

for all of us...

this thought came to me last night as i was praying for my children, and i am now praying it for all of us, as Christ-ones.

   Hold Fast. Stand Strong. Stay True.

May we all Hold Fast to the Word of God. May it be our guide, and may we know it so well, that we can recognize the counterfeit.

Your word is a lamp to my feet
 And a light to my path.  Psalm 119:105

May we all Stand Strong in the days of adversity. When we are going through tough times. When we want to live by our feelings. When everything seems to be going wrong. May we be strengthened in the inner man, in Christ Jesus. May we have our feet firmly planted on the Rock of Christ.

 ¹⁶ that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory,
to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man,
¹⁷ that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; Ephesians 3:16-17a

May we all Stay True to the call of God on our lives. May we not fall prey to false doctrines, or half-truths that are making their way in to some of the churches today. May we be like Stephen, and Stay True no matter what the cost.

When they heard these things they were cut to the heart,
and they gnashed at him with their teeth. 
But he, being full of the Holy Spirit,
gazed into heaven and saw the glory of God,
 and Jesus standing at the right hand of God, 
and said, “Look! I see the heavens opened
 and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God!”
  Then they cried out with a loud voice, stopped their ears,
and ran at him with one accord;
 and they cast him out of the city and stoned him.
And the witnesses laid down their clothes
 at the feet of a young man named Saul. 
And they stoned Stephen as he was calling on God and saying,
 “Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.”
Then he knelt down and cried out with a loud voice,
 “Lord, do not charge them with this sin.”
And when he had said this, he fell asleep.  Acts 7:54-60

I pray you were encouraged as you read that :)

Acceptance

As i stated earlier, i am reading Hinds' Feet once again. This book is to me what Pilgrim's Progress is to others. i LOVE Pilgrim's Progress as well, but Hinds' Feet has spoken deeply to me.

The chapter that jumped out to me this time so far is where she has to go through the Desert of Despair. It seems to contradict everything the Shepherd has told her about going to the High Places. She actually has to turn away from the High Places, where she desperately longs to go. The Shepherd lovingly goes WITH her and shows her many things in a dark pyramid. There is the threshing floor on the first floor. Then they travel up stairs to the second floor, which has a Potter at a spinning wheel. Finally they go to the third floor, where there is a fiery furnace. Rocks go in, and beautiful gems come out. Each of those had a beautiful lesson...but that is not what struck me so much.

It was what happened after.

Much-Afraid was walking around the tent area in the evening, when she happened upon a pipe that carried water. At the water-spicket, there was just a little drop coming out every so often. She looked down, and there was a single, beautiful, golden flower catching each drop. It was the only one she had seen. Much-Afraid stoops down and questions the flower, asking it's name.

It's reply?  "I am Acceptance-with-Joy."

Hmm. Okay, Lord. Be it unto me, according to Your will. May i be Your servant, Acceptance-with-Joy.

Things happen. Life is lived in this world that seems to be spiraling out of control. We are all dealt tough blows. We can Accept them with JOY, as the best means for our growth from our Loving, ALL-Sovereign God, or we can fight against them, and HIM, and walk this world tired and weary.

Behold, Your servant, Acceptance-with-Joy.

Much-Afraid

i am re-reading Hinds' Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard. what an excellent book. it is an allegory about a crippled, disfigured girl who decides to go on a journey to the High Places with the Chief Shepherd. He chooses two companions to go with her up the mountains, and they are Sorrow and Suffering. Interesting choices, methinks. Yet, they were chosen with utmost wisdom and perfect love. i was drawn in again by the attempts of her family, the Fearlings, to keep her from being with the Shepherd, and by their plot to get her to marry her cousin, Craven Fear.

At one point in the first chapter, she is singing a beautiful song that just touched my heart last night. Here it is for your reading pleasure...

"The Song of Songs," the loveliest song, 

The song of Love the King, 

No joy on earth compares with his,

But seems a broken thing.

His Name as ointment is poured forth,

And all his lovers sing.

Draw me-I will run after thee,

Thou art my heart's one choice,

Oh, bring me to thy royal house,

To dwell there and rejoice.

There in thy presence, O my King,

To feast and hear thy voice.

Look not upon me with contempt,

Though soiled and marred I be,

The King found me-an outcast thing-

And set his love on me.

I shall be perfected by Love,

Made fair as day to see

                                  (Cant. 1:1-6)Excerpt from Hinds' Feet...Chapter One

Mine vs. Yours

Today i was reminded of an important lesson: Don't take on anothers' baggage. It isn't mine.

Things have been a bit topsy-turvey lately, and i found myself taking on responsibility for others' actions, that i should never take resposibility for, or trying to "fix" situations that are far beyond my control.  We are each responsible for ourselves.

i was struggling with carrying a very heavy burden, when i was gently reminded that i am to take on Christ's yoke, and learn from Him. Matthew 11:28-30 says

"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

Hmmm. i had to really pray this over myself today. i realized today how i had taken up someone elses "baggage" and that it was weighing me down. That is not my Lord's heart for me. His yoke is easy and light, because as i take it up, i am walking in His will. The yoke i was choosing to take upon me was heavy and impossible, because it was someone elses junk.

Today, i am now reminding myself to rest under His light and easy yoke, and to cast all my anxieties and burdens on Him, because He cares for me. He is the Blessed Controller of every circumstance, and it is not my place to "fix" things that are not mine.

thanks for listening to me today!

silence

Forgive me for the silence lately. We have dealt with the passing of my Step-dad last Saturday. Funeral is tomorrow, so i should be back at it sometime next week.

Again, sorry for the silence, but there has been NO time to do this. Be back soon.

Know that even through this all, God is working and moving!

Today

Today...
i will choose to trust in You Lord, though i don't always understand Your ways.
i will be thankful for the restoration that You have brought in important relationships in my life.
i will praise You that someone we love has found their home with You in heaven.
i will lean on Your everlasting arms for comfort, strength, and support.
i will choose to trust in You Lord.


Today, my step-father went to be with Jesus. To be in the room when someone dies is an experience one can NEVER forget. He is now resting in the everlasting Presence of Jesus Christ.

One Slow Learner :o)

The other night i was struggling with some hard news, and went to my laundry room to have some "cleaning therapy". i swept out dust from what i can only imagine were dust bunny refuges! Anyway, when i finished i went to my kitchen and thought maybe i should take a xanax. That is a fast-acting, short-lasting anit-anxiety medicine. The only medication i held on to after all was said and done.

i was about to get the bottle when i heard that still, small Voice say, "read the Bible, John 15." i was like, what? Why should i read about vines and branches! That is not what i need right now! Again i heard "John 15." So, i grabbed my Bible and started reading in John 4. i know, right? Nothin' struck me in John 4, so i went to John 15 (should have done that the first time!).

¹ “I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. ² Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit He takes away;^[a] and every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit. ³ You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you. ⁴ Abide in Me,..."

THERE it was! "Abide in Me." i got no further. THAT was exactly what i needed to hear. My head hit my Bible and i stayed like that for a good 15 minutes, praying for strength to Abide. Praying for His amazing peace. And you know what? The end result was so much comfort and peace! Better than a xanax anyday!

I may be a slow learner at times, but our God is so faithfully patient with me!

The Story...The Healing Hand of God !!

i left off with Psalm 40:1-3 in the last post, and it seems a fitting place to start this one.

 I waited patiently for the LORD;
   he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
   out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
   and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
   a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the LORD
   and put their trust in him.

This is the final post in the "official" part of The Story, but you must know that everything that takes place in my life is a part of it, so The Story never really ends, does it? God continues to write upon the fabric of my life. He continues His skillful weaving of the tapestry i call living.

The Wednesday morning i opened my heart to the healing that God wanted to bring was significant. See, Father God was continually reaching for me. But i had to choose to open up my heart and soul to receive the healing He so longed to give. i had to choose to receive the love He had for me. Knowing how suffocating the pit had become, i wanted freedom. i was willing to step out of the "comfort" of my pain, to walk in the freedom God wanted to give me.

Thursday came and went pretty much like the other days. i was still depressed, but could acknowledge that God was working. i have one very close friend that i had been missing. i was wondering how she was, and was thinking that she didn't need me anymore (pity party much? i just wanna go puke having to write that.). Well, it worked out that we talked on the phone that day and she was flying out Friday. She is the one who lives a couple hours away...Anyway, she ended up coming and spending the night (i live very close to the airport)! Do you see how much God cares about the seemingly simplest of things? He met me where i was, and brought one of my best friends to stay the night. We stayed up til 1:00am talking, and it was so good. She was excited at what God must have in store for me at Restore!

Enter Friday, February 26th, 2011.

My neighbor came with me to the conference at Faith Community Church in Hudson. Again, the conference was titled Restore, with Sara Groves and Susie Larson. i was going to get to meet my dear "internet" friends, Kristi and Carla! Excited is the best word i can use to describe how i was feeling! This conference, i knew, was where God was going to meet me. Too much had happened for Him to NOT meet me! I had said "God, You are going to speak to me at that conference. I expect to meet with You." the day i had signed up for it. And He did.

i walked in the doors of that church, and i was a mess. i looked great, but inside i was still aching and hurting. i had wanted to end my life, but didn't because i knew how selfish it was to do that. i walked in knowing i had been to the very edge of the cliff. i walked right past Carla without even realizing it! Kristi was right there holding a sign with my name on it! As soon as she saw me, she yelled out and pulled me into her loving embrace. OK, THAT WOMAN CAN HUG!! and i loved it. i teared up. She proceeded to introduce me excitedly to so many people the first 5 minutes that i felt like a superstar! It was surreal for me, how anticipated i was. Carla was right there too, as Kristi hugged me, letting me know that she had made the sign! i felt embraced, welcomed, anticipated, loved, wanted. And all this by people i had never met face-to-face before! Yep, pretty amazing. really.

We sat down, and Kristi had made a GORGEOUS sun-catcher/stained glass thing for me. It.was.amazing. She gave it to me and said "VICTORY!" i have it currently hanging in my kitchen window, above my sink, and i think that EVERY time i look at it.... "VICTORY!"

Sara Groves came on and played. Many tears were shed. Then, she came to a song that has been significant for me in past year or more, titled Like a Lake. She gave an intro to the song, and i knew right away that it was starting. God was challenging me to "lay my heart wide open..." Here are the lyrics...i wept through the entire song!

Like A Lake by Sara GROVES

so much hurt and preservation
like a tendril round my soul
so much painful information
no clear way on how to hold it

when everything in me is tightening
curling in around this ache
I will lay my heart wide open
like the surface of a lake
wide open like a lake

standing at this waters edge
looking in at God's own heart
I've no idea where to begin
to swallow up the way things are

everything in me is drawing in
closing in around this pain
I will lay my heart wide open
like the surface of a lake
wide open like a lake

bring the wind and bring the thunder
bring the rain till I am tried
when it's over bring me stillness
let my face reflect the sky
and all the grace and all the wonder
of a peace that I can't fake
wide open like a lake

everything in me is tightening
curling in around this ache
I am fighting to stay open
I am fighting to stay open
open open oh wide open
open like a lake



The song says it all. i was longing for a "peace that i can't fake" as all i had known was faking it. i needed reality, and i started crying out for it.

The rest of the concert was beautiful, really beautiful. God was working on my heart through His Holy Spirit.

Saturday morning i had no idea what to expect. Susie Larson was immediately engaging and real. She was authentic, and i admired that. She spoke of the land of Promise...all the promises of God in Christ that we have and can claim. Now, remember, i had given about 95% of my thought life over to the enemy. This was powerful stuff i was hearing. She did 3 sessions, and i wish i could just type out everything she said, but i can't. She spoke the TRUTH. My heart was open and receiving it. She talked about her own struggles from her past, which were hard. i was relating on a number of levels, as i felt like i needed to perform to get people to like me, and if i couldn't perform, i must be worthless. She said how she had felt like a failure so many times...yep. All of the major things i struggled with, she said, almost verbatim: fear of what people think, fear in relationships, fear of failure. There were times where i wondered if anyone else was there, cuz this was so tailored for me! It was that personal.

 Tears had been flowing off and on all day Saturday, but they were different. i could tell. They were cleansing, healing, releasing, tears. Susie talked about fear, and yes, she quoted 1 John 4:18. See how God was weaving it all together! i am going to list some of things she spoke about that ministered to me.

• John 13:10 ~ Jesus's identity was NOT up for grabs. He knew who He was.

• it is not what feels true, but what IS true (Truth based on facts, not feelings).
• 1 John 4:16-18
• we say "i love You Lord" so often (which is wonderful). you can also say "YOU love me" in every moment! This point was HUGE for me. very difficult for me to wrap my head around, but it has changed my life.
• We must be free of the FEAR OF MAN!  (this was my BIGGY!)
• My worth is not going to be defined by people (wowzers!). i am prized, loved, accepted, called to something bigger than myself, equipped (you cannot exhaust the supply of God), and sent.
• Who you believe you are directly affects everything you do and how you live your life today.
• "Satan wants you stuck in your labels. Jesus wants you free."  (The Samaritan Woman of John 4)
• "Marinate in the presence of the living God and streams of living water will spring up."
• "He want to go to our most vile areas and make us FREE and WHOLE!"
• "Jesus Christ is not interested in making us comfortable in our captivity. He wants us FREE."
• You are everything to Him, and nothing without Him.
• God wants to heal your wounds. (i don't know why this was so huge for me. it was like i had never believed that He really wanted me free.)
• "Self-preservation must go if we want to be set free."
• "Let yourself be known by Christ and others." This one statement has challenged me at the very core of my being, but as i have stepped out these last weeks, God has met me in BIG ways, as i am letting myself finally be known.
• I will choose to live in response to God's love, and not in reaction to my fears.
• we pass THROUGH the valley to be refined and made to be like Him.
• Psalm 106:24-25 ~ We won't take hold of those promises if we don't think they are true for us.
• Get some grit in your growl!! (loved that!)
• Some people live such benign spiritual lives that satan doesn't even want to go after them." (This was very interesting to me. Satan leaves the "lukewarm believers" alone, as they pose no threat to him. When you are living & claiming the promises of God, you become a force to be reckoned with. God is at work!)
• Go after the promises of God tenaciously. Psalm 103:1-5
• "LIVE UP TO YOUR PRIVILEGE AS A CHILD OF GOD."
• "He (God) is not bound by imperfection or unpreparedness, but bound by unbelief."
• "He loves you for who you are, NOT for what you do."
• "Hang on to the Promised Life by faith!"
• there were many others that i have not written!!

It was important to have those points clear, because this next part is all about the Truth that was spoken at the conference, and the healing that God did in my mind, spirit, soul.

At the end of the conference, Susie said she had prayed for 3 very specific groups of women that she KNEW were there. The first group was women who had been called in to some kind of leadership, but they kept ignoring it. They all stood, and she started to pray. About half-way through her prayer for them, i got that warm and prickly feeling, and i knew the next group of women would be me. Susie finished praying, and then stated that the second group of women were those who came and they were just barely hangin' on. i went to my feet, with tears streaming down my cheeks. This was it. i knew it. No more running. No more hiding. No more pretending.

Susie asked the women who were sitting by those of us who were standing to reach out to us and touch us. Sweet Kristi grabbed one of my hands, and then the other. Now, i know i was crying, and i heard another person crying who was praying for me (was it you, sweet Kristi?) and it touched me. Susie started praying. When that woman prays, all of heaven must be with her, and i believe all of hell trembles! She prayed with authority, because she had been there before, and God had given her victory. i was just bawling. i completely broke. i felt like i was going to fall, and didn't let myself though! Then, it happened.

As she prayed, and Kristi held my hands, and i sobbed, i felt as though the top of my head was gently opened up, and all of the Truth of God's Word that had been spoken that day (the bullet-points up above) just washed over me; washed over my mind and poured down in to the deepest part of my being. i could feel that something had changed. Then it was like God gently closed my head again, and i felt a literal change in my brain. i can't explain it. but it was REAL. THERE WAS A TANGIBLE CHANGE! When she was done praying, i sat down (now, i don't even remember what she prayed, God was just working during that time) and tried to understand what had just happened. i felt different. i had a peace i had never known before. i felt calm (which was VERY strange to me). At the very end of the conference i just sat there for a bit talking with Carla, and then i went home.

Even my driving was different! i was a VERY aggeressive driver. God was showing me already just how much He has changed me.

The next day was Sunday. i was getting ready for church, brushing my teeth and i walked out of the bathroom. Suddenly i realized i had forgotten to take my medication. (i was on a very low dose of zoloft, as i had been wanting to get off of it for awhile. My husband and i had agreed that i would refill my prescription and take it into the summer, since i was not doing well.) So i turned around and went to the sink. reaching for the cupboard i heard the Lord say "No. You are done." i was like, huh?  i said ok, and turned to leave the bathroom again. Then i turned around saying to myself i have to take my medicine. If i don't, the whole world will know by noon that i skipped a dose! As i reached for the cupboard again, i heard it clear as a bell "No. You are done. I have healed you." WHOA....(i am a slow learner, as you see it took TWICE before i could really understand!). i said "okay Lord. You have to do this then, as i can't do a thing without Your strength."

*******please read: i am NOT a medical professional, and going off your medication can cause serious side-affects. i had weaned myself to a very low dose (25 mg) of zoloft under my doctor's supervision. Please DO NOT take what i am writing as license to go off your medication. i cannot be held responsible for any actions you take. This is something very specific that happened to me, personally, and i would never advise anyone to just go off your medications. They are there to help balance the chemicals in your brain.**********

i waited 4 days before i told my husband, and he couldn't even tell. i had no symptoms from going off of my anti-depressant, which is another miracle. i can honestly say, one month later, that i have more peace than i have ever had before. When i was on medicine, i was numbed to some things, but i was still very chaotic in my mind. Never had REAL, LASTING peace or calm. Now, i am living in the "peace that passes all understanding" and it is ALL GLORY TO GOD!

Over the past weeks, i have had people come up to me at church and comment on how different i am. Some people that i don't even know very well. One woman looked me in the eyes and said "there is something so different about you. i can see it in your eyes. there is peace there. you are calm." That is just the testimony of one woman, but many others have commented.

A couple weeks after the conference, i was sharing The Story with a dear sister in our church library. we were both crying tears of gratefulness. i shared with her about the slimy pit i was in. Well, that morning, during communion, our Pastor read those very verses from Psalm 40.

God confirms His work with His Word!

This post was so long, but i had to conclude this main part of The Story. God is continuing to work and stretch, change and challenge, encourage and comfort me.

May His be all the Glory, Honor, and Power forevermore!
Thanks for reading. And thank you to all who have prayed for me over the years and months. God heard, and answered.  Thank you FCC in Hudson, for hosting this conference that changed my life.

please listen to this by Sara Groves. This is precisely what God has done in me, wrapped up in one song! It is worth the 4 minutes.

The Story...part 5

January is always a tough month for me. It is cold. Real cold. You don't really want to go outside, but have to. It is dark. Very dark, very early. This affects me. i always know if i can just get through January, i will be okay.

February came. i was not okay. In fact i had become worse than ever. i was hopeless. lost. depressed. I felt worthless, unlovable, purpose-less. i felt like a nobody. When i would see people, i would try my best to muster up some kind of smile, and politely pretend my way out of any questions.

Any lie the enemy of my soul would speak to me, i believed. i gave over my thought-life to him. i had some very loving people, my husband included, who would speak Truth into me, but i chose to believe the lies. i truly began to believe that i was a failure. That no one truly loved me, and they all just pretended. That i would never be able to be loved for who i really was, because who i really was was disgusting. Can you imagine living like that? Maybe you find yourself there right now. Hear me....THOSE ARE LIES OF SATAN! For me, at the time, i didn't think they were lies, but they were.

On February 17th, 2011, i sent a terribly hopeless email to my husband. i had a breakdown, and i wanted to die. He called me right away, and i just sobbed. i was venting about the house, the kids, and myself. it was one of the worst moments i can think of in recent history. Honestly, he should have come home and taken me to the hospital; the psych ward. i was that messed up mentally. But God had other plans. You see, had he known to take me to the hospital, i would have been drugged up and zoned out. Numb. And i never would have had the opportunity for healing God was preparing for me.

 Luke 22:31 ~ And the Lord said, “Simon, Simon! Indeed, Satan has asked for you, that he may sift you as wheat. ³² But I have prayed for you, that your faith should not fail; and when you have returned to Me, strengthen your brethren.” (emphasis mine)

May i say that the passage in Luke, and also the passage in Job (when satan has to get permission from God to get to Job) have helped me so much. When i was despairing, i always had a tiny inkling of hope that God would rescue me. a VERY tiny inkling. i knew these verses, and God in His amazing mercy, reminded me of them.

That breakdown was 9 days out from the conference i was going to, called Restore. Up to that day, things had been slowly being torn apart in my life. That breakdown felt like the end of  the road for me. Now, you may be thinking that surely that moment was the bottom of the barrel for me...but no, it was not. I was able to pretend during my Bible Study on Saturday morning, just long enough for everyone to leave. I then isolated myself from my family, and continued on the downward spiral. The bottom of the pit was getting slimier and slimier.

On Monday night, February 21st, i was listening to a cd by Brooke Fraser called Albertine. A song came on called C.S. Lewis Song. There were a few songs before this one that had started a stirring inside me. Then this song started, and i fell apart...

If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared

[CHORUS:]
Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me

Am I lost or just less found? On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
Cos my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become[CHORUS]

[BRIDGE:]
For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming 

The verse that is in bold up there is where i completely broke down. i must say that during this i was "with it" enough to txt a friend (the one who gave me the disc) and ask her to pray for me. She spoke truth to me, yet i was still not able to process it, so inundated with the lies had i become. I was convinced that i was lost, going the wrong way, and that i would forever stay in the place of pain, avoiding "the impending birth of who I was born to become." You see, this song cut to the quick of everything. God was calling me out to a place of healing and wholeness. He knew who He created me to be. He wanted to bring me to that place.

When the end of the song came "Hope is coming for me. Hope, He's coming for me" i was completely undone. i mean, really undone. i couldn't stop the tears. i knew i had blown it. i knew that Hope would never come for me (LIES! LIES! LIES!).

There is no pit so deep that God's love isn't deeper still to reach in and save!!

i went downstairs and sobbed. i came back up and my husband wanted to talk. the kids were all in bed, so i started trying to process all that had been going on. i realized that all my life i had perfomed in order to be loved; that since my kids cried when i served dinner, that i must be a failure as a mom too. that if my own family (of origin) who was supposed to love me unconditionally, didn't love me simply for who i was, why on earth would anybody else, who didn't "have to" love me, love me? i knew i was too defective to be lovable, or so i allowed myself to believe. My dear love tried to speak life and truth to me, but i was too far gone with the lies to hear it. i went to bed that night knowing that the end was near for me, because i could not go on living this way. My sweet man didn't know what to do. Again, this was a time i should have been taken to the hospital, but wasn't. i could not stop the tears. i could not fake it anymore. i could not muster it up, and i sat in the pit of despair and isolation willingly, all the while dumping bucket after bucket of slime on myself. It was suffocating me. It was hurting my marriage. It was affecting my children.

The next morning, Tuesday the 22nd, my alarm went off. i wake up to PraiseFM, and they NEVER play Brooke Fraser in the morning. As soon as the radio came on, it was the start of her song Shadowfeet. It is the first song on the disc i had been listening to the night before. It starts out "walking, stumbling, on these shadowfeet..." and i just lay there and listened. Tears starting coming...again. Then the DJ came on, Paulette, or PK as they call her. She is usually kinda chatty (which is fine by me). This particular morning, as soon as the song ended, she just said the verse for the day...She read this:

 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us. 1 John 4:18-19

i have no idea what she said after that. i was sobbing. that was it. God had spoken. Very clearly i heard Him speak to my spirit "you are terrified in your love relationships. you are terrified in any relationship. you are terrified in your relationship with Me. I want you to walk confident in My love for you."  i completely fell apart. Remember when pain is likened to an onion? Well, this was the final layer. i knew it. i knew that God had spoken to me, and i had a choice to make. i could recieve His word, and move forward in freedom and healing, or reject it and end up nowhere. i would love to say that i immediately opened my heart up to the healing.

but i didn't.

You can get comfortable in your pain. It is scary to take the step needed for healing, because you have no idea what freedom and healing are like. It is unknown. And as crazy as it sounds, i didn't know if i was willing to leave my comfort-zone of pain and sorrow. crazy, i know. but true.

All day Tuesday you can imagine how miserable i was, knowing that healing was available if i would open my heart to it. Knowing that God had spoken to my spirit through His Word, but rejecting it. i was a miserable wretch. So, what did i do? Sank deeper in the pit, of course. More slime, please...

My husband and i talked again, and i tried explaining things. i must have sounded insane. i don't know. He was incredibly worried about me, and didn't know what to do. i didn't know what to do.

Wednesday morning, things changed. i was at the table dutifully reading some book and my Bible was right there, when it happened. First, you must understand i am a VERY conservative Christian. No strange mamsy-pamsy things for me. None of that crazy stuff...so what i am about to share was just significant.  As i said, the music of Sara Groves has ministered to me in EVERY area of my life. i had on her cd Add to the Beauty when the song It's Gonna Be Alright came on...

It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright...

I looked up from the book and my journal, and she was sitting at my kitchen table singing this to me. i mean, it was like she was RIGHT THERE. i started sobbing. like a baby. Those five words were exactly what i needed to hear. i looked back down at my open Bible. Tears, beautiful, healing, cleansing tears just poured out. the song went on, i was still looking down... 

I can tell by your eyes that you're not getting any sleep
And you try to rise above it, but feel you're sinking in too deep
Oh, oh I believe, I believe that...

I looked up at this point, and i saw my husband, my dear husband standing behind her. Then all of a sudden my kitchen just filled with people who loved me. Sharon, Kristi, Carla, Melissa, all the BibleStudy girls, all these beautiful people were singing this to me...



It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright

I believe you'll outlive this pain in you heart
And you'll gain such a strength from what is tearing you apart
Oh, oh I believe I believe that

It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright

i just bowed my head and sobbed. i bawled. i was just weeping. God was speaking. i opened my heart up to the healing that He has waiting for me. And the song went on, with all the people who truly love me singing it to me....

When some time has past us, and the story if retold
It will mirror the strength and the courage in your soulOh, oh, I believe I believe,

I believe
I believe

I did not come here to offer you cliché's
I will not pretend to know of all your pain
Just when you cannot, then I will hold out faith, for you

It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright

I finally knew that it truly would be alright. That all these people, my dear sweet husband included, had held out faith for me. I cried out to God in that moment and He rescued me from the pit!! i pleaded with Him to let my story bring Him glory, that He would take the blackest night in my life and use it to give me strength and courage. The hopelessness and despair were gone. i still had so much pain to work through, but i knew that it would be alright.

That was THE turning point. THAT was the moment i opened my heart up to the healing. See, just like Jesus had prayed for Peter, i know that He prayed for me. He answered the prayers of many beautiful people who were lifting me up to the great throne room.

Psalm 40:1-3 (emphasis mine)

 I waited patiently for the LORD;
   he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
   out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock    and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,    a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the LORD
   and put their trust in him.

Next time, the conclusion of The Story: the conference, and after.